Bad lady! No touchy! Any suggestions?

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Today was surreal and horrible. It is a long, weird story that started last week with a big Jesus candle in a grocery store and ends today with me freaking out because the reiki lady lifted up my skirt and fussed with my shirt.

I will not get into the details of all that led up to the reiki lady, but several things have happened over the last week that landed my husband and me in a weird house/store today with a lady who does reiki. While trying to leave the house/store, the lady came rushing up to me and started talking about my skirt and then she grabbed part of it and started to inspect it. I was mortified. I would never just hurry up to someone and start yapping about their clothes and then grab their clothes and try to bring the material to my face. That is weird and intrusive and rude... I find it completely unacceptable. I reacted how I react and snatched my skirt out of her hands and made my way to the door before I blew up.

Apparently she took that as a cue to follow me, because I guess snatching something away from someone and rushing down a hall sends the nonverbal signal that you really like that person ... people... I do not understand them... Anyway, she followed me and said something about some girl code and grabbed the back of my shirt and started fussing with that as well. I must have stopped moving and turned around at that point because I was face to face with her the next I knew. My husband opened the door and I got the hell out of there.

I know that woman was trying to be nice or helpful or something like that. I know she was not trying to ruin my day or freak me out or make me recoil in disgust or want to beat her senseless. I do believe her intentions were good. Believing this does not make me feel better though. This happened earlier today and I am still off center, still want to throw up, and am still do not know how make the shrapnel in my head settle down from that explosion. I feel like a damn snow globe that some kid keeps shaking. I do not know. I feel off and I do not like feeling off. I likely will feel screwy on the insides until about midnight, if I am true to me and my recovery time. Meh.

I need a better way to deal with things like this. I do not verbally communicate well, so I cannot just politely ask people to give me room and stop touching me. When I am stressed, my words are often the first thing to fail me. I really cannot tolerate people touching me or anything of mine and when I go places someone always touches something and it makes me nutty. If I am in a line, people are bumping into me. If I am at a band concert, some kid behind me tugs my hair or something. If I am in a waiting room someone will tap me on the leg to ask me some stupid question about the weather (I listen to music to drown out the noise chaos in the office, so they tap me to get my attention). I cannot get away from people when I go out and I am supposed to be going out more so I do not spend six months at a time not leaving my house. I have to keep in the habit of going places or I will not go places. Some days I think all of this leaving the house is more trouble than it is worth. Still, I try for my family. The do not much care for me being a compete recluse.

So I have tried ignoring people, tried walking away from people... I have tried taking people with me and I have tried going places in weird hours so the place I have to go will be less crowded. Would it be a terrible idea to get a giant pin/button that says "DO NOT TOUCH ME". Then I could point to the button whenever someone puts their paws on me or gets up in my space and then ignore them more. I think the worst thing that could happen with that is they would think I am a rude or mean person and then (hopefully) they would not want to be near me, which is what I would have wanted in the first place. Would a pin work? I have tried less 'rude' approaches, but they do not work. Does anyone have any ideas for dealing with touchy/personal space hating people? I know some of them mean well but I am completely fed up with them and need to find a way to cope with them.

It seems to me that woman's behavior was inappropriate and your reaction was understandable. Maybe she has some boundary issues of her own. I don't know the best way to get people not to touch you. A button may be taken as a joke.

The problem with us "socially debilitated" ones is that often we have trouble separating normal NT behavior from mere nutcases. Let me assure you, though, this woman was a nutcase. Don't include her into your NT analysis table and don't overexamine your behavior based on hers.



That's NORMAL.



Chances are, you project over-approachability with your appearance. People subconsciously assess others. For instance, if they need to pass through a line, they seek out the person who is less likely to make a fuss over it, and chances are, it may be you.

Your space is more likely to be violated than that of others around you.

It's not about your size or menacing/innocent looks, but about posture and awareness. If you're centered, your posture projects power, which means if someone bumps into you, they, first of all, will discover that you're not easily moveable. But chances are, they won't bother in the first place. People sense these things. They sense soft, increasing resistance before physical contact happens, and give you space as result, because they don't want to run into the core of this resistance.

I always strongly recommend taking up internal martial arts like Aikido or Tai Chi. Studying them, you can root yourself in the ground, creating a skeletal connection from your big toes into your knees, hips, shoulders, elbows, and finally, hands. Someone runs into your extended hand, they will feel like they ran into the ground. This is the physical side of making boundaries, and it projects farther than your physical self.

Both Aikido and Tai Chi (some styles) feature deflections and pins. When you said "pin", this is the kind of pin I thought of - when someone grabs anything of yours, they will yelp in pain and let go.

Your incident reminded me of what happened last year... I was walking with my former girlfriend in a busy street, and we just bought a big airplane bag for her things. Suddenly some Asian man runs up to us, and starts feeling up the bag to find the price tag, or something. The only reason I knew, is because something tugged on the bag and slowed me down!

I stopped, and said "Hey what's up?". He smiled (disarmingly as he thought) and said something about "price". I smiled back at him and said "Don't touch people's stuff, or they may beat the s**t out of you, okay? Okay." He disappeared into the crowd. The girl I was with, thought I was going over the line. Whatever.

People touching my stuff without cause is a red flag. People smiling while doing it, is a second red flag. I learned this in school, the hard way.

Its not a bad idea at all, I consider that sort of unsolicited contact a form of assault. Of course you'd still have the lame-@ss jokesters who'd feel compelled to touch you just to be defiant, and all sorts of idiot strangers coming up to ask "Why do you not want people to touch you?" To which you'd need to respond by snorting a big loogey and telling them "I have TB"


I know exactly how you're feeling, though. I had a couple of process servers bullying me at my own front door a month ago and I was an emotional wreck in constant fight-or-flight anxiety for a week afterwards. The last several days a census worker has been knocking on my door and ringing the bell (I filled out the damned census form months ago and I'm not answering any more questions), and I was just out shopping for a sign to put on my door, but couldn't find one that seemed appropriate.

I think I'm going to have a sign shop make me a plaque for the door that says: AUTISTIC RESIDENT - If You Are Not Expected, You Are Not Welcome. Please Call Ahead. No Soliciting Anytime.

I want one of those! Also, I want for the buzzer for my flat (the one at the communal entrance) to emit a sharp current of electricity every time someone presses it in an attempt to come into the building and distribute pizza leaflets.

Perhaps she does. It seemed outrageous to me, but then ladies who take a long time in front of the canned peas seem outrageous to me as well. I need some kind of 'normal meter' to gauge these things. Heh. Thank you for your reply. It is good to know it is not just me who found her behavior inappropriate.

You know what is funny? I have trained in Japanese style Ju Jitsu for... oh... about ten years now. I do it less now that my back is all messed up, but I try. In theory, I should not be projecting that I am approachable or movable. Perhaps I embrace ju a bit too much... a little too flexible or yielding... I do not know. Perhaps I should spend tomorrow doing pivots and work on grounding and then do some taking center exercises with someone. That might help me get into the 'I am not moving' headspace. I like that idea. Class lately has been more focused on throws... If it works, I'll toss it into the daily exercise routine. I had not thought about that... I should have.

I used to take a more aggressive approach to people. When I started training I spent years getting myself to react and 'just do'. Then I found that my reactions to situations were problematic. So then I got it in my head that the only time I should react was if I was being attacked or someone else was being attacked. I do not know... I do not really trust my judgment when it comes to being assertive like that with people who may or may not mean me harm. I just have no way of figuring out what their intentions are.

Heh heh heh. If I could be sure my voice would comply, I would go the tb route. I just do not know if I have that in me currently. I'm liking the sign idea. Currently we have several political volunteers who could benefit from that as they do not stop banging for a long time. They are very persistent and far from desirable.

That is pretty funny, because that's for how many years I've done Aikido, and they have a large cross-section of technique.



Time to move to Aikido!



Japanese martial arts like Karate, Ju Jitsu and Aikido are a Budo, a martial way. This means that they don't end when you exit the dojo. Their principles should extend into your everyday life - otherwise, you're just spending a lot of time training for some fantasy attack that may or may not happen ever.

They develop a presence. A non-aggressive, but also non-yielding presence.

I shouldn't be one to talk, however. I know all this (and likely you do too), and yet I find myself caught unawares and off-balance a lot of the time. It would've been far worse without Aikido, for sure, but after 10 years I'd expect more of myself.

It's funny... NTs taking these arts become stronger and more grounded. Me, I just barely REACH the level of being at which NTs were before they started training. Such as, being able to walk through CostCo without freaking out and getting depressed. They just take this type of thing for granted.

Heh heh heh. The idea of that pleases me.

Right on.



My first sensei, who moved out of state, took up Aikido along the way. He never offered a class in it though. From what I understand of it, and I have never tried it, is that it is something close to what we did only larger circle and more steps. I imagine that would not be as difficult on the body. I appreciate that more as time goes on.



Is true. I think on the people I started training with and where they are now and where I am. There is a notable difference in many areas. I was happy after two years when I could look uke in the eye without short circuiting my brain. Heh. That was a big deal in my dojo... I was always being fussed at for not looking my attacker in the eye. Did not know about autism back then... wish I would have... Anyway... I could keep up with most of the the physical aspects, but the mental part of it all is what got (and gets) me the most. I know I do not practice like I used to now. I still do expect more from myself though. My husband teaches and he will call me on this or that now and then and I just stand there, knowing I know better. I was saying something today about my inability to practically apply things to my life. This would be another such instance where what I know does me no good if I do not use it. Along with a pin and sign, I need a switch in my head to flip to make me remember to remember what I know when I need to know it. I am hopeful someday I will get closer to that goal.