HELP - Is this some kind of disorder?

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So I'm finally going to tell about a struggle I had and I have been hiding it from everybody. I don't know if this is just some type of obsession disorder.

When I was 16, I passed my written test and got my driver’s license. However, I had really strange behavior and during the written test, for some odd reason, I knew that I was in an odd posture and other people could’ve looked at my test but I kept in that posture. After the test, I felt like I didn’t “deserve” this license because someone could’ve cheated off of me. My dad started to get me to drive but I didn’t say anything to him. So I proceeded and started driving the car. At that moment I felt really bad because I felt as if I shouldn’t even be driving the car (I didn’t believe I deserved the license). I didn’t tell my parents about the problem and I kept on driving again and again, always feeling guilty. I would then feel another layer of guilt because I also felt guilty for driving without paying close attention since I would obsess about my worries WHILE I was driving.

In the province I am living in, you need to take 2 driving tests in order to be fully licensed. I proceeded to take the first test and passed it. As I took the second test, I was really nervous since I felt the guilt again WHILE I was taking the test and I failed it the first time. The second time I took the test, I passed it. I am now fully license but this guilt keeps on haunting me.

Whenever I think about driving the car, I feel like I shouldn't be driving the car and the scary thing is that I go on driving the car anyway...I sometimes contemplate on whether I should just "turn myself in to the police" and tell them to shred that driver's license. See, thats the thing...I don't even have proof I did something wrong and now I feel guilty.

My parents would ask me, "Jimmy, whats wrong. Hurry up and start the car already" and there would be no way I would tell them about the struggle and so I would start the car anyway.

Also, there are some things which have resulted as a result of my driver's license including getting my university student card. Arg...I feel so guilty about it.

PS is there a name for this disorder? Like "feeling guilty" disorder?

I think it's just called 'feeling guilty' and 'worrying too much'.

I am not entirely sure I understand your story, but it doesn't sound like a specific disorder to me.

Its an OCD sort of thing, I've had experiences similar to that before and that nagging guilt will pass eventually, because you know deep down it's just a silly form of self-flagellation. And you should only flog yourself if it feels good.

You need to realize though, that you didn't do anything wrong to begin with. I seriously doubt anybody cheated off of your test, because they wouldn't want to screw up their chances of getting licensed by getting caught cheating - but more importantly - even if they did, you are not responsible for someone else's bad behavior. Especially someone else's IMAGINARY bad behavior. I think you already know this intellectually, you just need to accept it and move on past that irrational obsession. You are not guilty of anything, so don't claim ownership of an offense you never committed. Nobody committed it - it didn't happen.

And you passed - congratulations! You deserve that license, you earned it.

Along with things already said, consider this:

Guilt is *not* a feeling! The feeling there would actually be shame.

Guilt is a matter of fact in a court of law and can only be pronounced and recorded.

But with that word issue aside ...

As an "underdog" myself, I have always rooted (cheered) for and tried to support and help others like myself ... but people like us do not usually cheat ... but nevertheless ...

You simply found yourself in a challenging situation (taking a test) where it would have been nice to have someone else nearby actually supporting you a bit even though you would really not want to cheat ... yet you subtly offered a bit of potential support anyway just in case someone else nearby happened to be in need of it.

At least in principle, that is altruism, a good thing.

Wait, what?

You passed the f*****g test on your own and you feel like you didn't deserve it?

If someone cheated off of you then that's their wrong, not yours.

Willard and Thelostcup are right--this is an OCD-type thing AND you did nothing wrong no matter what. If someone else had cheated, how is that YOUR fault?

Congratulations on passing, btw. Maybe you've also been really anxious about the whole thing and there's some part of you that believed you didn't deserve to pass and get your license in the first place, so that feeling found something else to grab onto.

I know, I know, psychobabble...sorry.