I cant change for humanity

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Putting a lot of thought into this:

If I pissed too many people off or hurt them in anyway, it's a truth to myself that I dont care anymore. If the only apologies I'm capable of giving are backhanded than I just dont care to fix myself. Hell I've never even understand the specific understanding of the term responsibility.

The truth is I am not willing to change. Changing myself means breaking for other people...being their slave after wronging them Taking responsibility wouldnt be about making me a better person more than it is becoming the person people want me to be. They'll take pleasure in seeing me be a better person instead of an ass. It's their form of Karma. Which is b.s. and doesnt even exist.

Breaking for people means I will always be wrong for the rest of my life. I have already spent too much of my life being wrong and having everyone take advantage of that. I cant live like this anymore...I really cant...

I also refuse to change. I've done enough of that business last August and September. Once I've succeeded, I've decided that enough is enough. I don't want to change for anybody, because I've changed one last time, for myself and I made it count. I'm CockneyRebel. I like the 60s. The Kinks are my favourite group. Mick Avory is my role model. This is who I really am. This is the way that I'm made to be. People who tell me otherwise are missing the point that's so glaringly obvious. I'm happy the way that I am, and I'm not changing for no white witch.

It will make life more difficult, but I don't see myself changing either. I don't think I could even if I wanted to.

I just dont want to live anymore is what it comes down to.

Living requires me to apologize and change who I am. The former i easy but the latter can not be achieved no matter how much effort I put into it.

I've already pissed enough people in the world to warrant a suicide like years ago. I'm mad at myself for not trying harder to do it then and now I'm stuck in a situation where I will piss off people even I do kill myself. It isnt fair. I'm sick of living a life where I'm yelled at and I always have to apologize. I cant be responsible for change that I am incapable of doing. People dont get that. That's why in my situation killing myself is better. Eventually my parents will have the money they need instead of spending money to keep me alive and they can stop being demeaning and insulting to me for having to pay for me not getting people to hire me. Plus I just dont care anymore. No job in life appeals to me for a greater purpose.

I know it's cliche and I'm going through some sh***y times as well, but killing yourself is a permanent solution to a supposedly temporary problem. However, being an aspie is a HUGE thorn on our side. It's a permanent disability/disorder/difference and it's hard for most to adapt. I can play the NT facade quite well like it's second nature. But I struggle everyday as far as social interactions although I will admit even though I've been in and out of sexually-triggered depression the past few weeks I've been finding out more about how I socialize. Also, unlike some aspies here I think living in your own little world and having your own special obsessions is BS. Yes, I have my special interests but I don't dream that I'm stuck in an earlier age. Sorry if that struck a chord with some here. Although I will say it's cool to reminisce for younger days.

I was employed too but I had to quit for school and I nearly got fired due to a petty disagreement with someone.

So hang in there. Even though I'm no Prius driving and Obama-worshipping liberal, IN is one of the worst states as far as social services goes.

The problem maybe temporary but it's a constantly repeating temporary problem and that is what's getting at me the most...that maybe things will look better in a week but it give it a few days after that and every goes to hell again.

It's just been one problem after another for me this week (minus Thanksgiving) and what makes it even worse is that I had just returned from a 5 day personal coaching program prior to all of these problems starting. It was a great program of self discovery and taking control of my life and understanding responsibility as I have never understood it before. Then I come home and nothing changes. The truth is that I cant accept responsibility. I was never truly sorry toward the people I upset, I was only sorry enough to ensure that my current environment remained in balance but I have to accept if I really dont care for certain people and I upset them it's gonna cause radical change in my environment.

I wrote an email to an old friend who wronged me years ago and I probably pissed her off more as a result but seeing as I wrote it as a means of helping me move on with my life and what she did to me, I'm trying not to care that I may have written the email wrong but I cant help it. My life story can pretty much be interpreted in the way I wrote that letter. And I have made so many mistakes this past week that got my dad really upset and costing him alot of money. I got mad at him and he got even madder at me. Then he criticizes me for taking so many little things serious and since our fight, he's been demeaning and belittling me.

Our life is a cycle of things repeating. But the things in my life that keep repeating arent worth repeating for another week or another year.

Dying in my case is really the best answer here for everybody. It's b.s. when they claim it's not.

raisedbyignorance. Your name itself shows the problem. It is time that you stand up for yourself because I know that you are special. There is something that tells me that there are great things for you if you just hold on. start believing in yourself and you just might see life get better. The first step is to know that you are loved and to love yourself. You are a precious being and don't let anyone ever take that away from you.

I, too, will never change for others. I am me, if you don't like it, you can f**k off.

You do not need to change who you are at all. All you need to do is express who you are deep down and not who you were conditioned to be. Nothing anyone ever says or does to you is because of you. It is because of them. Everyone is in their own world. I know this may be hard to believe, because I was in a similar situation for years, and it can be extremely difficult to bypass all of those automatic emotions. But you do not need to change for society to accept you. Those who truly matter are willing to look beyond your faults and see you as you truly are.

It's a shame I can't say that. I'd get my ass kicked if I did. I'd understand that it's not possible, so I just decide to live a short life.