ugh...so tired of it all

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I've been diagnosed with aspergers and major depression...for some reason I tend to always interpete things people say about me the wrong way, to a negative way, or thinking they don't like me. Events too. Anytime I get praise on something, I just assume it's flattery (i.e not sincere) or, thank them but discount it later. I have a very hard time accepting compliments. Sometimes I'll just stay up really late/early morning reading on the internet in tears...I'm a bit wary of posting here as I've heard some people not getting the right type of feedback. Yes, I've been suicidal, been in the hospital many times, people say sometimes I'm acting this way for attention. I hate that. I just want to prove them wrong sometimes and just kill myself. But I won't do that, I just feel damn trapped.

Never had a girlfriend in my life, a relationship, or a kiss from a girl. I'm 23. i've had dreams about it...but nothing real. It sucks. i don't know what to do. I just feel completely uncomfortable around women, especially now that I am in very good shape and no longer obese. I feel even MORE self conscious, because I'm afraid people are going to judge my physique and think it's either good or not good enough. For some reason even positive good feedback bothers me. I really don't know why, I want attention from the ladies, but it makes me uncomfortable. I lost 95 lbs from 250 down to 152..I'm a guy. I was at 28.8% bodyfat I'm currently ballpark range is around 7%. I bought 2 books on psychology, one that covers most aspects, one that is developmental psychology, or human development. Both excellent books. I read them every day. They are ( I believe) college coursebooks, one had an ASU banner in it. My psychatrist said at this age, most people are looking for intimacy. It sucks. I'm afraid of rejection, it WILL happen, I have to accept that, but I want a friendship, a partner, someone I can lean on, someone I Can do things with, etc, basically a relationship with a women. A deep relationship. I feel so damn isolated all the time.

I had a friend I knew for 6 years, took advantage of me, tried to brainwish me by telling me lies, like, my parents were lying to me and everything was a lie and I shouldn't trust them. And everything I learned from school he said was a lie. I believed him, then went with my gut and decided he was wrong. I see him on facebook everytime I Log in, and the memories still haunt me in my dreams, both good and bad. I don't want to remove him as a friend, I'm afraid of him, he's had a shady past,. I don't want to asssociate with him anymore.

He was my only friend I ever did anything with. (In recent years at least, I did have a friend when I was 6 or so, a couple good childhood friends growing up. But that's it)

Well thanks for listening or reading anyway. (If you can get through it)

You aren't alone, I can tell you that. I feel the same way, we could be brothers or something. (Actually no, my brother 5 years younger got a girlfriend before me, as I can't get past the "awkward fling" barrier)

If you don't want to associate with that old friend of yours, you don't have to. I fear you might have trouble finding a friend before the lonliness becomes too much to bear. Do you know of any places where you can find a friend? like work? or maybe another group related to an interest you have?

I'm realizing that it takes a lot of work to get out of these slumps, but the results have to be better than what you and I feel now.

try to divert your focus from getting some amazing life-saving relationship and instead work on making friends with women. it will help you in lots of ways and after time one may develop into a relationship anyway (or introduce you to a hot friend). a lot of people here seem to meet friends and partners on dating sites, so maybe that would work for you?
many women would probably find it easy to relate to you & the problems you've had and enjoy talking to you.

oh and you do look good. and have sexy arms

Just wondering, does your friend or ex-friend have anything to do with your depression?

Some of the things you described, aren't exclusive to a romantic relationship. Women like physique, but they don't judge it like men do.

Women aren't approaching you because they're being overly judgmental, a lot of women in general just don't approach guys that way. The best you'll get is them trying to make small talk with you and capitalize on that.

My uncle used to loan my aunt a pencil during class in highschool, a lot. She didn't even notice him, till he mentioned in gym class, that they were in the other class together. My Uncle was in GREAT shape physically. The only thing you really have to worry about is being decently active.. (and this is a stretch) and hygiene. Just saying, you're worried about the wrong thing.. I've met so many women who were so hard on their own physique, it seems very unlikely they'd expect men to be perfect and the girls who do expect that--aren't people you even want to talk to, let alone date.[/quote]

Honestly, probably. I still sometimes have had nightmares about it, I'm afraid of him, and I miss the good times we had. The most hurtful thing was I thought he was a real friend, my only "real" friend I ever had. When he started messing with me, I knew immediately he was wrong, and couldn't believe it. I have to just accept that's how he is and I Can't change that. Some people are like that. Besides him, I've never had any friends I hang out with or do stuff with anymore.

I Tried the online dating sites. Both when I was very obese, and now. No difference, no luck. I just figure I'm not good enough? I don't know. Something I must be saying wrong...after 5 months + I did manage to get one girl who messaged me, after talking to her then I never heard from her again. She's a really nice girl but I don't feel any attraction to her at all physically. I'm not shallow, but I like there to be SOME phyiscal attractiveness. I messaged many, many women , and most do not reply back. It's frusterating. And I blame it on myself.


Now that I've lost the weight and gotten in very good shape, because I know I do look good at times, (Other people have told me) it makes me even more self-conscious. Mostly around people I know. I don't know why it bothers me. One time when my dad and I were out moving and I had no shirt on when I was obese, he told me to put a shirt on because it was embarassing. I understand that is his problem and not mine, I did nothing wrong, but I am still struggling with that . I still feel fat, even though I'm not. I still try to be in a calorie deficient to lose weight, even though I'm already around a very low bodyfat ( 7% bodyfat, compared to where I was before at almost 30%.). I just wanted abs and I feel I can never get them fully , because of the loose skin from the massive weight loss. I do feel confident at times, but anytime I see people I know, especially wearing a gym shirt like a muscle shirt, people notice. And it bothers me. Even compliments. I don't know why. I'm not gay, one guy with aspergers thought I may be gay. Not a chance. I just don't get it.

I'm trying to get over this fear I have, of it being embarassing. I have no reason to be embarassed. And when I tried to face my fears by going into my community center with my tank top (which they said was ok), I got one comment from one guy that worked there "Nice guns man." another guy (not staff) asked me if I worked out and wanted me to flex for him...and then tried to feel my muscles. At that point, I took his hand away from me. One middle-aged to elderly women I was talking to, I was explaining it to. She said I had a beautiful hairy chest...(She meant well, but I didn't see it as beautiful.) and muscles...she told me I reminded her of her EX. Then she asked we should exchange numbers sometime....it all made me very uncomfortable. And instead of helping me, I think it reinforced my fears in a way. It's not that I don't want people to notice, I do, but I just feel uncomfortable with it all.

That kinda sucks about the whole dating site thing. Also as for someone suggesting you're gay--unfortunately its a horribly wrong stereotype about any male with meek sometimes non-dominant behavior.

Also people are annoying, people do get impressed when a guy is in good shape tho which might be why they asked to do that.

There's nothing wrong with having preferences for physical appearance, keep things realistic tho and be sure that the women you like aren't just physical attractions. If you don't want to date them, could still be friends with them etc and tbh it wouldn't be a bad thing.

I felt I needed to post this. Please go easy on me. It is bothering me, along with many other things.

Well I have alot I am thinking about that is bothering me right now.
First, I signed up for Compeer, a friendship program for peers. It is for long lasting friend ships.
I want a relationship with a women so bad. I've never had one. Wasn't it Robert Skinner, the psychologist, who mentioned intimacy around age 23?
Isn't that the height of testosterone, more so than adolescence? Of course, like any human, I want sex, but that is not the main thing.
I want a partner. Someone I can relate to. A friend, someone I can do stuff with. Someone I can share my life with. Someone who has common
interests who I can travel the world with. A partner in every sense. A relationship, an intimate relationship, is much more than sex.
I don't believe in one night stands or that crap. I find it a pity that some guys will just go to parties for sex.
It is liking the person for who they are, seeing past the surface, for their true qualities, and what really makes a person beautiful,
is from the inside. People are too shallow these days.

And this is the paradox. People say I'm not manipulative except for my parents, my mom says sometimes (Aren't we all?) my dad has told me
I was before many times, recently he said I am a "twisted and manipulative person.". I tend to twist things out of perportions.
There's a term for it. Overgeneralize? I don't think so, perhaps that's not the term. I also minimize things, but I also do the opposite,
and blow things out of perportions when they are indeed no big deal. For example, I might ASSUME (a pre judgement, or predjuce, also
mind reading) what someone else is thinking about me, based on how they acted, (their behavior), their words, their facial expressions,
always negative things, which most of the time, are not true. Assumpation is the basis of lies. We cannot lie to ourself what we do not know.
We cannot tell what the other people are thinking. Doing so is dangerous, it creats a false world. A world made up by ourselves.
A bunch of false beliefs, which may affect our behaviors. We believe what we tell ourselves. In cognitive psychology, it is said
that it is not an EVENT, (stimulus?), that triggers our negative beliefs and actions, but rather, how we react to that event.
For example, if I lose my job. I can do 2 things. I can show introversion or extroversion. (Is that right?)
I can blame it on others, "My boss was a jerk. I deserve better."(projecting blame, extravoversion) and not be depressed. (Extroversion?) or I can blame it
on myself "I'm a failure, I'm a loser. I deserved it." and the result is one becomes depressed, whereas the other is not affected.
Perhaps even more motivated by his perceived "failure", seeing it as another stepping stone to success. Looking at things positive,
it seems, to be the cure to depression. And this can be achived by positive self talk. Correcting ones falty perceptions about oneself,
with ones more in touch with reality, with more healthy affirmations, one can become positive, and productive individual.

Back to my point. I am afraid I am being manipulative. I have proof, either faulty, or not faulty, or half truth (I'm not sure). To back it up.
Robert Smith, a guy with a degree in psychology, when I was at a group home, told me I was very manipulative. That I was a "master"
of manipulation. It hurt me so bad, I still think I am. He backed it up with proof for each action, "You did this because of this." and it
only reinforced it in my mind. He told me my dream to japan was a pipedream, because of my current situation. I've learned never
let anyone tell you cannot do something. It only shows more than them than you. Do not take things personally, this is important.

More often than not, when someone is critizing you in a negative way, it shows more than their attitude towards themselves than you
in any way.

I'm off track again. The reason I feel I am being manipulative. There is this Compeer program.
It is for long term friendships. I feel manipulative because I KNOW a long lasting friendship might turn into an (as hard as this is
for me to say) intimate relationship. And it hurts me because I KNOW that it's not meant for that, it's for friends.
HOnestly, I do care. I am just so desperate for intimacy. I've never had a girlfriend in my life. I've never held a girls hand.
I've never had sex or kissed a girl. I think it would still be better to have a female, not for the personal intimacy (which I really
don't think is a good idea, but I think about) but rather for someone who can relate and give me tips on the opposite sex. Females
also tend to better listeners, don't have the same sterotypes as men do (Men aren't supposed to cry or show emotion, for example. According to sthereotypes of our "society.")
and have better interpersonal skills, all things I need to work on. Perhaps even give me tips on the opoosite sex.
But, most of all, I just want a friend. That's all. I don't care about the rest, as long as I have a long lasting friendship.
That will make me happier and I will eventually find a girlfriend, because I will have more confidence, be happier, and positives attract,
(as well as negatives, there is a saying "Misery enjoys company." I believe the same is for positive people. Smile at someone,
it may brighten their day and make them feel better. It is good to ask people how they are doing, even strangers. Too many people I think
are in their own little world, going through the motions, not caring for anyone but themselves.


One time, when I was riding my bicycle, for example. I met this adolescent kid who appeared to have a slightly lower than average IQ.
(Downs syndrome maybe?). I was shocked, at when just riding my bicycle down the street, he asked me how I was donig and said hi.
I've never had someone do that. What a difference it made on me. I still remember it. If only we could learn from people who possess the qualities of a child,
the curious, an imagation that is everexpanding and limitless. Most of us lose this at adulthood.

Einstein said, "It is not that I am so smart, it is only that I am passionately curious."

I believe he was right.

I can't sleep.. My emotional problems are too much. It's too hot in here. Must be 95 degrees+
Dad turned off the air conditioner, because of what I did. I had forgotten to not cook fish in the house. He bought me a grill
to cook it outside since he can't stand the smell of fish. So, I cooked it inside. He came in, complaiend of the smell, was quite mad.
"It smells terrible in here!.", "You should know better than to do this.", "You knew you were supposed to cook it outside."
"Now I have to turn off the air conditioner to circulate the air out of the house, because of what you did."

I guess the phrase I hear most often from my parents, especially my dad is, "Accept responsbility." Apparently I do not accept
responsbility for my actions. This is a good train of thought, but I feel like whenever I don't do something right, their answer is
always "Accept responsbility.". Whether this is my own skewed perception or not, I do not know.

Damn it. I'm so upset, frusterated and angry at the same time.

According to my omron 306B handheld monitor, my bodyfat has always been consistent with it as weight went down. I was at 28.8%, then 16%, then 15% (took forever to go from 16% to 15%), down to now at 7%. And I KNEW they aren't accurate. I felt good about myself, but 2 people told me my bodyfat is not 7%, because I do not have sharp cut abs. They said 12-15%. 15%? That's average. That sucks. I worked too hard , and thinking all this time I got below 10% bodyfat, what a shame. wonder I have high blood pressure, I didn't get to as alow as bodyfat I thought I did. I'm going to have to lose more weight now to get my bodyfat down. I don't want to gain muscle, I'm too afraid I will gain fat and won't lose it again. I don't know if I can do that.

Damn it.

This really pushed me over the edge. I was at the neurologist, after this happened, (this started yesterday at noon), I began to feel to have trouble breathing again. My pulse was 120. He siad it was anxiety, I didn't feel well AT ALL. I felt something was wrong. I called my case manager, and he said to call 9/11. I didn't want to. Last time I did, my dad told me I was wasting their time. But I did it anyway. Sure enough, after the fact, I hear him on the phone saying "oh my god!" not out of concern, but that I went to the hospital AGAIN. What's wrong with me?

Today was at the neurologist, for a follow up appointment on my stimulent. one of the things I asked him was how accurate the BIA handheld bodyfat devices were, he said very very inaccurate. He said that it was "impossible" I was at 7% bodyfat through my hard work. So, I guess he's right and its wrong. after all, I've also heard they are horribly inaccurate. Even though my physician assistant said otherwise, most agree, they are terribly inaccrutae. So, if it's so impossible, damn right I'll make it possible. I've lost 95 lbs....I can do this I think.

I'm getting a hydrostatic dunk test in 2 days. (Underwater weighting). If it's more 10 percent, I Have to lose more weight. I don't care if I get to 140-135, and then re-test. I want my abs to show more. Others have even told me, over and over, "You obviously aren't at 7% because you dont' have a six pack. " There' s my answer. I'm not there yet. I doubt its from the loose skin.
I've seen other guys who had no problems with that.

Seems like you're obsessed with weight and physicality to be honest-
you'd really get upset because a bunch of know-nothings think a certain percentage = a six-pack, and your doc said the meter was inaccurate, because you want your body fat to be lower than average, as opposed to just average? Yeah. That's not healthy.

It would appear you're not interested in finding *the* woman to be with, but *a* woman.
Undoubtedly your preoccupation with your own aesthetics lends itself to shallowness, such as rejecting someone because there was no "physical attraction". Physical attraction most often occurs, at least in relationships, because of affectionate *feelings* you have already for someone- such is why most people are to be found with someone who wasn't a pre-conceived notion of idealism. It's not fair to expect that of yourself, either, btw. You say you don't think personal intimacy is a "good idea", and then proceed to describe all the personally-intimate things you want.