Why do I always make things worse?

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Currently been having a lot of arguments with my husband about our relationship. Yes I know I hurt him and he feels neglect. I can't help the thoughts in my head. Pretty much he thinks I am a heartless, soulless person and I actually believe. I have a bad habit with living with that criticism and just make myself that way. Its hard for me to try anything which is what he wants because I just have initial criticism that he will think I will do it out of pity. That includes with normal things couples do, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, hugging, and intimacy. I keep saying he would so much happier if I was normal and he keeps saying it wouldn't. I always think he is lying but he never thinks that is how my head runs. Everything I touch breaks and he frickin hates me There is nothing I can do to make our relationship better.

Your relationship can't get better until you accept what you can't change and work on what you can. You can only work on yourself. You can't change him. You're going to have to accept him just the way he is and change how you think. Learn to appreciate what makes you unique and nurture it.

#1 - As long as you believe the lie that you can't control the thoughts in your head, you never will. I don't know what advice to give to someone who isn't a Christian (forgive me for assuming you're not). I remember what my life was like without God and living by the Bible. It wasn't going well at all. My life isn't without it's challenges now, but it's nothing like the path of disaster I once was stuck on.

Sounds like he is really taking to heart what you are saying and doing. He probably wished he could help but really you probably could care less if you help that is just how you react is my guess.

You sound mired in negativity. About yourself, and about your relationship. It seems like a vicious circle you're in. Whatever good things he says you disbelieve, but you believe any bad things he says.

It sounds to me like your self esteem is generally very low. Have you ever talked to anyone about these feelings you have? It feels like you might benefit from counselling or something similar? Just a chance to discuss how you feel, and work through your emotions?

Plus couple counselling might help? It seems like you are internalising a lot of pain, and maybe talking about it with someone will help you to start to understand why you feel the way you do, and help him to understand the impact on you his words have. Plus it would give him the opportunity to share his thoughts with you.

Either way, communication is the only way to deal with this. Finding some way to open up to each other again. Good luck.

First of all, this crap:

has to stop! How wretched to accuse someone you love of being such a thing. He needs more compassion when he approaches you or else he is nothing more than what he accuses you.

Next:
The both of you need a marriage counselor so you can both address your feelings and thoughts to a neutral party and have these feelings and thoughts accepted at face value.

Also:
Invest in marriage counseling materials concerning communication. The mirror technique is very effective: One spouse repeats back what the other spouse has said to confirm understanding. This allows opportunity for clarification and injects a substantial amount of patience into the situation. There's tons of other techniques to learn that will improve communication and slow things down a bit so discussions don't get so far out of hand. We want to avoid overdramatic emotive counter-productive love killing accusations like the one above. I've found The Love Languages to be an effective tool. It addresses the different ways that people communicate and understand love. By treating love as something you do, instead of something you feel, it becomes easier to love your spouse.

Finally:
These things will only work if both of you are committed to them working. If neither of you is committed to making your relationship better, it will never improve. I'm not convinced he's not caught in a blame game where he's comfortable insulting you for everything that doesn't go swell in his life. I also see a tremendous amount of depression and lack of self-worth on your part. Do you not like touching and hugging? Be strong in that. You have your limitations and he must accept them. If his Love Language is "affectionate touch", which means he communicates and feels love from hugging and holding hands, then you will have to make an effort. He will also have to make an effort to understand that you communicate and understand love differently from him.

PS:
A normal relationship cannot be defined by hugging, touching, compliments or sex. Marriages are made of individuals who all have their own unique compatibility. A normal relationship is one where both spouses seek to comfort, love and serve each other. By holding you to an unrealistic expectation that violates your comfort, he is not normal. Both of you need help.

Ok before this goes mad like another thread that recently was locked on here by another couple I need to clear some things up. I am Hotura's husband, and this does not need to get nasty.

First off wefunction I do not think Hotura is heartless, or soulless. This is something that she just thinks and its not true, which I have not been able to overcome. So please do not assume I am accusing her of that because I do not think it and I do tell her that its not true.

Anyways, this all started because of my success with my job and just generally being able to make friends easy. Hotura has gotten Jealous of me, and its damaged us a lot. I have told her several times that I do not require anything out of her, she doesn't have to feel like she is perfect. I am not perfect so why should I expect her to be? She really got down on herself when she was not able to find a job. After about 13 interviews she gave up on the job search and its just been down hill ever since. Its almost like shes given up on everything She thinks she is a failure just because she doesn't have a job, but I love her regardless if she does or not.

However it doesn't matter what I say to her because she has got it in her head that I don't love her and that I just want her out of my life. Which is not true at all what I think or want. I can say it and show it till I am blue in the face and she still wont believe me. I've taken her out on dates to movies and out to eat Surprised her with a spa like treatment. While she was enjoying that and relaxing I fixed dinner and lit candles around the house. Or even something just as simple as going out and walking on our local flood wall. It doesn't matter how big or small it is. It isn't changing what she thinks that I think of her. She doesn't even believe that I think she is beautiful or anything when I tell her.

Its been a blessing finding out about aspergers and it makes a lot of since for her. But I don't think any less of her just because she most likely has it. But to her it just strengthens that depression and her reasons why she thinks I would be better off without her. Now she feels like she is just a burden and that Id be better off is she was normal or with someone that is. I did say that it would be easier if she was normal but this would make us stronger and I want to help her and us as a couple. Although now I dont think that helped her even though I didn't mean it to be-little her or anything.

I don't require her to do anything, or force her to do anything. I just don't want her to feel like she is a burden or that I would be better off with someone else. I wish she could really see my heart behind all the dark clouds that are in her head. I love her with all my heart and it kills me that she thinks this. It's very hard and I pray every night that God would give me the strength and understanding to get through this. Its the most horrible feeling in the world to hear the person you love more than anyone tell you that you dont love them. To tell you that you would be better off with out them. It crushes me. It makes me feel like I am the worst husband in the world and don't know what to do. I feel like I am failing her because of all this.

This aspergers stuff is all new to me. I just got us a book that I have been reading to better understand it called aspergirls, and I have been doing a lot of reading on here and other sites. Even that scares me because a lot of aspergirls would rather not be in a relationship because of everything they deal with. IThat is the last thing I want out of this is that. I want to help her and us as a couple, and I am out of options of what to do. I just can't get through and I don't really know why she thinks that I hate her. If I ask she just blames herself when its not true

This strengthens my advice to get yourselves to a marriage counselor quickly.

While there's no AS pill, there are medications for anxiety, depression and attention deficit. While medication may benefit Hotura, counseling will benefit both of you and your marriage.

Thanks for all the advice. We are going to try to fix our relationship today. Also, I like to mention we are both each others firsts. And we are going to into our second year of marriage. Everyone tells us the first couple years of marriage is rough. I know I have issues but I have been to counselors and they just tell me I have low self esteem. I do want it to work but I don't know what to do anymore to fix. He is the only guy that asked me out and not treated it like a practical joke like boys did when I was in High School.