After months of feeling okay

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Where do I start?

Well I took some time off with socialising and going to see bands and got into writing and amateur astronomy. But there was a lot of pressure on me to be more social so I started to go out again. The first time wasn't so bad. I was my usual awkward self and didn't talk about anything but astronomy. You know how it is.
The next time I sort of held back my thoughts because I know people aren't interested. But I couldn't join in on normal conversation. I feel like I'm back at square one with my socialising. I was never that good at it. I'd just talk about anything to do with science really.
Another problem is my reactions are very strong. Like if someone was to upset me it's not just a bit upset, it's depressed straight away and not getting out of it for...well I think it's been three days now. It's been off and on but keeps coming back to me.
I also have trouble balancing my interests. I haven't done any astronomy related things in the last couple of days.
My anger reactions can make me seem a bit like a b***h. I try my best to hold my meltdowns in but since last year it's become really hard.
I was fine for months just ignoring what people thought of me and I guess acting like I was better, but when it came to talking to people I actually liked I couldn't do it.
I've given up on my band photography. I want to be a physicist. That's another thing - people don't think I can do it. I've got no support for it and it's the only thing I care about. Well, that and not being so moody and quiet when I hang out with people.
My short moods have really been bothering me. My social anxiety has too. And my mum, she's always in a bad mood and that makes me feel worse. I still live at home and she makes me feel bad for not working. A few things have been working out in that department, but again, I end up disappointed. Usually I get told I could get work then nothing happens and the cycle repeats.

I'm really down right now. I'm listening to depressing music and just worrying about a lot of things. Like I have promised to go to a town far from me with friends to see the same band from the night where all these feelings came from. I guess most of it is if I bring up 'autism' they're going to roll their eyes or something.
I've become more of an individual and separated myself from what I call the 'popular world.' I probably get judged more because my clothes aren't as cool as they used to be. But I just want people to like me for me and let me talk about astronomy with them.

(hugs pensieve)

astronomy is so ill. I'm also into astrology. The thing is, you need to go to places where people would be into astronomy. They exist, you just have to find them. You are also very pretty in the picture. I'd love to talk astronomy with you if you lived in my area. They are out there waiting for you, find them. Have you heard of The Mars Volta? Good music. Nassim Haramein, I know you know him, right?

There's an astronomy club in my town but I'm just no good with people. I rather people know about my AS + ADHD so I keep very few friends. I can't handle people judging me because they don't know about it. Playful joking about the way I talk or my 'quirks' is enough to to put me in a bad mood.
I do know The Mars Volta. I'd probably see them live if they ever toured somewhere close to me.

Hello pensieve,

That was a long time.

And what became of that job you found with a photograph a few months ago?
Didn't it work well?

Join the Astronomy club or if you are like me and hate clubs, then single some of the people out from the astronomy club and talk to them. You are bad at talking to people. So what. You have to learn eventually. They feel somewhat like you, which you would come to find. People rip on each other all the time. That stuff used to bug me too but it is the way that humans are down here. They are just stupid like that. Make fun of their idiosyncrasies back. This place is just a big virtual reality game, it doesn't have to be so serious.

They wanted to pay me but said they couldn't. I can still volunteer there.



Over the years I've tried and I don't know what to do when I just stop trying and sit there quietly while everyone is talking around me.
I did get better at it but I don't know what happened. I think I would just drink a lot with them and not care what I said. But I'm on meds and I don't think I should drink too much on them.

Anyway, the tea I just had seemed to settle me down. I'll try to get back into my interests tomorrow and see if that makes me feel better.

Meds? Why are you on medication? What are they?

It's nice to see you back, pensieve. I wish I had useful advice.

awwww, sorry to hear about your troubles *hugs*

nice to see you again btw Pensieve

Thanks for the support guys.
I take Ritalin because I have a slow brain.
I'm feeling A OK today.
I've been reading about physics and later I'm going to read sci-fi and plan some telescope viewing for tonight.

((((((Welcome back hugs.))))))