Can't take it anymore. I'm trapped. Why must it be like this

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I've recently stated an issue with my parents and my beliefs. They are pretty fundamentalist Christians and I'm a Christian who doesn't believe in Hell. Anyone with half a clue knows there will be some conflict. But it's hurting.

Last Friday when I disclosed one of my beliefs I lie about to my parents, I quickly learned two things: 1.), Telling the truth is wrong, and 2.) I can't trust ANYONE with my feelings, let alone my family. I told them about my belief (just one of the beliefs I hide, the lack of hell one.) and there was a heavy conflict. Not going into much detail as I already vividly described in it another thread, but basically, they were intolerant of my thoughts, wanted me to "suck it up" and believe in hell, and face the fact that this is reality. Yell at me, try to brainwash me, and I was in fear of being hit at one point. All while I'm crying. All I learned was that reality and life itself must then be a joke, hell on earth than hell after earth? Things don't make any sense.

They feel the conversation was necessary, even now. They couldn't be farther from the truth, it was completely unnecessary. I went right to bed desiring to take a knife and cut myself all over, angry at myself for not being able to accept the "truth", claiming they know the absolute truth. I'm now in an existential crisis asking myself if I'm real, if the building is really a building, or if everything I see is an illusion. Not only did they throw off my sense of "reality", but they, in effect, grabbed me and threw me down the void of depression. I think I just slightly managed to avoid the same severe depression, but I still can't be certain, my mood has not been the best recently.

The worst part of it all, is that they mean well. They "love" me, pay for my gas, food, housing, etc... They, technically, care for me. But they have no idea at all what they're doing, I'm hurting because of them. They have not technically done anything wrong - they're just people who I can't confide in. I thought I could just simply lie to them about my beliefs - so that my personal freedom and peacefulness is preserved, and what they don't know in this case, cannot feasibly hurt them. At all.

But the fact that I'm lying nevertheless, and the Friday trauma, and everything else, I can no longer look at my parents without contempt or hatred. Unfortunately, now more than before (because of recent events), it's obvious - now they can easily notice that I'm looking at them this way. They feel helpless regarding me, I feel like s**t, they feel hated for no reason, and I can't force myself to do work I'm supposed to do (like filling out applications go get a job). They now feel like I hate them. I don't want to hate my parents for something I did - maybe using my brain to find something peaceful to believe in was a bad turning point. Maybe I should have been just like them. It's not their fault, it must be my fault. So they're financially supporting me when the costs are high, we're not in the best state financially, and I can't fight my procrastination to do applications and get my own money... they're paying for the psychiatrist, therapist, medication, all because I have no money and I f**k up the chances to get money.

I f*****g hate this and want this all to just f*****g end. I have such contempt for them when everything's my fault, I can't appreciate the things they do for me. I'm a waste of life that can't appreciate their help. I live under their support and... I f**k up everything.

:/ I want to use the sad face but I don't even deserve to be sad.

If I can't learn how to both love my parents (and make them feel like I do) and hide myself, simultaneously, I may as well just kill myself. And this is incredibly difficult to comprehend, let alone actually DO. It may just be impossible. I can't lie to them about my feelings towards them. They would only let me live away from them if they felt like I was mentally stable, but this is the reason I'm not mentally stable. So I don't even think I can hold onto the hope of me possibly leaving them a few years into the future and then things "will get better".

Are things doomed to be like this forever? If so, then why deal with this same mess and torture for another several years, granted I live that long to begin with? Why should I NOT kill myself now and save the time? I don't get why I'm not suicidal when I have every reason to be.

I can feel completely separated from people close to me if we disagree about something as important as whether or not there's a hell. It helps me to remember that wanting to see people as all good or all bad is part of autism, and it's not one of the good parts. It can be hard for me feel like it's okay to even clearly think my own thoughts if I know someone around is hostile to them. If I were you, I would practice just believing what you believe, and maybe praying, since it sounds like God is very important to you.

It sounds like your parents have beliefs that are more rigid than yours. Remember that most people who have autism in their families show some tendency toward it themselves. Rigid thinking is one of the most common ones. I think a lot of autism family problems are caused because everybody-- not just the diagnosed one-- approaches situations with a tendency to fixate on details and what's gone wrong.

All this over "hell"?

I never understood why some christians become so angry when people don't agree with them on religious issues. It's not written "get angry".

I would have likely handled the situation differently, citing verses to support why I didn't believe in hell.

There are actually a lot of misconceptions propegated in christianity that are not supported by scripture, and I don't see why the churches don't correct this.

Judaism does not really have a fire and brimstone concept of hell. In judaism, the after life is not a central component of beliefs and hell is viewed as a separation from God.

Anyway you are not trapped. Someday you will move away from your parents and live on your own.

This is not fun - one of the reasons I keep my mouth shut on most of my ideas except to thr Inner Circle.

From their point of view, of course, if you doubt hell, you may wind up in hell.

Curiously, just this morning my wife pointed me to a letter George MacDonald wrote his father. His father was worried about what he saw as his son's wrong doctrines.

Reassuring him, young George pointed him to Philippians 3:15 - Let us therefore, as many as be perfect, be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.

If they are right and you wrong, if they trust in God, if they can believe you to be sincere, they can trust God to straighten you in time. If ABSOLUTE correct understanding of the heavenlies were necessary, NOBODY would be saved.

Vector: I think I sort of understand what you're saying. I've adopted more of a peace-making mentality, so I have more respect for most people in general, except for those who are seemingly against this mentality, like my parents. So there's a disconnect there.

Chronos: Yes, all over something like that. They even afterwards tried to set up an appointment for me to talk to my pastor about this "problem", and even HE thought they were handling things the wrong way. (I forgot to mention this: I'm apparently seeing my pastor as well, which makes things even more complicated.)

I would have cited verses, but they have an issue with differing interpretations. More than likely if I'd gone that route, they'd have still disagreed; They're near fundamentalism, in a sense.

Well, I learned that lesson fast! But the second part: That's the stupid thing, to them if I'm already saved (which I would say I am) I won't go to hell - but they still want me to copy their beliefs anyways.

Exactly this - This is my number one problem I'm struggling with. I can't comprehend their ideas because I highly doubt any human can completely understand any God. Just the definition of "God" should be like... something we can't be expected to know everything about. And they act like they do.

Sorry if I sound whiny while posting here. :/

Is there possibly a way to lie to and love someone at the same time?

Imagine yourself as the creator, if you made everything and you know the outcomes , what would you do? We are created in its image. Do you think the Creator of our universe built a place of fire where people who don't worship chosen Gods and Books go to burn forever? Do you think if you killed someone, you would learn more of a lesson in life in trying to make up for that action or simply by being burned forever with no redemption? The Creator teaches by mistakes. Aren't mistakes allowed? Isn't that the idea of Jesus sacrifice? The Creator would never condemn any man for all eternity because every soul desires to be redeemed for the good of others.