Seriously worried for my future, NEED HELP

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It's my first year in college and I'm miserable. I feel like I'm incapable of making friends no matter how hard I try and I'll live the rest of my life alone.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's at a very young age, I have a pretty mild case but I've made friends here and there but I spent the majority of my time alone. I never felt bad about this but now it's my first year in college an I feel awful. I feel like I'm lacking whatever other people have inside of them that allows them to make friends. At the beginning of the year we all did orientation activities where we were put in groups and got to know each other. Everybody in my group still hangs out except for me. Everybody on my floor in my residence hall hangs out except for me. This all makes me horribly depressed (I'm crying as I type this). I've been seeing a psychologist for three months and I just started taking anti-depressants.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm very socially awkward and sometimes I feel like I make other people uncomfortable just by interacting with them. Sometimes I feel like I'm a seemingly "normal" person but something inside of me prevents me from getting close to other people. Whatever it is, I just want it to end, but sometimes I fee like it never will end. I'm worried that I'll be forty years old and I'll never have had a close friend and I'll never have held a woman in my arms.

Has anybody else been through a situation like this? Is there any hope for me? Is there any way i can develop the skills that I failed to develop as a child?

I know it all too well. It's the reason I broke down into tears so much at my jobs.
I'm so sorry. Where do they hang out? Could you just turn up there? Just makes me feel stink to see someone so left out.

Yes, I have felt everything exactly as you describe. Does it get better? Well, I certainly can't say that I've solved those problems, but one thing that worked better for me was to stop trying to connect with these "groups." Because I will never function in groups. When I would try to be part of the group or partake in their activity, it would make me feel even more lonely because despite being present, I was not in fact part of their group. School, work, whatever there are always cliques and you will probably not be part of it. I'm not saying avoid these people because they have a group that doesn't include you, but don't try overly hard to be in the group activities unless for instance you are going with somebody you like individually.

My advice: work on individual relationships instead. Occasionally people come along who you will be able to connect with. If you're anything like me, you'll be able to connect with them a lot better when it is just the two of you. Hanging out, chatting, getting coffee, going to some activity, etc. The more people are added into the mix the more difficult it is (for me at least) to participate or fake normal. Plus, if you do something considered "weird" a lot of people when they are by themselves will be tolerant or laugh it off, if they like you. If there is a group of people looking on, the "group think" will influence them and it will be much more awkward. And yes, some of the people I've connected with this way over the years, I definitely feel that they also have their own "circle of friends" that I'm not really a part of, and they mean more to me than I do to them. I don't have the answers for all of this... I'm lonely and missing having connections still myself at times, I'd certainly like to have more meaningful ones. But, I've gotten through the miserable crying alone feeling isolated point (for the moment at least .

Also, where there are groups and cliques there are always other people left out besides you (as far as I can tell, that's kind of the point of having a group for them). Try to befriend these people and do something on your own together. Which is not to say that the people I've been "friends" with over the years have only been loner types... sometimes it is outgoing people the opposite of me who I get along with, the sort who has a lot of friends. But even these people, I don't tend to try to join the group they belong to, it doesn't work. And, people who are your friend act different when they are in a group, even if they aren't trying to exclude you... so try the individual route.

I do have the same feeling you do that I simply make a lot of people uncomfortable. As I know it's even worse when there are more people around, I've just decided that there's a large percentage of people I'm just not going to click with... once you identify them, move on and meet somebody else. The more people you meet, the more chance of meeting the few ones that you will get along with who won't get hung up on your differences (they do exist... just few and far between as any true friend).

I agree with pretty much all of what Grendel writes.

The following is kind of long, rambling and possibly incohereant, but there actually might be some useful information here...

Coming from the perspective of a 45 year old who was in a similar position in college, here are a few things I learned...

My first year of college sounds much like what you describe. I tried to make a few friends but found it difficult. I was still in contact with a few friends from high school, but we were all headed off in our own directions and I soon lost contact with them for over 20 years.

I became a theatre major and was struck by the very accepting attitude that most people had there. I think this was due to the fact that theatre attracts a lot of odd balls. I always was a techie rather than an actor and the technical challenges were something I was good at. There were always two or three people from other departments that would get involved. More help is always appreciated in a theatre department.

At any rate, I bring this up because it was a very valuable experience for me. If your school has a theater department, you might ask about helping with set building, light rigging, sound work, stage hand work etc. There is a sort of instant intimacy that can happen during the organized chaos of theatre.

The result for me was that two of my closest friends, the people I consider to be my family, I met in the theatre department. We have remained very close friends for about 25 years now.

There may be other departments that can use help. I wouldn't be surprised if some science labs that are running large, complex experiements could use a hand from an interested outsider. Perhaps not, but it would be worth asking.

I guess I mention this because where I have found meaningful friendships has been where I have been engaged in a kind of work we all enjoyed doing.

If your field is history or math there may be less in the way of close interactive work, but if someone has a presentation or a lecture to give, it might be worth helping them prepare.


You mention fearing you will end up being 40 and without close friends. It's possible although you may find it becomes easier to form friendships as you progress into your 20s. I have only a very small number of close friends plus a few scattered casual friends. I have never been comfortable in close, intimate relationships and have lived alone for the past 15 years or so. I won't say it's a lot of fun, but one thing I have come to understand; I live the way I do because it is a choice I have made.

Understanding and accepting that the way I live is, to some extent, a choice makes it easier to accept. I could choose to find a room mate, but although there are advantages to a room mate, there are also disadvantages which I would rather avoid.

Sorry... this is a bit rambling... I guess I'm trying to say that if you can find other people with interests that are more like your own, or if you can find a group project that would genuinely appreciate your help and you can become excited by their project you may find that the friendships just naturally form.

My mother is an artist and one of the great lessons I learned from her was that you cannot set out to paint a great painting and expect it to turn out well. Instead you have to set out to create a good picture that does something specific (capture a person's personality or depict an interesting scene.) and if you are focused on that task and you do it well, maybe the painting will turn out great.

You may be too focused on having friends and forgetting what a friend really is. A friend is someone with whom you share some interests and goals and with whom you can meaningfully communicate. A friend will help support you when you need it and accept support from you when they need it. Friends happen when you are off doing other things.

When I met my closest friend in college, we happened to be the only two film making geeks in the theatre department. I was good at photography and he was an actor who needed to make a film. We agreed to work together - I did the cinematography for that and many subsequent films - and in that process we became good friends.

At any rate, one of the things you may be experiencing is that making friends in college can be very different from regular school. There is less structure that forces people together and being adults, you are expected to get along well without adult supervision. What worked when you were younger will not work now. You have to learn new ways of making friends.

That transition to the first year of college can be quite difficult. You will survive it. As you learn how different the social life can be, you can adapt and find ways to interact with people who are more like yourself.

Good luck

i had the same experience in college. i basically called it High School Part 2. i was not popular in high school but i was a band member, so i had my identity and my circle of "friends" around me. I remember my first few days at college everyone was nice and funny and wanting to hang out, but sure enough by the end of the first month, friendships had grown and i was on the sidelines. Even when i tried to make friends outside of the 3 or 4 rooms around me, it always seemed to late and i just didnt get with the program fast enough. luckily, i had a girlfriend back home who i was madly in love with so i essentially survived my first year of college because of her. the next 2 years, my friends changed every year as did every roommate. i got a job at a dining hall and joined one of the radio stations my sophomore year after my relationship back home had ended. and still i never made good friends, i had acquaintances at best and they only lasted a few months at a time. i had one good roomie my junior year who became my only friend my sophomore year but by the end of our junior year, we rarely spoke or hang out.

i ended up leaving that college at the beginning of my senior year after having a nervous breakdown because at that time, i was living in a single room by myself (in the same dorm i lived in my freshman year) and after 4 years of not having any real fun or real friends, i couldnt take it anymore. it was depressing, sure, but i was also relieved to leave that place. so i know exactly what you're going through. i was not diagnosed with asperger's until i was 25 and until that point i always believed i was doing nothing wrong and that somehow some cosmic force had made me be surrounded by the most unfriendly, completely opposite, completely uncaring individuals. but that is not the case. I dont think people with asperger's can just make up these experiences and or enjoy being alienated as some people like to think people use asperger's as an excuse for their behavior. no we just have to learn basic social skills that everyone else is naturally or easily able to handle better than us.

dont give up. you are not alone.

Yes, I have been through much the same situation.

A couple questions for you. You said college as opposed to university. I assume this means you are in the United States? What size school is it? Are the classes large or small? What kind of classes are you taking? Are they lecture style, labs, discussion oriented? Is the school located in a metropolitan area, rural area, or a university town? Other than the social life, are classes going well? Are you enjoying it academically? Does your campus offer work-study or internships? Is there a student senate (oftentimes the student senate has at-large or non-voting positions or committees that need to be filled and they are far less cliquey than high school student councils)? Are there places to study other than your room?

Maybe these questions will get you thinking about unique ways to meet people. Or answering them might us all help you better.