Feeling like a fraud/don't really understand myself

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I feel like a liar and a cheap excuse. I've never even stated that I thought I had AS, but recently depression seems to be creeping its way back into my life and I've done a lot of personal reflection and realized most of my AS traits are really just caused by anxiety. My preference for routine, awkward conversations, and disliking of eye contact are all caused by said anxiety, and I've never really had problems with taking something literally or sensory issues. I've also realized that my selfishness is mostly due to being a spoiled jerk, not misunderstandings.

I've always been distant emotionally but also emotionally needy. I've always had anger problems too, and for as long as I can remember I would just decide to start disliking the few friends I would make. There was never any good reason for this, even though at the time I always thought there was. I don't understand why I find people so intolerable for menial things, and now I have no real friends. I go from blaming myself for everything to blaming everyone else, even though I know blaming doesn't help.

I guess when I had first found out about AS I thought that it would be nice for that to be the explanation for why I'm always alone/so strange, but it seems more like I'm asocial/insensitive/mean. I don't have the money to see a professional and I don't trust anyone enough to confide in. I feel lost and I don't know what to do...I'm not really sure why I'm saying this...

Speaking from personal experience here, those things can be difficult to sort out.


Prior to learning about my AS/HFA, I used to refer to myself as one of the most insecure people in the world ... and I think those "emotional-social security" issues had/have a lot to do with my constantly seeking attention and approval from others.


Yes. I used to call myself an emotional cripple.


You bet. Sometimes I was angry with myself for seeming to drive people away, but then I still carried a lot of resentment toward others for letting me down either in the first place or eventually.


Sometimes it just seems more convenient or better to never have to depend upon anybody, but we really do need other people in our lives anyway.


There is where we have to sort internal issues and reactions from neurological differences, and those things do not always neatly separate into two distinct stacks of characteristics.


There are others of us here who have struggled with the same issues and certainly sometimes still do, and the help I have found has come from people just like ourselves after they had done some sorting of their own and had found ways to take specific action/s toward being able to finally exhibit some of the ideals we had previously found completely elusive.

Thanks. I guess it's nice to know that even if I (most likely) don't have AS, I'm not the only one who deals with this kind of stuff. I know I do have plenty of issues and should be doing more to resolve them, so I guess my biggest problem is motivation. I'm not really sure what is so great about life, and I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I feel like I should want more than I want. I think my best chance is to move out of my parents' home and try to really go about finding what I want in life, but it will likely be a few to many years before that.