Need to rant

Post Reply New Topic

First off, I don't really expect any replies because I'm really making this post just so I can get things off of my chest and hopefully (although not likely) feel better. Secondly, I assume this section of the forum is filled with responses like "Sorry to hear" or "Things will get better" (used those merely as they are the type of insincere responses I give when somebody says they're unhappy and expect the same sort of responses here) but honestly, I'm not looking for any form of pity and I'd rather no replies than such a reply (although perhaps this is subconsciously self pity and I'm not really aware that it is).
Anyway, I am just incredibly ****ed off at the moment and am feeling extremely low. There just seems to be so many little things that aren't right or are annoying me combined with a few large things that is making me feel so angry and annoyed. I guess I'll state each thing in a paragraph so I know what I've said.

The first problem is, to me, a large one. I am going into fifth year in secondary school (I don't know what the equivalent is in the American education system) and I had to choose subjects that I wanted to do (I got four choices from a list of twenty one). The idiotic career guidance counsellor met with everybody in the year. I filled out a large sheet like everybody else in third year (which I was in last year) and the results of the sheet were that I would probably enjoy a career in medicine the most, followed by engineering and then business. The reason for this sheet was to help advise you what subjects to pick. And just so I make it clear, French HAD to be picked. I absolutely detest it but a third language is necessary for universities here so really I only had a choice of three subjects out of nineteen (as two f the choices were French and German) He, after shoving the phrase "This is a very important decision" down my throat, advised me to do Biology, Chemistry and Physics. Biology and Physics I really enjoy but Chemistry is both my poorest of the three and my least favourite. My Dad is an Accountant lecturer in my city's Institue of Technology. He was pushing me towards business subjects (obviously) but my mother, who works in the Research and Development department in Teva, a pharmaceutical company, was pushing me towards sciences but told me not to do three of them. All the while nobody asked me what I want while everybody was telling me what to do and I thought that three sciences would cover the most amount of career choices and would be the most useful. However, after a week of deciding I rang the school and asked them to change Chemistry for Design and Communication Graphics (a not very useful subject but my favourite by far) but the damn class is full and now, with only about ten days left till school, I don't know if I'll even be able to do it and I think I'll breakdown if I end up having to do Chemistry for two years.

The second quite big problem is my complete lack of interest in anything. I literally feel no joy or happiness from anything I do anymore. I have a few friends that I will talk to over the Internet but I never meet them outside school and find myself uncomfortable even at the thought of it. Computer games are something I use to love (and I still play them for the majority of my time) but now it feels as if I play them only to pass time and I neither like nor dislike them even though I wish I did enjoy them as I used to. I hate being with my family (and as my dad is a lecturer he is at home throughout the summer) as they are constantly controlling, changing their rules and they never punish one of my brothers (the one who is four years younger than me but three years older than my youngest brother) even though he causes the vast majority of arguments with everyone in the house and whenever I respond in anyway (violence usually which I understand should be punished but even when I try a diplomatic approach I am screamed at and shouted at). Breaking Bad is basically the only thing I look forward to throughout the whole week.

Third I am incredibly afraid of going back to school on the 31st of August. As I'm in fifth year I am just starting the Leaving certificate cycle and as a result I will be put into a new class, most likely with new teachers (I may have one or two the same) and a new schedule. I absolutely hated starting secondary school for pretty much the same reasons and that was worse that I thought it would be and this time I'm even less confident and I struggle to make friends more than I did then so that adds to the stress too. I did not like my old class much but I would much rather be with them again than being in a completely new one with people I quite likely won't know. Not only that but I can barely cope with the large amount of work that I know will be given and I don't think I'll be able to study even a quarter as much as I know I'll need to (even for the Junior Certificate, a large state examination that all third year students complete in June, I was unable to study even an hour a day as I would become completely unengaged, bored and I would just lose concentration completely and that isn't nearly as much work as I'll need to do for the Leaving Cert).

Fourth, I have completely lost confidence in my ability to eventually get any sort of job or a relationship. I am probably just too anxious but everytime I think of going for an interview I think I would end up making a mess of it completely or alternatively I'll give my CV (which would be almost barren since I just cant bring myself to do any extracurricular activities) and the diagnosis of Asperger's (which I only presume I would have to mention) will make the employer hire a normal person who would be easier to train. Or I can imagine actually being in the job and I would make a mistake and I would be shouted at and I would completely over-react and end up getting fired. As well as that I have no idea if Engineering (either Electronic or Structural) or Architecture would be suited to somebody with Asperger's and I fear that I'll get a degree in one of them and finding out it does not suit me at all and I cannot cope with it. For relationships I can't help but think that it would be better if somebody who I cared about was not with me as I know with absolute certainty that I would just be too unstable, too volatile and that I would end up ruining it in a fit of absolute rage or by burdening them with my problems and negativity. Not only that but I would just be completely unwilling to break anything I believe in for them (meaning I would never get married in a church, agree with Christening a child, visiting my family because I haven't seen them in awhile, going to Mass or lying to make them feel better) which would no doubt be extremely problematic and I fear that if I have a child they too would end up with some form of autism which could result in them being unhappy.

Fifth (this is the beginning of a few small issues) I cannot ever make a conversation last. I am friends with somebody in that I like to talk to her but we only share a few of the same interests. I simply cannot fake an interest in something I'm not and make it believable and that results in the conversation simply dying after the few things we share an interest in are discussed as she manages to have conversations that last all day with another friend of mine even though we share a lot of the same interests (except my love of numerous Television shows as he doesn't really like many shows on TV or on boxset) and I envy the ability to do that as more and more I'm being called out on it by either friends, family members or teachers (well, I was being called out on it by teachers, I am on my summer holidays so that's not possible for another ten days or so).

Sixth, I never, ever know how to respond to a joke, ever. Most times I laugh and that is fine but sometimes (one of my uncles in particular does this) teachers or friends say a joke in jest and I am just absolutely clueless (for example, I don't like being on holidays in Spain but I have to go to my family's apartment, with my family, every year in July for the whole month. During this month a few of my relatives come out and they know I dislike it. When I was in my uncle's rented car as he drove my family to the airport he said [in what I thought was a light-hearted voice] "I bet you just wish you were staying out here for longer". I pretended to laugh (which is quite convincing) but he was waiting for me to reply with something and I had no idea if he wanted a joking response, a serious response or what and I was annoyed for the rest of the day as he made three or four of those jokes in the car and I never knew what to say and made a fool of myself trying to respond). The same can also be said for when local slang terms are used such as "What's the craic?" (craic being the Irish word for fun) which for a handful of people is how they greet others. The problem is that most who use it expect a reply and I don't know what to say and that really annoys me when they say it to me if they see me again even though it is clear I am in mild distress when they asked me the first time.

Sevength, my new laptop has a stuck pixel (that's red) near the bottom left hand corner of the screen (when you're facing it) and I'm going to have to go in and get it replaced and I'll undoubtedly make a fool of myself trying to explain why such a tiny red dot is so infuriating to me.

Eight, I constantly am bored all the time. Everyday it seems like I'm just waiting for the day to end and not doing anything else.

Ninth everything I do, my parents make a big deal out of it and that ends up discouraging me from doing it. If ask to go swimming they keep on talking about how much I go for example (which is the reason I stopped going even though I used to enjoy it when I went about three or four years ago) even though they know I hate having attention and it's made me become paranoid that everytime somebody comes over all they are talking about is me or my brothers and not something that actually involves them.

Tenth, I have no idea whether I am straight, gay or bisexual. Yes, I know many people say it's best not to label yourself and that's all well and good for them but for me, I need to know and that is a neccessity. The advice I've been given (mainly from people on another forum) was simply to look at porn and see what turns me on but the problem is I have no idea why I am getting aroused at certain images/videos. For example, am I getting arroused by the idea of sleeping with a man or because I'm imagining being the man in that situation? Am I actually attracted to the woman or am I thinking of the man having sex with her? I know nobody can solve this and there is no way anybody can say for sure but I am just incredibly frustrated as I've no idea if I want to sleep with a woman simply because I'm told it's what I should do or if I am actually attracted to a woman.

Eleventh, I constantly get very vivid memories of a few mistakes I've made. Once I remember it the memory keeps on playing over and over in my head. I have no idea why and I can't stop it and when it happens I feel terrible.

Twelfth, and this is the one which just was the tipping point and filled me with this combination of absolute, pure rage and an incredible amount of unhappiness, I previously mentioned I love Breaking Bad. That is true. My mother and father also like it however and they make it very clear that I am to wait for them to watch it (there is a notification in the item properties that says how many times it was played so I cannot get around it). Usually it is watched every Monday night at eight, nine or ten (when it's finished, legally, downloading and is copied onto the Playstation 3 in the sitting room). The last two episodes on were fine, watched on schedule as usual, however the most recent episode (called Shotgun) could not be watched on Monday as my dad was at a meeting. My mother said it would be watched on Wednesday or Thursday as she was going out on Tuesday. So, yesterday I expected to watch the episode which has already been pushed back two nights but my mother just decided she didn't want to. Three nights! I thought, it would be tonight, for definite, there is no way it would be delayed yet again, yet, here I am making this post. Delayed once more! At this rate, I have no idea if either of them actualy like the show at all or if they are just watching it with me so I don't "feel bad" watching it alone (even though that's how I want to watch it). This is the only f***ing thing in the bloody week I actually care about they neither of them seemingly give a flying **** and they won't even let me watch it on my own! And they dare have the cheek to tell me how I am so incredibly selfish and I am the one who doesn't care about other people even remotely. And now the whole episode will no doubt be absolutely ruined (which makes it worse when I have been told by a friend that it's the best this season) since probably I'll be so filled with fury that I just won't be able to enjoy it at all! At this rate, I might not even get to watch the damned episode at all! On it's own it probably wouldn't have been too much of a big deal (although it still would have been a big deal, it just wouldn't have been as big a deal as it is) but there's only so much crap I can stomach and keep in before I completely lose my temper.

Anyway, sorry for posting this here I just have nobody else to talk to at all or no other place to let everything out (without smashing my first into the nearest wall). I have no doubt that in six or seven days I'll have calmed down and won't feel three-quarters as bad but I still just can't keep everything in. And sorry for the very long post.