Breaking Point

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I think I have reached my breaking point.

I came home from my martial arts tournament this afternoon to find my girlfriend had done absolutely nothing to help out around the house. It was the same thing last week after that week's tournament. This sounds a rather stupid thing to be breaking down about, but the sad fact is my girlfriend does very little to help out. She just goes off and lives her own life, leaving me to take care of the dogs and the house and then gets pissed off at me because I don't want to go out and do things. The reason I don't want to go out and do things is I have no energy left from trying to keep the house and everything all together all by myself.

My girlfriend is now at a family dinner, one I didn't even know was on. That is kinda the way it has been between us for quite a while, she goes off and does her own thing with barely a mention to me about what she is doing. I think after almost 10 years, we have come to the point where we are living separate lives and I am no longer feeling the sense of partnership we used to have.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We own a house together and whilst it would be a pain, we could sell and go our separate ways. The problem is the dogs. I couldn't cope taking care of them on my own and to be honest, I don't think my girlfriend would want to take care of them - she does almost nothing to take care of them now. At almost 8 and one of them being dog aggressive, they are not exactly rehomable. But they are my kids and I can't bear the thought of having to put them down. That is what is keeping me from walking out the door.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really don't have anyone in my life I can talk to about all of this.

My advice would be to confront your partner on this matter and explain what your feeling. Honesty goes a long way.

You are right dt18. I hate confrontations. I will do almost anything to avoid them even if I know that afterwards things will be much better.
I have calmed down now. A good cry does wonders. So things aren't looking so dire. Still a good talk is probably what we both need.
Also, I realised now that I really need to see a shrink asap so I am going to make an appointment with my GP first thing on Monday morning.

I also think that you should talk to her and tell her how you feel.

You should definitely talk to her and let her know how you feel.

BUT....

....it sounds to me like you are at grave risk of being conned into staying in a relationship that is just as stifling and destructive in the long run as one in which alcohol or physical abuse are manifest.

There are lots of people, not just Aspies---though I think we are particularly vulnerable in this particular dept since we are so often willing to change to accommodate others who cannot or will not change themselves---who allow themselves to be harnessed, controlled, and literally ridden by selfish thoughtless "partners" who, consciously or unconsciously, take advantage of people like us.

We tend to make excuses for them or "just try harder" because we are better an analyzing the situation and identifying things that WE can do differently to make up for what the other person cannot or will not do differently. In the end, it's very sweet and nice and all, and there's certainly a need for this adaptability and gentleness of spirit in any long term relationship, but like anything else in life--alcohol, food, or "helping-ness"--there is such a thing as "too much" and there is a point beyond which you are no longer accommodating the person but instead you are ENABLING them.

The result is damaging to you and to everyone, but sometimes you have to know when to stop trying to help the other(s) and start saving yourself by heading for shore. Confounding this for you and for me is figuring out when we are truly suffering from "them" versus from our own Aspy-ness.

I assure you, I know whereof I speak.

Best wishes and all of that.

oh boy...

I am in a relationship where I get accused of all the things you're talking about, and it results from very bad communication difficulties on my part, not trying to be malicious or selfish or anything. I am only now, in my 40s, figuring out that this is very likely AS, that I do not communicate well (especially emotionally) even though my speech and language skills are above average. I don't know your partner at all, but is it possible that she isn't able to communicate well, or that she forgets to tell you things she's going to do?

I could be totally off base, but this is the kind of thing that could go either way, and having been mistaken for someone who just doesn't care and isn't interested, I can't help but bring up the possibility.

~Kate

Yeah, I think you should definitely talk to her first and tell her you are near breaking point. Don't wait till the next argument; bring it up soon when you both are calm.

If you really feel the relationship would be better ended, then move out. You will be able to mind the dogs on your own; loads of people are single parents and manage, so I'm sure you will too. Do you have relatives who could help for a while?

Just a thought, when you say your girlfriend isn't helping around the house, how neat and tidy are you usually? If cleaning tires you out so often, I take it you spend quite a lot of time on it. Different people have different 'untidiness-tolerance'. I'm lucky that both my boyfriend and I are similarily oblivious to mess, but if you are a neat person and she is not, she may feel she has tidied 'enough' because she is happy, whereas you are stressed out at the state of the place. Also, does she pull her weight in other situations i.e. cooking dinner/laundry etc?

If you have frequently turned down invitations to attend social events, she may presume that this is because you dislike them so she hasn't bothered recently. She may be unaware that it is because you are too tired from housework.

I'm not saying this is the case, but definitely don't jump to the conclusion that she doesn't care about you. Talk to her calmly and find out what's up. You both may have to adjust your viewpoint.

a calm discussion between you two would be a good idea.
at a time where neither of you have to go anywhere.