How to get over my anger and enjoy my day off?

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Here's the short version of the source of my frustration:

My roommate (Jeff H.) and I have lived together for several years and our finances are intertwined; many times, he's taken care of me when I've had little, and vice versa, and nobody is keeping track of the amounts. It's just a willingness to share.

I am NOT, however, into sharing with other people (who do NOT reciprocate), or my other two roommates, or any guests that people bring over.

Lately, I've been spending a huge portion of my income on Jeff because he's not making much at work, and I'm happy to do so.

While he was unemployed, he borrowed money from my parents for rent, and paid it back. The second time he was unemployed after his place of work closed, he borrowed money from them again, and this time he has yet to pay them back and it has been at least 10 months. They sent him a very nice email asking him to detail his plan for repayment, and Jeff, who is avoidant, is ignoring it for the time being. He owes $1400 and they'd happily accept small payments of $25 a month if that's all he could afford.

Now to Robbie. He's a friend of the household, myself excluded, who comes to stay days at a time with great frequency. He doesn't have a job and lives with his parents, so if he has no money when he comes to visit, Jeff L. usually feeds him. Jeff H. went to get a sandwich at the grocery today, and Robbie and I came with. Apparently, Jeff H. felt the need to pay for his sandwich, but he didn't offer to pay for mine, which was incredibly rude considering I'm buying most of his meals. I wouldn't have cared except that paying for Robbie's sandwich seemed like a slap in the face. Two days ago, we ordered Chinese, and again, he paid for Robbie.

Robbie is not the only one he's willing to pay for. Last summer, I had to put up with his friend's younger brother staying a month and a half, and Jeff H. paid for him as well.

I do 90% of the cleaning around the house, I buy 80% of public-use items such as paper towels even though we are supposed to be on rotation because I can't survive without them, and I don't like that helping slackers is a household priority.

I don't feel it is right for him to be spending his money in this fashion when he owes my parents money. They worked hard, and all of these beneficiaries he supports are unemployed or underemployed by choice, not by involuntary means. I'm so angry that I can't enjoy my day off . . . which I was going to spend cleaning the house. And I just want to stop being angry, but he owes my parents $1400. I'd tell him that but I couldn't understand why I was angry before he went to work, and I can't wait until he gets back to discuss because my day off is slipping away.

I don't think you should sit around getting angry about this.

I think you should calm yourself down so you can approach your roommate in the proper manner on this.

Tell him, you know he's in a bad financial situation and are perfectly happy to help him out but Robbie is going to have to pay his own way from now on.

If you're doing 80% of the chores, then stop. Start asking your roommates to do more of the chores. If they don't, then that means they don't care about whatever it is you were doing getting done. At least not so frequently so.

People have different standards of what they consider acceptable as far as clean goes and this might be the case with you and your roommates, but if you keep doing most of the chores without ever saying anything, your roommates are only going to conclude that you don't mind doing them, or prefer doing them.

They aren't mind readers.

Okay, the economy's been difficult and disappointing for a lot of people. In the United States, I've read that the U6 unemployment rate is 16% (among other things, this counts part-time workers seeking full-time). Now, if you're different in any way, it's harder, not impossible, but it does make it harder and probably takes longer.

Okay, it sounds like you have a history of reciprocity and ping-ponging back and forth with Jeff, but . . . that's kind of slid recently. And Jeff's not making enough of an effort.

Talk to him briefly, simply, in a straightforward fashion: 'Jeff, it does bother me. They are my parents.'

don't listen to so much the content of what he says, as just the emotional context. And if he needs space, give him space. If you have a conversation once every three days on this subject(depending on how it goes, trust yourself on feel and texture) for three times, that's probably enough for now and Jeff will get your point. then you can re-evaluate and decide where to go from there.

As far as dealing with anger . . . something I stumbled upon, when I was thinking about getting back into tax preparing after having one year under my belt, I started working through topics in a college tax textbook (I would sometimes also look up Lasser's in the library or bookstore; I like using different places to study), but somehow studying the college text sitting at my desk at home, it put me in a very good frame of mind. And on a single sheet of paper, I could kind of write out . . .

'Jeff is making some at work.'

'He should pay back my parents at least some.'

'He should have offered to pay for my sandwich.'

In this calm frame of mind, I can then write simple, straightforward statements on a practical problem of my own choosing. I think some of it was that tax is a technical subject, but a technical subject that I was somewhat familiar with, and also a technical subject that has some connection to the human experience. And I would also make neatly written notes in the margin of the text using a fine-point pencil. I think that helped.

And one side of one piece of paper. This is a case where less is more.

Here's wishing you well. Please keep us updated as it feels right.

I think if you care about this relationship you have to address you are feeling frustrated or the frustration will grow.

Write a note reminding yourself to deal with it later. Then absorb yourself in whatever activity(s) you wanted to enjoy.