Needed to vent very badly

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I very rarely do things like this, I consider myself to be a stronger character, but I seem to have a train of thought that never stops, and constantly gets me into these short bursts of depression.

I'm soon to be 22, I'm a musician, on the brink of greatness in my field according to a small section of my peers, although others do not care to notice it seems. I seem to be needing these people to actually notice that I exist and I do something, I often feel ignored and it is making me frustrated and angry. I wish I could get over it and just do it for me. I feel like I'm living for the benefit of everyone else and not for myself. I even began smoking weed heavily, something I said I wouldn't do as a youngster just to stop myself from caring so much what people think. It's a curse, and I wish I had the ability to block it all out. I feel isolated and as a result, I'm becoming discouraged and I'm going backwards, I don't even believe in my abilities as much anymore.

I was often teased when I was younger for being a sensitive kid, but it seems I was stronger then, because I did things regardless of whether people liked me or not, and in the end I got respect for it. I had balls to go with the talent. Now I have this overwhelming need for approval and it is coming into conflict with other parts of my personality. I seem to be better at being completely alone, even though I like to be social and go to parties and generally a happy, out-going guy, but I guess being alone is actually easier to do, I think I need to continue to do that until I can regain some part of my confidence again.


I've also slightly fallen for a friend of mine, she's also into music, and she's very talented and beautiful, but I chickened out of making a move on her and now I cannot, which is also angering me to no end, although no fault of her own. I still want to be a friend first and foremost, but only ignoring her would help me get over this bout of one-itis I seem to have contracted. I'm losing confidence, belief, self-esteem, and becoming angrier than I have ever been. And the worst thing is I have nobody to vent to. Everybody unloads their problems onto me ironically, which I don't mind, but in the end I am left with my problems plus the weight of everyone elses. I wish I could get away, I really do, but I just cannot. I can't believe I typed all of this, I feel like such a worthless dick, I'm better than this. But I needed to do it. I can't bottle things up any longer. So I'm going to write it. I'm sorry I had to do it........

No need to apologize. Sometimes you do just have to vent, and this is the place to do it.

I have found that an unfortunate side effect of becoming more social is starting to care what others think. It's happened to me, and I have to constantly remind myself that, in the end, what I think about myself still matters more than what anyone else may think (and there are times when I still "slip").

Maybe "being alone" for awhile would help. I have to do that periodically to "regroup," as I call it. That basically means reconnecting with myself with no outside interference. Other people can become overwhelming, even people you really care about, and who genuinely care about you. Even in the best of circumstances, no relationship is perfect.

What instruments do you play? Do you sing, compose, record your work?

Take care of your own well-being first. It's great that you let people come to you with their problems, but when it gets too one-sided, enough is enough.

Take care, feel free to keep "venting" as needed.

This is a great place to come and vent, I welcome you to vent, whenever you need to.