Why am I such a butthole?

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For just about the whole month of July I've been extremely irritable and aggravated. Much more so than usual. It's really starting to bother me, because I don't want to be that guy. The people in my life have done nothing bad to me. I should be treating them with respect. Yet every time I come in contact with anyone, my blood starts to boil and I just want to get away. It is most illogical, I do not understand why I'm behaving like this.

I'm thinking this could be deeply related to AS. Oh, look, what am I doing here blaming all my problems on AS? I should be able to control myself. I've been an a**hole, a real and genuine a**hole. But maybe this really is related to AS. Allow me to explain. Usually the house is a nice and comfortable place. Very few things ever change. That is, with the exception of this past month.

The first week of July I was extremely sick (physically) due to anxiety. I suspect that this was because my cousin came up from Florida to visit me, my mom, and my sister that second week. Even though he is basically the only true friend I have, I guess the thought of having my personal space invaded was just too much. The first day he was here everything was fine. After a while I started to get a little bit more irritated. Then my dad came back from Afghanistan, and things went from chaotic to extremely chaotic. But eventually that week was over, my cousin left, and I thought I could finally rest.

That next week my dad planned a vacation for us. So, alright, there goes all my plans for relaxation. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, I love being at the beach, but it just wasn't what I wanted. Alright then, so what do I want? Well, if it was up to me, I'd probably just sit here at my computer all day. That's unhealthy, I shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't want that. I should have been happy to spend a few days out at the beach with my dad. It's not like I had seen him in a year, so I should enjoy spending time with him. But I didn't. Why do I have to be like this? The more I think about it the more frustrated I become with myself.

That week also came and went. Alright, so now, everything should be going back to normal. I can get into a routine, I should be adjusted to having two parents bitching at me once again. Well, guess what? Hell no. The house is so much louder with my dad around. From the time I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed, unless I'm up here in my room, there's always some shenanigans going on. So I stay in my room as much as I can. I find out that the Black Prophecy servers have gone live here in North America, so I start playing that. Then my dad comes in my room wanting to play some other game with me. Well that's just what I needed.

So basically, I find a new special interest to obsess over, and that's all I want to do. But my dad wants to spend time with me. What the hell am I to do? It's not that I don't want to spend time with him, I just would rather be by myself. Not only is all this crap going on, but then he decides that we need to go out more. Basically, what he thinks is this: let's go watch a movie at the theater and then we can all go out to eat. And then, we'll get back and work on adding a piece of wood to the dinner table so that so-and-so squadmate can come over and eat with us one day. And then we can go test drive trucks, because the one I have now doesn't have enough horsepower. I just want to be left alone to play a fricking game, dang it!

Not to mention, I still have my own stuff to take care of. I need to go to the DMV to get my full drivers license in a few days. I'm also going to need to go car shopping because I need a method of transportation to the community college (I'll be doing dual enrollment). And then I have to do all sorts of things to get ready for school, like registration (for college), schedule changes (for the high school), and of course, school supply shopping. I'm also going to need to get another haircut and go shopping for shoes.

So, yeah, I've been busy. I haven't had a whole lot of time to myself. But why is this making me be an a**hole? When I went to school I was never like this. Perhaps that's because in school there's structure. I knew how my day was going to be. When school is out, I know I can expect to talk to my mom about how our days have been. I can expect how much homework I'll have. I know for sure that I'll have time to myself, and I'll know exactly when and how much. This past month hasn't been anything like that. My dad could walk in my room at any time and say, "let's do something."

And it's not that I don't want to do something. My dad is a nice guy. He has worked hard in the past few years, and he only wants to have fun. Yet all I can think is "GTFO of my room and leave me alone." Maybe I really am a selfish a**hole and I'm using AS as an excuse. Or maybe I really am much more severe than I think, and I really can't handle this stuff as well as I say that I can. But the fact that I hate myself for this should say something that points towards the latter. I look at the way my NT mom and sister all all happy and hospitable, and why am I not like that? Why can't I be happy like that too? I want to be just as much as I want to be left alone.

But the extent to my assholitity hasn't stopped there. Remember that cousin I was talking about? I've been ignoring him on AIM just so that I can have time to myself. It's like I'm turning into this antisocial computer addict guy. Like I said, that isn't the guy that I want to be. What the hell is wrong with me?

Nothing. I'm not a deformed NT; I'm a normal aspie. I suppose that's why I'm writing this. I usually come to WP because I can relate so well to what I read here. Hopefully this is also the case. I'm sure someone here knows what I'm going through, because I sure don't understand any of this stuff. Usually whenever I get frustrated I can just go on flight simulator, put on some relaxing music, and all my problems are solved. Maybe that's what I need. Oh yeah, I might not be able to do that... *facepalm*. Maybe sometime after the old farts go to bed I'll be able to do that. Should be very soon.

Yes, I can relate, in my way to all of it, including the feelings of being selfish and the hating oneself for being selfish, the self analysis, the conclusions that you must be a bad person. I am told that when I was young, and my mother came back from hospital after a miscarriage, my brother ran to hug her and I simply came in and said, 'Oh, you're back are you?'. I couldn't remember that, but it does make me feel deficient and defective and cold.

Is there any way you could sort of sensitively let your parents/dad know you need a bit more time to yourself at the moment as you are feeling overwhelmed?

I'd post more, but it is gone 5am here and I am tired.

I find this "ass hole" label of yours obsurd, sorry. Doing horrible and stupid things to people makes you an ass hole. Not experianceing feelings you can't help. If I dealt with a relative trying to control every minute of my breathing practicly, I'd be pretty stressed to.

Thanks. I suppose it's possible, but I don't know how. I mean, how can I say "I really don't want to be around you right now" in a nice way? Especially when I'm frustrated? It's going to take some careful word choice. Maybe if I were to just write a note on my door and leave it there. That might yield better results.



You're right. I haven't done anything truly horrible, I've just been kinda ungrateful. It's a wonder anyone even wants to spend time with someone as crabby as I've been in the past few weeks. My parents always complain about the rest of their families being rude and inconsiderate, and then when I look at myself from a third person perspective I'm exactly the same way. I really wish I never made that connection.

If only your mind didn't that that, yeah?

Well, I managed to take my mind off of it for a few hours and I'm feeling much better now. I forget what it's like to be able to think clearly. Of course I'm going to be irritable like that when I can't think clearly like I can now.