Help? Not really sure what to call this...

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Well this is going to be one of those “life story” topics, but I’ll try to avoid rambling:

I have felt like an outcast for about as long as I can remember. I’m not sure if I have AS though, as I’ve never seen anybody for anything regarding mental health (I’m not even sure who to see for that). I’ve taken some online tests regarding AS, and I always seem to be right in between NT and AS.

I have taken this one: http://www.piepalace.ca/blog/asperger-test-aq-test/ twice, one time trying to get as low a score as possible, and another trying to get as high a score as possible. I got a 26 for my lowest and a 37 for my highest. I guess that makes me a geek? I feel like I’m probably more of a socially awkward NT who prefers to keep himself.

I tend to think about anything and everything a lot, maybe too much. I have a tendency to be overly articulate, which can cause me to be convoluted, and I have been told I have a very formal manner of speaking. I must not be any good at expressing myself because I’ve been asked whether or not I even have emotions before (which I definitely do) and people have made comments like “you look happy/angry/sad” or something like that, but I’m not really feeling that way at all.

I have a tendency not to address people I know when I see them. I lost a friend in high school because I didn’t say hi when we walked by each other in the hall a few times. I force myself to wave or say hi sometimes now, but I’m not that great with talking to people. Up until a few months ago I always thought when people saw you and said “Hey! How are you?” that they actually wanted to know how you felt at the moment. That lead to me incorrectly thinking a neighbor of mine was concerned for me. I give the expected “Oh I’m fine. How are you?” response now though.

I’ve don’t have a problem with sarcasm or figurative language though. In fact I have been known to be a rather sarcastic person at times, and am finding that I actually quite enjoy reading literature filled with figurative language. I also have basically no problems with eye contact, nor was I born with any sensory issues, but I did develop solar urticaria (freaking sun hives!) when I was 14, and I have no idea why. I also tend to be rather perceptive/sensitive to the moods and actions of others, which I don’t think people with AS are supposed to be.

I don’t know my birth family’s health history as I’m adopted. I still live with them though I don’t speak with them often. I’ve never mentioned AS to them but I don’t think they would be willing to accept that there is anything “wrong” with me (I don’t mean to say AS is a bad thing). I feel like I’m a genetic screw up. At times I think that I’m a rape baby or something.

My mom spoiled me terribly and treats like I’m half my age (I’m 19) and has always acted like a doormat and a helpless victim of life, traits which I’ve picked up far too well. My (very NT) sister is even more spoiled than I am (guys always did what she wanted) and is unendingly selfish. My dad might not be that great of a husband, but he’s always been a good father to me, but for some reason I don’t feel I can tell him about any of my problems.

I know I’ve been at least mildly depressed for the past few years. Suicidal thinking has come and gone and now it seems so normal that I almost think nothing of it. My entire family is depressed too. I think our individual depression depresses each other even more, if that makes any sense. I heard a major symptom of depression in children is irritability, and that sure would have applied to me as a child.

Speaking of my childhood, I was one little jerk of a kid. I remember having a separate best friend in 2nd, 3rd, 5th, and 7th grades and each time I would find some sort of flaw with them eventually and would just stop talking to them. I would get angry all the time for almost no reason, and I remember one of my cousins once joked that she’d hear about me killing someone on the news (I think I was around 10).

I’ve never really been able to connect to anyone. The person I’m closest to is my father, yet like I said before, I still don’t feel entirely comfortable with him. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that people don’t like having their flaws constantly pointed out, so I’m not nearly the jerk I used to be. I’ve only ever met new people through people I knew when I was a kid, and even so I don’t think I was ever really friends with anyone.

I’m not really sure what to do now. I know I need to get help, but I want to get it so that my family would have no knowledge of it. I also have no money to be spending on therapy/prescriptions (although I want to avoid meds). Well, I will hopefully have more money soon but it will all be going towards paying for school. I don’t really have a realistic goal in life, though I know I want to live somewhere quiet and peaceful.

Uh…yeah I know that was a big wall of text, so thank you very much if you actually read it, and if you just skipped down to this part, you did what I probably would have done . So…respond if you want, and if you don’t, go search for something more interesting.

-Kepheru

If you are experiencing depression to the point of contemplating suicide, you need to tell someone. Your father, a friend, someone, but you also should try to seek professional help, as much as you may not want to. See about talking to a psychologist. A psychiatrist prescribes medication, but a psychologist can help you sort your thoughts and help you find a diagnosis. You may be able to find a free/low cost program that will help you find a therapist.

I can relate to everything you described up until adoption, but my mother was adopted. When we learned more about her birth family's medical history, we were able to determine more about our own mental health (My mother, brother, and I have Bipolar Disorder). I used to get so annoyed meeting new people because they just would ask why I wasn't smiling, or why I looked sad, even though I was just fine. I dwell on things in my mind until I nearly breakdown trying to analyze everything to pieces.

Look in to Bipolar Disorder, but please, open up to someone you trust, and get a professional opinion or two. You deserve to be happy and in control of yourself.

I did (sort of) open up to a neighbor of mine a few months ago, asking her what she knew about depression. She gave me some info on finding a therapist, but even with the sliding scales I found I wouldn't have been able to afford it for more than a five or six sessions. I mentioned suicide hotlines as a means for just venting to someone but she said they might send someone out to my house if I did that. I told her I wasn't suicidal because I figured she would tell my family if I was.

I literally can't think of anyone else to talk to, especially someone I trust. The thing is I don't think I'll actually go through with committing suicide, as I've been thinking about it so long and not acted on it that it's just like a lingering presence in my mind now. I know I need help though. I don't know about bipolar, since I don't think I've ever had a manic or even hypomanic episode. I was also adopted from out of the country, so I don't know how I would figure out my family's mental health history.

I'm honestly not even sure why I'm writing this. I already kind of know what I should do.

I wish you the best of luck, honestly... I hope you can find answers and support here.