Rest in peace, my friend... and also... I'm sorry :/

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I just found out that one of my few friends ever in my life, didn't stop talking to me because she just had been using me for my money and help, but because she was cutting off contact with everyone, before taking her life on the 29th of September, last year. I feel ashamed of having thought that she used me when she really was just doing so poorly - I knew how badly she was doing, yet I allowed my cynicism to conjure up untrue things about her, just because it "added up" to being "possible". I have recently started thinking that cynicism is the way to go in life, but here is proof that I was wrong.

Rest in peace, Christèle. I know you are in a better place, now, and I refuse to believe anything else but that you soon will get the happiness you deserve.


...Reading her old SMS'es to me feels so weird, now. :/

I'm sorry for your loss. I can relate, I've recently lost a loved one myself. Hopefully you'll move onwards in life.

So sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

I'm more concerned with her sister, who told me. The worst is *how* I found out - I contacted her about those past things that I had assumed were just her using me, and asked her if she could tell her sister about it. I wasn't rude in any way but I shouldn't ever have assumed such a thing about her. A past friend of hers contacts her about something that has to do with money and loss of trust. I really hope I didn't upset her. Still, I'm very glad I contacted her so I wouldn't have this false view of her, maybe for the rest of my life. I asked her if she might want to keep up contact, because of me having known her and so, but I honestly tend to be a bad friend. I have such a hard time lying about some things and I have to struggle not to appear like an ass, much because of it.

I remember how her sister told me how Christèle was so happy over something I had done for her, back then... and she told me what a good friend I was to her sister, because of it... yet I later managed to allow myself to become so cynical that I would rule her out like an opportunist, or otherwise purely selfish person. I guess the reason to why I became this dark in my mind was because of my ex-Internet-girlfriend, who was unfaithful to me, but it is not an excuse. This is what may happen when you become too cynical and I think I have learned a very important lesson... -_-

I'm sorry for your loss.

As for what happens when you are too cynical, I know a thing or two about that. If you expect people to let you down... they always will. I lost a lot of friends with that mentality.

non physical ((Hugs))...and my condolences...I had a cousin who committed suicide. I was not very close to him at the time when he took his own life as a teenager, but I have wondered whether perhaps part of his issues had to do with the fact that he might have been on the "spectrum"...and I wish I had gotten to know him better....

I'm sorry for your loss

Don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't know.

~Kate

I was very annoyed with her, to say the very least, last time I talked with her, in April, and a bit afterwards, openly accusing her of just having used me for my help. :/ It all did look strange and it was easy to misinterpret things, but I shouldn't have assumed things, anyway... I should've remained neutral. I feel guilty. :/ I'm sure she stopped writing me back so I would dislike her, since it'd be easier for me when she'd be dead, then, as her sister said she in fact had been doing to her friends, beforehand... cutting them off. I keep thinking that she remembered me as "hating her", when she died. I'd like to visit her grave and say I'm sorry I ever thought what I did... maybe she'd be listening. She lives... -_- ..lived in another country, though... not that it'd be a problem going there...

I think visiting her would be wonderful. Odds are you have some things to say to her and should have the opportunity. If travel is difficult, write her a letter and then burn it. That's what my family always did, thinking somehow, the smoke would carry the message to the departed person.

I'm sure she was cutting all of her friends off, as to cause you all less pain with her absence. That's very difficult. I am sorry.