Positives vs negatives

Post Reply New Topic

I am a 25 year old asian female who was diagnosed with aspergers last summer. However the issues I have that prompted the diagnosis have been a long time in the making. Seeing things through the lens of a diagnosis-(I have been reading tons of literature on aspergers), is making me more and more and more discouraged. I went to a community college last week to take a college placement assessment. I dropped out of college in 2008-09 due to a drug and alcohol addiction. I have been sober for two years. At the assessment test, I had my second ever panic attack. I still scored well, because I am very smart, although being out of school for so long I swear there are dead flies up there. (my head) According to my psychiatrist, I have possibly developed a form of agoraphobia in addition to my social anxiety, clinical depression and aspergers. I have spent too long being cooped up alone in my apartment with my three cats. I've been driving for a year, have been working at the same part-time job for a year, and have dated three people since I got sober. Ultimately, what led me to join this site and post this post, is my suicidal ideation. I can't get away from it. I have had two sober attempts and four drunk ones. I'm still alive because at the last minute, not only does my bodies fight or flight response activate, I am also overwhelmed with a huge sense of longing for survival. I start to wonder.....I want to get married someday, finish college, have a career I enjoy and a few close friends. I want my own house and a golden retriever. The problem is I have trouble believing those things are attainable. Yes I do have a job, but believe me, i've had four interviews at different Targets, a Walmart, petsmart, petco....I know how I come across to some people. however the fact alone that I can keep a job where I'm at now I think does speak volumes about how hard ive worked and how far I've come. Yes I get ragged on by some of the regulars for not being more bubbly or smiling, but it doesn't bother me much. I can only work part time because I get so exhausted and I feel weak for not being able to work more. I've been told its because I spend all day trying to speak Polish. Simply because I cannot speak neurotypical, it is exhausting on my mind and brain. I can't enforce anyone we've banned from the store, because of my stranger face blindness. And no, I'm not saying it's an excuse. It is however, an explanation. I have big dreams, and I had bigger ones. If you've ever seen the show "Bones", well that character was based on someone with Aspergers. She found what she loved and turned it into her life's work. I know its a tv show, but its nice to think about. I step back and look at the big picture of my own life and I want to sit in a closed room with a charcoal grill. Years and years of systematic self-deprecation, brought on and enforced by life circumstances and other people, have taken their toll. I have spent most of my 25 years sad, angry, hopeless.......Now with this diagnosis, I feel a little better because my difficulties are validated and it's not because I didn't try hard enough or something was wrong with me. However, the more I read about Aspergers and look at my own life, the more I just want to escape. If there was an alternative way to escape of course I would be having "ideation" about that. I step back and look at my life and its gotten really bad. I don't mean poor, homeless, abused bad, but more...this is where I never wanted to be. This is my worst nightmare come true. yes Ive tried therapy, yes I'm on anti-depressants and Im starting a new anxiety med. However antidepressants can only do so much. Some of the difficulties that come with Aspergers are bound to depress a person, not all of my depression is from a lack of serotonin. I can't find much for female adult aspies. 99 percent of the books Ive read seem to be geared toward male aspies or parents with asperger/autistic children. I am so frustrated, depressed, and lonely and I don't know what to do. I guess just posting this made me feel a littler better, getting it out. I know I am a beautiful person because I am smart, funny, extremely kind and compassionate (that no empathy stuff is BS). This isn't really a low self-esteem thing. I read an article about a boy with aspergers who hung himself in his apartment live on the internet. He lived alone and was lonely. I'm not going to do that, but it certainly is bleak. I read a study that said the prognosis for quality of life for Aspergers adults was poor. I know alot of you lead good lives and I'm not just blaming the Aspergers. I don't know if it was the chicken or the egg, depression or the aspergers....I guess this is me reaching out.

Really? Not even one comment or kind word.....lol.....and I can see posts made after mine have like 70 replies......story of my frickin life....ok I take it back.....thanks for the positive reply

Welcome! I appreciated what you wrote here... You seem like a really great person, and I'm sorry you're struggling with suicidal feelings. (I've dealt with a lot of that myself, all my life!)

You might get more responses if you edit your post and add paragraph breaks, so it's easier to read... I have massive ADHD and reading problems, so honestly if I see an entire screenful of text my eyes just can't focus on anything, and I usually give up trying to read it :/

But I did appreciate what you had to say, and could relate to a lot of it... When I was in my 20's I felt a lot like you did - it was an incredibly difficult, lonely, and depressing time for me, and I hate that you're going through that now.

And now you've got me curious about Bones... I might need to watch that! Hope you'll stick around the forums - I'm relatively new here too and have found them very helpful!

I am also on the spectrum and I have also been professionally diagnosed with Anxiety and Agoraphobia and I can definitely relate to many of things you said. I know how difficult it can be when your brain is overworked from fixating on something whilst at the same time, you are trying to rationalize conflicting thoughts that can lead to depressive moods.

Sometimes you need to view it from a third person perspective and see how much you have achieved, you have conquered an addiction, you have landed a job in a social environment which is extremely difficult for people on the spectrum, you are driving and you have your priorities straight already. It's difficult to see the positivity in your life when your mindset is clouded or distorted but you have as much potential as anyone else.

Feel free to PM me.

I get how you feel. I feel the same way. It is hard not to be depressed knowing the horrible toll asperger's has taken on your life and know that it isn't going away. Right now death is the only cure. I've known that I would be better of dead years before I was diagnosed.
I am "dead inside", but I am not literally dead. I have to live knowing that the pain will never end and it will never literally kill me, no matter how much I feel like it is. I would have to do it myself. But I am too much of a coward to kill myself.

Redacted