the world is too big for me =_=;

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It sucks to be so proud despite having crashed and burned so many times. When I see people I get so so so freaking scared and overwhelmed, because I can't stand that the world is vast and people have got something special in their lives, like a talent or a calling or even even just their own awesomeness. I don't have anything like that so...pride sucks. I don't know how my ego got so large even though I don't have a shred of self-esteem left. I've pretty much had to invent my self-esteem ever since I found out I wasn't likely to be doing anything to merit praise in order to build up said self-esteem. The world is enormous and I can't find a place in it. I feel restless and jealous. I'm pretty torn up now, so. [/rant]

i do not have any pride.
pride is a feeling that people have when they see themselves from someone else's eyes.

i see only from my own eyes and i have "complacency" only.

i know i am not causing any grief for anyone, and that is all i need to know about the outside world of people.

the world may be a big place, but i only want a small part of it where i can retreat to and attract animals to and love them without interruption from people.

a small part of the world where i can sleep and eat and relax in quietude and see my animal friends everyday.

i need no talent that impresses anyone.

i am totally fine on my own in my secluded cul-de-sac of existence.

i could live forever here.

I'm envious of that, although normally I would respond with stinging remarks because now I feel like an idiot.

I, unfortunately, cause much grief to other people but not half as much as I do to myself.

I have not found that small place yet, so for too long I harbored the hope that having something that would set me apart would bring me closer to that metaphorical place I can call my own.

I want talents to impress myself and feel like I'm worth something again. It's been too long since I've felt that.

Seclusion is a lie that I can only pretend to convince myself of, because high school is a wretched place to be alone.

So as you can see, we are rather different people. Thank you for taking the time to put your own two cents in, whatever the intentions were.

do you have any special interests? something you can immerse yourself in and thus excel at?

try not to put too much pressure on yourself at this point in your life. it's common for people to not be sure of where they want to go in life even into college and beyond.

Interests, there are plenty. Unfortunately I have proven to be embarrassingly inept to mediocre in all of those things. I say embarrassingly because one, I am by far and away the least skilled in the chess club and the only junior. I'm old and no amount of training I do can make up for the natural ability. Grade school kids can beat me without a sweat. I say embarrassingly because I'm supposed to be a good writer but no one understands a word of what I'm saying. I say embarrassingly because I know I make people laugh but they still don't talk to me in the classroom.

I graduate next year, and my desperation to succeed at something mostly stems from the fact that I really want my self-esteem resuscitated before I get to college. Heck, I just want my self-esteem to be real and not made up of little or imaginary reasons as to why I'm awesome. Which I'm not.

I can't help the pressure because I'm running out of time and options and I'm still shaky from recent blows to my pride : (

Like Susan Orlean said...if you care about something passionately, it whittles the world down to a more manageable size.