How do I help my NT mom?

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Hi guys and girls.
I dont exactely know if this is the right place to post this, but here goes.

Me and my mom have had quite a bumpy ride the last 5-7 years. I was a little over two years ago with "Unspecified with-born brain-development malfunction on the autism spectra". My symptoms reminds a lot about Aspergers syndrome and that is what I identify myself with, there is just a few things that does that they can't just write Aspergers syndrome on all of the papers. We had a long fight with the danish psycological system, and I was misplaced a lot of times because I also suffer from Panic Disorder, so the system couldn't see that there was more wrong, untill the day where I confessed to my psycologist at the time that I had suicidal thoughts. That triggered a reaction to put me on waiting list to get a proper examination of my mental health in general, it took 18 months before I got the first appointment and three months with appointments before they had an answer. Meanwhile I did try to get my mom some help, because her reaction to my panic attacks and breakdowns have been to hit me, and I wanted that to stop. However when they offered her conversations with a psycologist, she simply just denied them.

My mom haven't taken my diagnosis so well, her primary reaction have been denial. She accepts that I am not an ordinary child/person (I'm 19 today) but she denies to belive some of the things that indicate my disorder. She simply thinks im no different on some points where I know I am different. For example, I am extremely picky with my food and have always been, because I am sensitive towards how things taste and their consistence when chewed. An example is onion, I can't chew on it if there is any bits in food, it feels horrible. I also do not want things mixed together, I need to see what it is that I am eating. My mom does not belive I'm sensitive to the taste and such at all, she just sais I am generally picky, and that I will grow out of it. When I lived at home as a kid she would not let me leave the table unless I ate the mixed-together things or things I didnt like that was served (wich caused me to hide the food elsewhere the moment she turned her back on me because she eventually got bored with watching me doing nothing) but now that I have moved out from home and into a support center for young adults with aspergers, her worry manifests in constant comments about my weight (I am slightly overweight due to unhealthy eating habits that I can't just change over night). Sometimes these things just become too much for me, and we end up having huge fights. She also likes to "help me" clean my appartment (despite the fact that I already am recieving help for exactely that) when she comes around, wich is one of the things I just can not handle. I don't want her moving around or touching any of my things because she has no clue of my habits and routines, and thusly she ends up meddling with them which causes stress. During one fight we had, I literally had to yell at her "I don't wan't your help, mom!" and stomp off to find one of the professionals that work at the place where I live to try and calm both her and me down and ask her kindly to let things be. Her response to my yelling was that "You have to accept my help", and she also did make an agreement with the professional that came over, which she broke.
My mom isn't great with computers, else I would definately have shown her some of the topics on this forum.
Anyways to sum it up..

I wan't my mom to accept and understand that I have some problems she needs to learn how to deal with in different ways than she does now. Despite the fact that I live in a center where I get support, they are only allowed to help me and not so much her. She haven't shown any interrest in reading about aspergers or anything before, but I think if she did it would help alot. She works in an after-school institution for kids up to the age of 10 or so, and I know some of the kids she watches have problems such as ADHD, so I know she have at some point learned how to handle that type of children. I understand that she is stressed (single mom, i have two siblings on 17 and 10 that still live at home, plus she doesnt earn alot of money) but I think some of the stress roots in the problems me and her have in our relationship to eachother, and I think if she just made the effort we could get along much much better.
I just don't know how to encourage her to make the effort.
Also if there is other tips perhaps other nt parrents can give to how I can help her better then they are greatly appreciated.
And sorry for the extremely long post.. I just had to get it out.

Her saying "You have to accept my help" says a lot:

(1) she feels guilty on some level for your problems (thinking it's somehow her fault)
(2) she thinks that by "helping," she can "fix" you and doesn't want to be denied that opportunity; this leads to
(3) she desperately wants to control a situation that she can't control.

I think she is deeply in denial and wants to make everything "normal" through sheer force of will. If she's ever going to understand that she can't, it's going to take a long time. It can't be forced, either.

Sadly, you may have to set boundaries for your relationship. You no longer live at home and are no longer a child. Say that you can only see her in places that are not your apartment because you do not want her rearranging your living space. Period. If that upsets her...well, too bad. You have to put your foot down now or she will never even begin to understand.

In the meantime, maybe you could find some books on Asperger's (perhaps in the library) and give her a "suggested reading list." Tell her "This is what I have. Please read about it so we can talk about it" (or something to that effect).

Talk to some of the professionals at the support center--maybe they can suggest the best way to go about this, or even arrange a meeting with you and your mom.

If she still refuses, then you may have to minimize contact with her until she is able to make the attempt to understand what you are dealing with. It's sad, but your own well-being has to come first. If she continues to act this way, you're going to be hurt.

I am not a parent, and I'm pretty sure I'm not NT (self-diagnosed), but I hope this helps somewhat.

Take care.

Thanks a lot for your reply.
I have talked to the people from my support centre about this before, but the main problem comes down to the fact that no matter what they do, my mom just breaks the agreements she makes with them. I don't know why she does it, if she forgets it or if she simply can't help herself. So they can arrange meetings between us, but the moment they look away its as if they don't count anymore.
It feels like my mom becomes a totally different person when there is strangers around. Because of our past, she can easily dominate over me as I get very scared when she is mad.
I will try some of your suggestions, and see if they will at all work. I would rather not minimize contact to her as she has helped me a lot even though she helped me in a way that also hurt me.

Good luck, Sivri. I hope things work out, take care.

Wow...that sounds exactly like the nightmare of living with my family...

...minus the support systems.