dead and bloated

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You ever wish you lived in an alternate unviverse where people just talked to each other throug song lyrics. The only way I seem to get people is through music. You sing me a song I will feel it in a heartbeat and get it. You dance around the subject with normal speech I will never get it in a thousand years. It's depressing. I knew a chemist that was fascinated by the idea of an organism having the capability of shutting down and purposly aniliating itself. I try to tell my physical body to just do that and let go. There is nothing really holding me on the the moment.

I read a lot haven posts. What keeps me going is the quest of knowledge. If there is a quest i am all there. That is what keeps me going the game of knowledge. I suck at the game of life but the game of knowledge I know that is a game i dont mind playing because that is my passion this endless quest of finding information and just running with it. I pause a lot in my life and say to myself why must i always run? What am i running from? What is the point of all this? The older i get the more i realize how much in this world is unattainable. Seeing others is like seeing an oasis in a desert am i perceiving that others are happyin their social relatationships or am i just awakening to the fact that i am not adapatable in that way? In other words is it an illusion that i am making up in my head. Perhaps these socially adapable people are just as miserable as i am but they are buying into the same ideals that my tired old genes are of making sure the population keeps on ticking. I dont want children i dont even like them but i cant help but think of times in my life where i had someone there in my space and i didnt mind. I hate myself for this weakness. I don't want to want anyone and i can go through most of my day not even thinking of people past their arial thoughts. I think being human has to be one of the greatest punishments in the universe. Sometimes i cant help but think that anything is better than this even nothingness. When i was younger i use to say to others dont kill yourself because you have no idea what the void will be like. To not exist when your whole life has been existence is equivlent to cutting off your nose to spite your face. Sorry just had to throw that cliche in there i like to visualize it. Disturbing i know. The older i get the harder it seems to me to keep up my spirit. Maybe life starts to lose its value the longer you have had it. I dont know but i cant help thinking that life is not as hard as i make it out to be. Not that long ago i was reading this self improvement book where the author was stating that one should visualize life as just a game and nothing more. I like the idea of not taking myself to seriously and of just saying hey i dont feel like playing a good game today. Which brings me back to piers anthony. I loved how his gods just sat around below the earth playing a game to pass the time away. How so like living on earth. So for all the the down and out and down trodden I say this. Life is meaningless but so f*****g what because it is just a stupid game and you can pick up the pieces anytime you want so dont listen to the a**holes in your life that tell you your life is ruined or that you will never be what you want to be or do what you want to. The survival instinct may not be strong in me
but I have desires just like anyone else and it is human nature to seek what you want and avoid what you dont want

There are no mistakes in life some people say. It is true sometimes, you can see it that way. But people don't live or die, people just float. She went with the man in the long black coat.

hey othila...i was lost and wondering why i existed till i found something that gave my life meaning. that was taking care of non-human animals. saved me. f..k what anyone else thought.

if you could find something that works for you, that brings a feeling of accomplishment, no matter what it is....i'm sure it would transform your life. the best way to get out of your head is to get something else in your head. try it, ok?

I couldn't resist...I'm sure this is what song you made this post off of anyway If not well then here it is...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lM8dS51Rf-I[/youtube]

Yes finding meaning in my life is hard for me. I am working on it though. I tend to take my time getting over things which I realize is a detriment to my survival. Ah I need to read more non fiction that usually helps motivate me in other areas of life.

Sometimes I wonder if I put myself in these horrible situations just so my mind can shake off these periods of apathy I have about living. Forcing myself to deal with my unhappiness by heaping upon myself the worst situations imaginable; its a poor method and I need to find a new less stressful way to deal with change in my life besides just throwing everything in my life and forcing myself to start over.