vent-not angry

Post Reply New Topic

well we moved and I'm trying to be pleasant for my children. My husband is raving and ranting about stuff as usual. He's gone 13 hours a day(thank God) and sees his children one night a week and on weekends(we are married not divorced) I'm tired and drained and after what happened in Alabama very withdrawn. I don't want to meet new people, I don't want to go out, I could care less about support groups, and quite frankly I'm just done with wanting to belong and wanting friends. I'm never going to have any. As for being a good mother nope I'm not. I yell at my kids but they are both wild and unmanageable. The NT daughter hits, has kicked me in the face the eye specifically with shoes on, screams NO every chance she gets, lines stuff up, toe walks,can read, flaps, and likes things that spin.(we've had her evaluated but she's "perfectly fine") My son that has Autism has lost a lot of his speech and regressed since the move and is screaming all the time. Have I mentioned loud noises are extremely painful for me? They are and husband blames me for everything but I'm almost done with my 2nd degree and then I'll just need to get a job. I put both of them in their room when they are violent and screaming and just walk away not both at the same time though. Husband has put a light in our living room that is physically painful for me and our son and then gets mad when he sees us stimming. It SAVES MONEY and makes me miserable. I'm on antidepressants and husband can't stand the calm and logical so he pushes and pushes until I'm yelling and screaming.....I get frustrated and angry easily. I don't understand jokes, sarcasm, different tones of voice and despite this am angry that he doesn't bring me flowers or cards. My husband's idea of a casual pleasant conversation on our way to a pumpkin patch for the kids.
"what if the insurance won't cover the therapy we can't afford it what are you going to do?"husband
"I told him to shut the h#ll up that we are out on a family outing and I don't want to discuss it"
"well we'll be broke and it WILL ALL BE YOUR FAULT" Husband
"The insurance company is going to cover it 100% and the place is in network so it's not our problem" me
"Well what if........" husband
"Shut the heck up I am so tired of your garbage only I used a stronger word. They are going to freaking cover it or we can sue them for it" me
"it would cost too much" husband........
I should tell the doctor that husband is causing so much of this but I've decided to keep my messy relationships away from my medical care. I know damn well if I tell people I have an unhappy marriage that no matter how sick I am nobody will treat me. All my illnesses will magically become "emotional problems" and then I could pass out in front of a doctor and still be diagnosed with an "emotional problem" because God knows even if I do have an emotional problem THAT means I DON'T DESERVE MEDICAL Care....is their attitude. I guess there's the idea of let's get rid of the undesirables after all if we pretend all their medical problems are emotional problems maybe they'll die sooner and leave the world to the emotionally "perfect and healthy"........

Oh and have I mentioned the Respite Care? Well the woman in charge of it has decided that SIGNING up for it just isn't GOOD ENOUGH. I have to go through an interview too. Why do I need respite......well I'll tell you SO I don't lose it one day and just sit in a corner and scream while ripping my hair out and rocking and/or banging my head against the wall. Neither of my kids would notice as they don't notice such things....they are far too busy spinning stuff, stacking stuff, lining stuff up, and rubbing socks over their head to notice what goes on with me. I want to go out for Pizza and I plan to go by myself so husband doesn't pull any garbage and then go and get a nice pumpkin spice latte assuming I get through the "INTERVIEW"

I hope to God my medication starts working soon.

I also hope that your situation improves, soon.