Any other ACoA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics) here?

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If so, how are you dealing with/how have you dealt with that? I've been realizing, as of late, that I have not been dealing so well myself. I seem to fit ACoA World Service Organization's "The Problem" (below) pretty well, although I have not been willing to admit that to myself for a long time.

http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s

As a child, abuse and addiction to various drugs and alcohol was something the majority of adults in my life were dealing with, so I grew up in an environment where repressing things and keeping up appearances on the outside while things were really falling apart on the inside was the norm. I've been coming to realize, though, that not being honest with myself about how much this stuff effected me is holding me back in many areas of my life.

I'm not sure how to break through it, though. I've always wanted to write and last summer a friend of mine encouraged me to stop talking about it and just sit down and write a memoir. (God bless him and his good intentions!) Despite his encouragement, I tried and could only get about two chapters into it before hitting a block. I haven't been able to get back into it since, I guess because I wasn't ready to explore certain things and 'certain things' have been so powerful in shaping who I am that I couldn't really write about the rest of my life without acknowledging them. ("It's all a rich tapestry"--lol).

So, I don't really know what to do, but do know that I DON'T want to attend Al-Anon meetings because the one (yes, I know I should not judge them based upon attending one meeting eight years ago!) I attended before seemed to focus so much on what we could all do to help the addicts we knew that I got angry. (I mean, I had been trying to do that my whole life and that, to me, was the source of most of the trouble to begin with!) If that is what all the meetings are like, I don't think I could manage to get through one without getting mad and storming out. Plus, all of the people in my family with addiction issues have either died or are no longer on speaking terms with me; at this point my motivation is not to help them out, but rather to help myself. I thought about asking my brother to come along, but, although we get along and are pretty close, this is actually not something we've ever talked about openly before.

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom???

I am an expert in relation to the Twelve Steps, and dealing with all of this begins at Step One where we admit we cannot manage our own ways into success and happiness ... and it really does not matter where or how we have in the past picked up any particular model (philosophy) or whatever. With or without the influence of others, we have each given life our best shot and thereby proved our need for transformation.

Yep I'm one, and no I don't think I have any wisdom. I think I'm pretty much at the same stage as you, don't want to attend an Al-Anon meeting and there are no ACA meetings in my area. I don't think a 12-step program would help me and I haven't read the literature on the adultchildren website for a long time. It probably sounds like I'm burying my head in the sand but I try. *shrugs*

Possibly not, but the Twelve Steps will help anyone looking to replace whatever they have going now.

I've realized recently that that's what I've been doing, too, for a long time. I think it's how we were conditioned to deal with things growing up.

I guess another thing about my not wanting to attend Al-Anon meetings is that, as a person with Asperger's, there is some overlap that I know other people there just won't understand. With some interpersonal and relationship concerns, it is hard to discern what issues are the result of upbringing/environment and could possibly be healed/helped and what issues are just always going to be present because my brain is wired differently thanks to autism.

There are many gray areas. And, it's hard to 'fix' something when you can't really figure out its root cause.

Yes! Very well put.



Yeah just reading and reflecting upon the Twelve Steps has helped me in the past. I took what I could from it.

Sorry, I don't have much to contribute to this thread...

My dad's a full blown alcoholic and my brother & I also suspect that he's an Aspie (during one of the only times we've spoken seriously about anything, my dad once confided in me that he started drinking in high school because he was so shy).

My brother had his problems with addiction and now attends AA meetings all the time - he and his wife seem to plan their entire lives around meetings and I just don't get it. But it works for them and that's really what matters. (Sidenote: A therapist once told my brother that she thought he could be an Aspie, and he never told me that until I told him that I was being evaluated for Asperger's.)

Meanwhile, I've been through a lot of soul searching to come to grips with the alcoholism and (completely unrelated to my dad) the abuse.

I have no magic words, no real understanding, but I have come to the belief that everything happens for a reason: this is who I am, this is what made me who I am, and these are the experiences that influenced my choices through life - most especially the choice not to allow drugs or alcohol to control my life - I just don't understand addictive behavior patterns, but I do recognize that they're REAL for a lot of people, especially in my family.

But we can't live in the past - we can only come to grips with the past, so instead of asking "Why these things happened," I now ask "How can I learn from what happened?"

I don't know if this helps or not, but I have done a lot of reading and talking and thinking about these things and would be more than happy to continue the dialogue with you, should you wish. Either way, Good luck!

You would likely not find much help at Al-Anon, but that discovery and its resolution are still what the Steps are about.

You reminded me I am not the only person who feels this way and that was pretty much was I hoping for, so you contributed a lot, actually. Thank-you.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that. Thanks for starting the thread, I will definitely follow it.

I am pretty certain my late father had Asperger's, as well. I attend GRASP meetings and have met many people at those meetings who either self-medicate with drugs and alcohol or have family members with Asperger's who do, too. Isn't it suprising that there isn't more literature out there about it, given how common it is?

I used to drink a lot when I was married (23 years) and I though it was because I was just trying to fit in always having been labelled as a shy child myself. After we divorced 7 years ago, I was drinking much less and I started to think through why I felt I needed to drink. I took awhile to isolate the feelings but I finally realized that for me it wasn't about 'fitting in' it was actually about feeling totally overwhelmed by the relationships, they were all loud and intense and liked to yell at each other and it was this I could not cope with.

I have since realised that I have AS and like the other poster my father was an alcoholic and I suspect AS, many other in my family too in particular my cousin who I suspect is lower on the scale the vast majority of them have used alcohol all their lives without really knowing why. I have not drank anything in 5 years and that's not to say I may not in the future, but now I can visit with friends who are drinking and I don't feel the need to as I'm not experiencing the same level of intensity as in the past and I know enough now to remove myself from the situation should it become that way in the future as I just can't cope when people are being really intense, loud etc.

My own personal view is that we know the number of children being diagnosed with ASD is on the increase but I believe there to be a huge number of adults, many of whom are self-medicating because they have not been able to deal with sensory overload, intensity, executive processing issues etc. who fall under the spectrum.

Honestly, it sounds like you've dismissed ACA after having given it only the most passing consideration. How about reading some of the literature (and by that I mean more than just what's available on the website)? If, after reading the Fellowship Text, you decide that this really isn't for you, then OK. But, based on one meeting eight years ago? What kind of meeting was it? Could it be that it was a topic meeting and that you just got unlucky, given where you were/are with this? I don't believe that ACA's driving principle is to build an army of co-dependent people ready to be of service to the active addicts in their lives.

Well, thanks for your candor. I'll take that under advisement.

I thought ACoA and Al-Anon were two different organizations, though. Are they affiliated or something? And, I'd said that I did think I fit the text I'd linked to on ACoA's website, so I guess I'm a little confused by your comment.

No, sorry, I'm the one who's confused. Somehow I didn't make the distinction as I was reading your post, and I thought that you had given up on ACA after one meeting. (And I really didn't mean to come across so forcefully. I just thought you were dismissing something that you thought felt really right based on very limited testing -- but, again, my mistake.) Yeah, Al-Anon doesn't seem to have the best reputation for whatever reason -- lots of reactions similar to yours. That said, I'm sure it's been incredibly helpful for certain people. Whatever the case, all of these meetings have different vibes, and it sometimes takes a lot of effort to find the right environment.

If you think ACA is a "fit," then why not explore it? Maybe the literature will be helpful. Maybe meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps will help you "break through it," as you say.

Good luck and good health...

According to my counseler I am, because my dad is a bit of an alcoholic....but I don't really care to much anymore. I have accepted who he is and I don't expect him to change. I don't have any hard feelings towards him about that either.....I mean sure there are things that have angered me but nothing I would hold a grude for.

I drink myself and have used other substances, and have even come close to losing control....so I understand the kind of position my dad was in for a lot of his life and how much he must have been going through to get so caught up in drinking all the time.