Back to zero

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I have been feeling a lot better recently; I'm not sure if it was my medication. Today I left the house to go to college, my happiness being a 6-7 out of 10, up from the average of 3-4 it had been in 2010.

But today it plummeted dramatically, and I don't know what the heck it was that caused it. I'm feeling pretty damn 0-2 at the moment.

I was sitting in a classroom all on my own (the teacher said I could sit in there while waiting for the next lesson), and a person from my class came in and started talking to me about how "the teacher is ripping the sh** out of him and got a warning for his bad behaviour" and all sorts of other things.

I thought "And?" because I really couldn't care less, but I pretended to achknowledge it, like I do. He said "Why aren't you out here with the rest of us?". I said "I uh, dunno, I just, I dunno". It's answers like that that I give that make me realise how much of a dreadful failure I am in socializing.

I don't even want to socialize, the world can blow up and leave only me alive for all I care, just so I can get some peace! But no, I can't even avoid it, I will have to talk to people for the rest of my life. I'm definitely not coming back to college next year, I just want to do an antisocial job or something, to do with my cartoons.

And I sure as hell am not doing Art in college. I've already screwed up the first two years just going to college itself; it destroyed my life and now I have to get my broken brain fixed (not the Asperger's, I know that's there forever) What I mean is my depression, anxiety, lack of motivation and ambition.

And tomorrow there is my friend's party with 20 people that are going to be there, 13 of which I've never met. This is going to be a super social nightmare. Why the hell did I tell him I was going to go?? AAAHH!! ! Mixing with people doing drugs and drinking heavily, thats not who I am!