Just need to rant. Gah.

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So today I went out with my friend and we went for a coffee.
We went to this little cafe where we've never been before - turns out one of my ex boyfriends works there. What a horrible coincidence.

a little background on him, he beat me and repeatedly raped and hurt me. he actually locked me in the boot of a car for a little while once to teach me a lesson for not doing as he asked.

So anyway, I tried to ignore him and hope he didn't see me. But it was really difficult and I didn't want to tell my friend because he's a little possesive of me and he would have caused a scene which I didn't want. So I excused myself and went to the bathroom and I then thought about him and stuff and.. i got a bit flustered and ended up cutting myself a little with a pair of scissors I had in my bag. That calmed me down a little so I went back out into the cafe. We had a nice chat and just as we were about to leave my ex came over and sneered at me and said 'oh moved onto a different guy already?' - thinking that my friend was my boyfriend.

My friend immediately got angry and stood up and made to move towards him but I pulled my friend away so he couldn't cause a scene. I went home and told my boyfriend about it all apart from the self harm - he actually asked me if I had cut myself and I said no.
Later on he found out and said all the things he should like 'it'll be okay' but I know he was really dissapointed that i'd lied to him. I lie to him too often and he's too sweet to cause a fuss even though I know it hurts his feelings.

So now I feel horrible about that my ex thinks i'm some kind of slut who just moves from boyfriend to boyfriend and that I can't even be honest with my boyfriend.

I'm really trying to not let these things get me down but it's getting really difficult.

Crikey emlion. I'm really sorry you went through that.

Your ex sounds like a psychotic loon; why would you care what he thinks? Frightening to think that an abuser from the past can still control you in the present like that.

It sounds like your current BF is a little difficult to cope with too; he doesn't like it when you lie to protect him, and he doesn't like it when you self harm. Bit of a catch 22 then? He probably doesn't know how to cope with this stuff, it probably scares him, and makes him sad. I think you need understanding. Maybe you can communicate that to him. Is there anyone else close to you that you could talk to, like the friend you took to the cafe, perhaps?

I think you should also really try and get some professional help in getting over your negative past.

May you find healing and be free from suffering.

He is. - I know I shouldn't care what he thinks but it's really hard not too after over a year of his opinion being the only one which was correct.

My current boyfriend is perfect. Of course he doesn't like it when I self harm, but I know he'd rather I talked to him about it but I guess i'm too proud to - I don't like him to think of me like that. But now he found out about it, he talked to me about it all and I feel much calmer.

I do go to counciling and it helps - I think this time even a few months ago if this happened I would have possibly ended up hospitalised. I used to cope a lot, lot worse.

When someone has been very abusive and you have to adapt and act like they are "right" in order for you to survive, it is hard to overcome the feelings of needing their approval. It takes time, and a heck of a lot of personal work to overcome the emotional issues that were created during the relationship and to move past the need for external approval.

Cutting is only a temporary fix, and you need to seek out other means of coping with the internal pain. I used to cut (I also have an abuse history) and it took me a long time to get through to the point where I could cope without doing it. Now if I ever get to the point of wanting to cut I just snap a rubber band on my wrist repeatedly until I calm down. However, I rarely get to that point any more now that I do other things like write out everything I'm feeling until I can't think straight any longer or I go and exercise until I've calmed down.

Now that you know mr psychopath works at that place, avoid it like the plague and keep up with the therapy and try your best to be honest with your current BF about how you're doing emotionally.

Best,

Chrissy

Yes, i'm never going to that cafe again.
Seeing my therapist in a while so I can talk to her about this.
I'm not going to let him win and ruin my life any further than he already has.

Your ex should be in jail. Anyone who would think that you are a slut is a heartless individual.
I have to be honest with you. If I were a man, I'd break it off with you because the fact that you cut yourself would scare the hell of me and I would think you had a mental disorder.
BUT after I broke off with you, I'd make damn sure that I'd put a bullet in your ex's head...just because. AND if I should be walking way and see a new boyfriend abusing you, I'd beat him to a pulp but I'd never come back you.

That man should not be working in a coffee shop, he should be locked in a prison cell. No matter what he thinks, does it really matter? They guy isn't worth the oxygen he breathes.

If you don't want to report him, it would be a wise choice never go to that cafe again.

You need to weed the dead wood out of your life, have you told your current boyfriend what he did?

Yeah, my boyfriend knows everything about everything about me.
He gets upset that I never told anyone else and that I won't press charges against anyone.
But he says he'll respect my decision and so far he has.

I won't be going to that cafe again.
I'm sick of letting people who are vile ruin my day. - I say that but it still hurts.
Talked to my therapist about it so it feels a little better.

The boyf and I are making cookies today and going for a nice walk so i'll forgot all about that jerk soon.

He is a very good man.
No one has ever treated me like he does. :3