Struggling with suicidal thoughts

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In spite of feeling that I was quite badly verbally abused, I am missing the man I considered to be my bf.
I had some foolish hopes that all could be resolved and that it wouldn't reach a point of no return.
I am ashamed to admit that I deal very badly with this sort of thing, ending up blaming myself entirely, loathing myself, analysing, what else can I do when he seemed to blame me entirely, for being over emotional? Like, maybe it's my fault, if I had been quiet and not been so sensitive to words, he wouldnt have got as he did and called me things.

I keep thinking, what if I had just kept my mouth shut and not said anything when his words upset me?
I am missing him horribly.
I am struggling to go out, and keep having thoughts of hurting myself etc.
I don't suppose I will be brave enough to act on them
But the wish is there that I just die in my sleep.
I wish I was cold hearted and had no emotions and could just move on as he most likely has.

Give me any reason to remain here.
I don't see one.
There is no-one who would notice if I were not here, I have no internet friends, no-one here knows me, so that wont work, I have been on the net long enough to realise that people will say anything to save a life.

I must be really sad that I fall apart when a breakup occurs.
So worthless that all I deserve is someone who calls me names, to counterract the kindness he showed me.

How long ago have you broken up with him?
What you are feeling right now is grief, it's the worst of all emotions.
And it's OK that you loved him in spite of the verbal abuse.
I was with a girl who insulted me all the time
and was mean and manipulative, and I felt real
bad when we broke up, for at least a year.
I still cry sometimes and it has been almost 5 years now.
I really can't tell you what you have to live for,
I don't want to tell you any kind of BS.
You must have some will to live if you posted here.
Are you afraid of those suicidal ideations?
I know that when I have them, they scare me,
I don't want to die, I just want the hurt to stop.
Like you said, it would be easier to not feel anything.
Or so you think. Being emotionally numb is its own hell.

You really have no one in your life? No parents, no siblings, no uncles or cousins,
really no one who knows you and would grieve for you if you were gone?

Also, you can blame yourself, you can blame him, you can blame the weather,
shifting blame is almost useless. Things happened, what you should ask yourself
is what's next, what can I do now.

Name one thing that you love, write it down. Find as many things as possible.
Is there anything you always wanted to do but haven't done yet?

What a great post, cornelius! Graelwyn, I sent you a PM.

THIS :)

Graelwyn: you can't blame yourself for that and it sounds like you are better off without him It's always difficult getting over someone especially when you're dealing with isolation.

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. I could use a friend too!

And this board would greatly miss you if you were to stop posting.

Hope you feel better soon!

--David

Finding reasons to live is the way that's kept me alive when I've felt suicidal. The simplest things in life can bring us joy, or contentment.

What gives you pleasure? What makes you smile? What interests you? Expose yourself to as much of these things as possible.

I learnt to allow myself to do this, to indulge myself and be kind. It's too easy to feel self recrimination, guilt and self loathing.

Treat yourself as if you are a beloved friend, or a much loved child.

Take care.

I don't even know if we are broken up or not.
After the last incident, where I sent a letter that attempted to point out the problems I felt we were having, he came round with a video gift for me that he had got me before the letter arrived. A little later, he started going on at me about the letter, saying he had shown it to the job centre, and how they had told him what I was playing at etc, making it sound as if I somehow had some grand conspiracy against him. He went on about how I think I am so superior, looked me up and down and said I am just a body, said I am psychotic, on and on, he just didn't stop, and every effort I made to point out the truth of why I sent that letter, was talked over, or twisted around. I had no voice, I melted down and started sobbing in front of him, begging him to leave and he didn't leave until I agreed he could bring round my stuff the next evening.

I became afraid of him, actually. I ignored the doorbell the next evening when he came round, and the evening after that, I stayed out as again, I was too afraid to see him, and too upset. He has not tried to come round since. I admit, I did tell him, in the heat of the moment that I never wanted to see him again, and he said he wouldnt care if he never ever saw me again. I have said that before, and he came round as usual the night after. This is the first time I actually ignored the doorbell like that.

I do not know why he became the way he did whenever I tried to point out he had hurt my feelings with things he said, nor why a letter I thought to be balanced and fair, triggered off such a horrible rant at me. I know that the fact I self harmed when I melted down in the past, bothered him,but I am sure that is no justification for ranting at me and calling me names like 'selfish b*tch ?

I like to know the why of things, and if I am to blame, I like to accept my portion of blame and know what I did that made him react so negatively. I am finding it very difficult to not hate and blame myself entirely because he always blamed me, and never admitted any fault on his own part for saying the things he did. To him, they were the truth and therefore there was nothing wrong with saying them.

I have read of other Aspergers males who react this way, to any perceived criticism or to any request for emotional support, or understanding of emotional pain. But I cannot understand that, as even as an aspie myself, I have not treated anyone that badly. I perhaps called him an a*shole once, and a robot a couple of times early on, and would have been more than glad to listen had he told me it upset him, and would have not said those things again, because if you care for someone, you don't say things that you know will hurt them.

He is an intelligent man, and he is over fifty, so I cannot understand why he threw these rants rather than being able to sit down and just discuss it, and come up with a solution with me.

The whole thing, has left me feeling very angry, disillusioned, hurt and lost, I have no idea how you can deal with someone who invalidates almost everything you say to them. It would be easier had he not been so helpful and affectionate the rest of the time, bringing me gifts, doing things around my apt without being asked, holding me etc. If he had been unkind all of the time, this would be so much easier for me to deal with. Also, as said, I don't know whether he is just giving me space, or if he has walked away forever.

And yes, I am afraid of the suicidal ideations. It is very rare I reach a point where everything seems pointless and where I visualise doing it.
I already suffer clinical depression anyway, but have not been on medication for it in over a year now. I got tired of relying on chemicals. I would honestly love to be emotionally numb right now. And although mostly I want the hurt to stop, I am also getting periods where I genuinely don't want to be alive anymore. I don't see a future for myself at all. And no, no-one would grieve when I am gone, I imagine to my parents it would be a wonderful relief to be free of me and my problems.

With blame, if I can blame myself for some of it then I am being fair and it gives me something I can work on, or at least a reason to never try again because if it is my fault, and something in me, then all relationships will turn out like this one.

Graelwyn wrote:

Graelwyn, when someone else places blame on another person, they do it to release themselves of responsibility. Do not let this guy (not a man, a real man would not play this game with you!) do this to you. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions, not put it all on you. I feel that you are not to blame at all. You merely reacted to his accusations. You did nothing wrong. He's got some major psychological issues....even if he has Aspergers. People on the spectrum do not act like this unless there's another underlying disorder. The fact that he got upset at you for giving him a "balanced & fair" note is quite telling. He is NOT balanced or fair himself! It's far easier for some people to place blame on someone else than take responsibility for their own actions. People like this never change unless they want/have to. Usually that never happens because they see themselves as perfect & the rest of the world flawed, & 2, it works well for them...no reason to change something not broken. You can only change yourself, there's no way to fix another person.

You should not feel fear of him. You should not question your gut reactions. Those are huge red flags! He is manipulating you. Don't let him!

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Tomboy

I think you've gotten some really decent advice in your thread. Relationships imo require ownership and responsibility of your own behavior.

Being 50 and intelligent, does not make a person less emotional. A letter is an excellent way to deal with things, but fair and balanced is impossible here--because it'd always be at your view point and not his. I'm not saying its not a good method to communicate, but I think what you're going for here is something non-inflammatory, but you are listing his faults--and you want him to know that these faults such as calling you names aren't acceptable in the relationship.

I'd say also the next time you do a letter, tell the person that you'd like to read it to them personally. A letter is impersonal and a relationship is such an involving and evolving thing that if you progress to a certain point, writing letters won't be possible. Just tell the person, you NEED them to listen, you are worth respect in any any relationship. The person isn't above you, they're an equal and peer, a partner.

Also don't tell someone you don't want to see them again, unless you're really ready for that to be the case. In my honest opinion, you should be ready, you're still learning but you've done everything that you knew how in order to make this relationship better.

You're not cruel or malicious, you're kind, you're thoughtful (by your actions described him) and he's taken you for granted and is now at this point (if his rant to the letter is a one time thing) has taken advantage of that. You owe it to yourself to realize how good you are, you also owe it to yourself to find someone who is as dedicated as you are to making a relationship work and attacking you isn't the way to do that.

(Just opinion, if you don't find it applicable to the situation at all I understand)