Help - Obsessed with hurtful words

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It's been two years since my uncle said some very hurtful things to me and I have been fixated on them for so long now that it's gradually ruining my self-esteem and confidence. The wound can not heal because my obsessive thoughts about it make me relive it constantly... I think about it when I wake up and I think about it at work and when I go to sleep.

The background is this:
My dad died more than ten years ago and I found that whenever somebody would praise my dad or say something nice about him, this uncle would always interject and neutralize that praise. It started to bother me, and I told myself there's no point in bringing this issue up with him because if he started saying nice things it would then feel false. I let it go for a while....

This uncle also obsessively compared me with his son. Whenever I did well at anything, he would berate his son, and whenever his son did well at something, he would gloat over me and put me down. One day I spoke well about a special interest and dominated a discussion (unintentionally -- AS made me think he'd be impressed -- WRONG) and my uncle became so angry, shouted at his son, then left the house and crashed/dented his car on the way out. A couple of days later he boasted about something he did relating to that special interest and I just became so angry at his competitiveness I declared to his son (in front of him): "My dad was better at this special interest than your dad, and I am better at it than you". I thought nothing of it, but I since realized that this actually enraged him, and made him seek vengeance.

His son was then sent to every single event imaginable regarding this special interest, and my uncle would boast that he was younger than me and outdoing me. He never invited me, despite my clear love and passion for that special interest. He insulted my father a couple of times (I was too naive to think too much of it). The worst was when he came and told me that everybody in the special interest community loved his son, that he was very dear to them, and that he was lazier than me but was achieving so much. I played along, said I was glad, then told him I was moving abroad, and I did a couple of months later. That was that. I have ignored him since and try to forget about this uncle, but I've developed an obsession over all these events and just hate him so much. He made me feel unloved, incapable, insulted my father -- really he destroyed my happiness. How do I just put this behind me? I already moved to another continent and still it haunts me.

I just want to move on from this. I'm stuck, repeating hurtful thoughts. My latest special-interest/obsession is the hurtful words and things he did to me, and the wound just can't heal like this. Help.

Your obsession here is not a special interest. Your uncle's words just struck your core.

From what you say, your uncle sounds to be an individual with a lot of problems and I think you have to realize it's he that is in the wrong and not you, and because of his issues he will probably never be able to give you what you are really after; a sincere apology or admittance that what he said was wrong.

For him to do so would be a very big step in personal growth on his part.

You can deal with the situation one of two ways.

1. Confront him and let him really know what you think of him.
Remember you will probably get nothing out of this but the satisfaction of speaking your mind.

2. Accept that he has issues, you're a better person, and let the issue go.

Your uncle obviously has a lot of resentment over his relationship with his late brother. He will probably never resolve this issue. Your father's death only served to immortalize your uncle's jealousy over him and that has continued with his relationship with you and his son, and how he feels his son and you should relate to each other. The only thing you could have done is sought alliance and comfort with your cousin, who was probably equally confused by the whole ordeal. By neither of you cooperating with your uncle's resentful aspirations, you both stood a chance to grow up somewhat balanced and leave him as a frustrated child screaming on the outside.

There is nothing your uncle can say that can destroy your father's memory or anything that your father did in his life. He is your father and he forever has a place in your heart. Nothing can touch that. Be secure in knowing your father never played those games and never felt a need to compete with his brother. Your father was his own person. And so are you.

Thank you both for the helpful words.

I am at work right now. I was remembering the hurtful words again and locked myself in an office, switched off the lights, then sat underthedesk rocking and banging the side of my head. I feel so hurt it is as if my gut is wrenching. I went and grabbed a razor blade and cut my arm and now I feel a bit better. I just don't know how to handle all these confusing and hurtful memories and emotions. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to be happy and have peace of mind again.

I hope the best for you. I hope you resolve what you want to resolve to better yourself.

Does your cousin seem to be just as competitive as his father or does it seem like he's mostly forced into it? If he's forced, you might be able to talk to him about it and try to sort things out, at least with him.

The uncle in question is simply angry and jealous. However, his anger is actually a confirmation of your capabilities. If you were a gibbering idiot with no abilities or knowledge, he would not feel the need to put you down. The fact that you (and probably your father as well) are better than him is what makes him angry.

Yes I've considered it. He is competitive (not as much as his father) but I guess that's the inevitable outcome of being shown over-and-over again that failing to measure up with someone else will cause your father's anger and loss of love and appreciation. Recently he e-mailed me to say he's going into the same profession as me. He was nice about it and asked my advice, but I can't help feel he's treading on my toes and creating more cause for comparison and competition.

I remember that within a year or two of meeting this uncle (back in '99), I decided to cut off contact with him because of the bad vibes I was getting from him. I remember making that decision after I was playing video games with his son and kept beating him (I probably should have given him a chance as he was new to video games, but I was too young to think of that then). The next day I remember my aunt called my mom saying my uncle was trying to overdose on some meds because he was having flashbacks to the gulf war; I remember just having a gut feel that this was actually somehow related to watching his son get beat by me in the video games.

Probably the worst mistake I made was not sticking with that original decision and rekindling a relationship back in 2005.

What makes it worse is having AS makes understanding intentions/perspectives that much more difficult. My gut feel still says this man was out to hurt me deliberately and it's somehow related to his relationship with my father. It's as though he's only happy when he can look down on me. I don't know and I'm sick of thinking about it.

I think you're perfectly on the mark with his intentions. This kind of man is toxic. Stay away from him. Just don't be too harsh on your cousin. It's probably not his fault, and he doesn't deserve to be ignored because his father is a twat.

People only try to look down on other people because they are afraid that those people are better than they are themselves.