Why????

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Why is it so easy for some people to get their needs met? Some even have people lining up to help them out. Mine usually go unnoticed even when I do my best to communicate them to others. I usually end up just being inwardly frustrated because no one really gives a rip.

Why is it that others can see that I am stressed out & act like everything is perfectly fine when I am clearly having a tough time or am overwhelmed? I am constantly interrupted at work & am not left alone long enough to keep focused on any task. I get harassed or in trouble because I constantly fall behind in my job.

Why is it that somehow I'm always at fault, &/or I bring problems on myself?

Why is it that people seem to think I don't have feelings, when I do? Mine are seldom acknowledged. But God forbid if I don't acknowledge theirs (the ones who create problems for me).

Why is it that people always yell & scream at me, when I am clearly doing the best I can & am stressed out because of the demands they make? I had 3 people yell at me today. One was a customer who demanded something I can't give, another was my boss, & yet another was a co-worker. My co-worker kept badgering me about something that he had done, & placed all the responsibility for it with me even though I knew nothing about it. The customer was demanding that I get her product to her no later than this Friday when it's in the hands of the delivery company where I have no authority. My boss continually makes demands of me that I cannot meet. I have been working since last fall without any breaks or a lunch because I have too many responsibilities, & he keeps giving me new ones on top of the ones I was already responsible for. No one else in my office has nearly as many responsibilities as I do. Oh yeah, & they have time for fun stuff too. I feel like an outsider even though I've been there for over 5 years.

I have so many questions as to why????? I just don't understand. I'm not sure I ever will. The stress is making me sick, & I don't know how to make things better. I would look for work, but it's scarce, I don't interview well, & am too quirky. I am lucky to have a job right now, even one I have learned to hate.

Unfortunately, this kind of thing hasn't only happened at this company, but it's followed me where ever I've worked throughout my life. Also, I'm on salary. There are no time sheets. My boss is off the hook as there's no way to prove how many hours I do put in each day. It would be my word against his. If I were to speak up, I'd lose my job for sure. I would love to find another job, but they are hard to come by because I live in an area with high unemployment. I don't have a lot of skills, & I suck at interviews. And the older I get, the more undesirable I am to possible employers.

Not the first time I've heard about someone being screwed over on a salary. I knew someone who I believe it was her son was a chef. He worked at Applebees or something I believe not quite sure but he liked his job quite well apparently when he was getting paid hourly. He was offered a salary greater than his current earnings but after he accepted it he ended up doing a lot more overtime and makes less for what he works than he did under hourly wages.

ugh, being a slave to salary.

Well, Chronos, that's true of course. It is MY problem. My even bigger problem is fixing it. I can't remember ever having my needs met or learning healthy ways to deal with stress or life. So this goes all the way back to early childhood. How do I repair a problem that has perpetuated since I was in diapers? I have discovered that stress causes my body to attack itself.

From what I can gather, I just found out last year that during my life I had a partial hysterectomy. The only thing I know is that I did have surgery before I was one year old for a "herniated ovary." I Googled babies with female organ issues, & got zero responses. That leads me to believe that I was sexually active as a baby. Which makes a lot of sense actually. My mother has always been angry with me...down right mean & abusive (physically, emotionally, & verbally) since I can remember. My father used to burn me with his cigarettes, taunt me, etc. I had no one to turn to, & worse, I didn't know how to express what was going on, because I could trust no one. I lived in fear of what my parents would do next, so I learned to do my best to submit to their craziness. No, meant a beating, verbal lashings, torture, etc. And it wasn't just my parents who were abusive. It was pretty much everyone I knew...peers, teachers, relatives, friends of my parents (one of them even molested me for 3 years, before I got enough courage to say no to him...I half expected him to kill me at that point), etc. I'm not sure if CPS even existed back when I was a kid. I'm sure there must have been someone who knew something was wrong but not a single soul did anything about my situation.

So fast forward to my middle-aged years: I survived an abusive husband, a physically abusive kid, an abusive court system, countless jobs where I've been pushed to the breaking point. I am in a healthier place now, but it is as though I wear a neon sign that says "abuse me."

I have tried going to shrinks....it's not helpful when they looked shocked at what I've survived, & ask me how I've managed to stay alive. I mean they are supposed to help, aren't they? I've tried going to regular doctors, they just want to give me pills. Yeah put a Band-aid on my troubles. Why not do the same for someone with acute cancer...hand them a Band-aid, & send them on their merry way? The only thing that's been somewhat helpful is acupuncture. It's the only time where I can almost relax. But now I've ran out of sessions & am waiting for another referral.

In the meantime, I am waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks, my health is getting worse, & I feel like I am being crushed from all the pressure that I feel from my personal life as well as my job. In all honesty, it feels like I am in one of those car crusher machines.

So if you know something obvious about how to turn this situation around, please enlighten me.

I don’t know why, but I just seem to be wishing for things in a narrow sort of way. Most people wish for things what they want but may never get, like lots and lots of money, or not having to work, or having the opposite colour hair to what they have, or to be smaller, or anything like that.
But for me, I seem to be wishing for things what I don't want. For instance all of my cousins are NTs, and the youngest is 13 now, and he’s starting to be out and about now with his mates, like all the others are. My cousins who are under 18 all hang out with mates after dark, and the cousins over 18 go to big loud sociable parties.
And I know it’s not the thing for me because a) they’re too loud, b) I don’t like drinking, c) I can’t dance, and d) I don’t like dressing up and being out late at night. So I know I’m better off not going. BUT, when I feel reminded that I’m the only one in my generation of the family who don’t do these things, I start getting angry with myself, and also jealous, and start wishing I was going to a party. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to. I’m not bothered. It’s like I share my body with 2 souls - one wants to be popular and outgoing, and the other wants to be indoors quietly each week-end. Is this the case? Or is it that I can’t accept who I am? I don’t know - does anyone else get these strange emotions here?