I wish....

Post Reply New Topic

I wish people would think about the other person's feelings when they cut someone off absolutely and completely. It's been a whole year since I had that done to me and I'm still obsessing about why, what I could have done differently, why I'm not good enough to even talk to, the infinite number of possibilities of what went wrong (even though I know probably what it was, probably isn't good enough). I am nowhere near over this and the last time someone did this to me it took me almost 10 years to get anywhere near over it. I am so sad right now that I just want to die. If it weren't for my children I wouldn't even be here because I know how bad it was last time. Yeah, I have other people who seem to care, but it's not like people can just substitute for each other. I hate this. I wish people wouldn't do this, to me or anyone else. I think I"d rather be physically harmed than deal with this. Yet people seem to do it so cavalierly, like it's their right or something. Mean people suck

~Kate

I'm sorry.

Do you like writing? I know you like Romanian.

Maybe writing poems in Romanian would give you some catharsis?

Writing is really cathartic.

Hi Kate. I am sorry. People can be mean. But you know what? It is better to love and being hurt than have never loved. I am always extremely afraid of opening my heart to people because I am extremely afraid of that pain you are feeling right now, but because of my fear I am wasting my life. You are brave. I admire you.

I agree with Ilka that you're brave and admirable. There's nothing wrong with you, and I know what a wonderful and amazing and unique and lovely person you are.

One practical question: have you tried going to a counselor/mediator to work out issues? I am not at your stage of life yet but I've seen how helpful they can be in patching up seemingly unfixable holes in relationships.

I have written some...in Romanian, Spanish, and English. It still hurts Maybe I need to do more. The lines from the Eminescu poem in my signature mean "What is love? It is a long opportunity for pain. Because thousands of tears are not enough for it, And it still asks for more." That's been my experience. Therefore I don't really know if it's better to have loved and been hurt...is it really worth it? Is the kind of pain I'm feeling worth ANY amount of good feeling? I don't connect with people on a deep level very often (probably because of AS) and if it ends up this way even once every decade it means I'm in pain most of the time. Life just really, *really* sucks. People suck, especially when you can't read them and can't predict when they're going to stick the proverbial knife in your gut.

~Kate

Thanks for your support...yes, I did see a counselor last year right after this happened, but I can't afford to go back to her right now, unfortunately

~Kate

I know what you mean about wondering if the pain is worth it. I guess it comes down to there only being the present, and if the present is painful and we are without who and what we want in the present we are in pain and it seems not worth it.

There will be lots of other "presents" in the future though that do not necessarily have to contain this pain.

Sorry to hear you can't afford to go back to the counselor. I was specifically thinking a couples counselor might help, not that I have personal experience with one but people I know do.

(I know what I said sounds trite and I do understand how much pain you are in.)

I understand that when you get to be an adult and you are not a four-year-old anymore who can go to her mommy for a hug and be sung a song and loved unconditionally it is hard to take. Because the people we look to provide us unconditional love as adults often can't do that because romantic love is a fragile weird thing that gets in its own way. There's a song on the soundtrack of Before Sunrise/Before Sunset that goes, "love me like a mother would, like I've always known somebody should" and that about sums up my feeling on that, my want for that, probably yours too and everybody's.

Oh... also... I am obsessed with Lady Gaga and especially this line from her song Judas...
"I learned love is like a brick you can
Build a house or sink a dead body"

I don't know. You tell me.
If your pain were a tradeable commodity I would barter for it. Misery is arguably an artist's most valuable resource. (Why else do you think the blues is so ubiquitous and enduring? Why else do you think they would invent a hue as mysterious as Prussian blue?)

Let me ask you something? Has your counselor ever suffered doubt so oppressive they see a black sky on a cloudless sunny noon, or had to craft a makeshift compass from household appliances just to navigate their way toward the light at the end of a tunnel, or spat retaliatory acidic sorrow back in the faces of her enemies? (to be fair, neither have I) If I were in your shoes I would seek the counsel & critique of poets & lyricists: the ones who eat, breath, and sleep the toxic emotions would kill mere mortals like me. They know what the f**k they're dealing with.

Would you please share some of your poetry with us?

You sound like a strong person to go through that and still do what you like to do.

Who was it that said, "True love hurts. False love kills." ?

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I kinda like the Lady Gaga quote

If I get the guts I may post some of the poems I've written...*shy* For now I'll see if this will post...this is a translation of a Romanian song about "Endless Pain" I made the video a few months ago:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlKXa5IBW7M&feature=channel_video_title[/youtube]

~Kate

Mean people do suck. And hard.

People suck, life sucks, still there are few good things and good people worth living.

*hugs*

Thanks for everyone's support. I appreciate it, especially yesterday. This kind of experience makes me want to never let anyone get close to me again because it just hurts too bad. But then I wonder what life would be like if I really did that and lived the rest of my life keeping everyone away. I don't know how this is going to resolve yet.

~Kate

Love hurts, but it is also the greatest and sweetest thing. You have to pay with pain for a chance of touching the sky. Life is a b***h, but it is also great.