why do I torture myself?

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This is so bleeping stupid yet I continue to do it. I get on youtube and pull up a song that I know is going to make me cry. I drive past a place I know is going to make me remember something. I google something I know is going to make me think of something that someone I've managed to alienate said. It's like "doctor it hurts when I do that" WELL DON'T DO THAT...like DUH.

Argh! I hate this.

~Kate

I think sometimes the things we want to avoid act like magnets in pulling us in. I am no psychologist, but what can work is a distractor whenever those things are tugging at us. A good distractor is an interest area. If you feel the urge to watch a Youtube video that you know will make you cry, pick up a book that interests you instead.

Thanks...sometimes I think it's the "gawk at the car accident" phenomenon and other times I think it's that I hate myself so much for screwing up relationships that I do it for that reason. Either way, doing something else makes sense.

~Kate

I do the same thing.
I think sometimes I feel like I deserve to be hurt like that, so i do the things which'll hurt me.
I've finally got the confidence thanks to my boyfriend to try and stop doing it.
But it's difficult because I still feel like I don't deserve to be happy - so I keep doing the things which hurt.

I know the phenomenon. On the one hand, there is the picking at the half healed wound phenomenon.

On the other, though, some theories suggest that controlled doses of pain help deflate the pressure gentkly, getting rid of it without an explosion, and that would fit my normal pattern.

I have to wonder about the "gradual decompression" theory. It makes sense. I have been in so much pain from both the marriage being so bad for so long and the other relationship ending that sometimes the only comfort I've had when trying to fall asleep at night was the slight chance I might not wake up. I'm not able to commit suicide because my children are depending on me for both financial and emotional support and I can't do that to them, so dealing with it a little at a time does make sense.

~Kate

Aaaarrrrggghh!! !! I did it again! I freaking watched New Moon tonight with all the themes of rejection!

*hits self in head*

~Kate