Need help - suicidal ideation

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I don't think I'm depressed, just stressed - and suicide is a quick way to end that stress; this is what my brain does when I'm stressed: shows me an escape plan.

And the visions I am having right now of how to complete it look ever so tempting, and I seem to fixating on them; like I think that it's actually a good idea. That I should just go ahead and do it; get it over with because I know that in the end the way that I will die will be by taking my own life so why not do it now, rather than in however many days/weeks/months/years time.

I can't remove the source of the stress for another few days and am pretty worried right now about whether I'll make it that long. I can't seek medical help at the moment due to being overseas on holiday - I don't think my travel insurance would cover it and I can't afford to pay out of pocket...

Help?!?

Before you do such a thing go read the suicide grief forums to understand just what kind of impact doing so would have on the people that love you. It is very tragic how it tears whole families apart and more. http://www.suicidegrief.com/
I can't think of a more selfish thing someone could do.

I know suicide can seem like a tempting way to end your problems.. I almost did it a few times.. AND I'm glad I didn't. Stress is one of those things that is subjective. Two people can have the same thing happen to them and one will be calm and happy but the other will freak out. If you can't get rid of the stress directly attack it indirectly by doing positive things you can do. Good luck - don't give up!

One of the things I have learned from being suicidal is that there is a natural balance to life. You can't have the good without the bad. At some time in the past have you been extremely happy or non-stressed? That is the mental comparison your mind is making for this stressful time. If you can just manage to take your mind off your problems when you don't have to think about it, you can pull through this. Reading a book or watching the comedy channel I have found really helps. Something that requires your concentration. In the end it will help you when you do have to return to focusing on your situation.

Yin/Yang, Balance in all things. If you can make your life more pleasant than it is bad, then you are doing alright. Just trudge through the bad times with a smile and pleasant thoughts, the good times will come.

You're stressed while on holliday? Where? Can you find a natural trail or a quiet park to go walk & relax at - take the edge off your nerves? Maybe a fine art museum or a library?

I'm not familiar with travel insurance, but if you're on a holiday where it sounds like something has gone horribly wrong it seems like they should help.

Unless you have a very bad travel companion? Or your holiday involved a visit to some lousy relatives?

If it's that bad is there no conventional "escape"? Just end the holiday and go home?

Yes I realise how nuts that sounds.

Let's just say I think its a case of having over-estimated the capacity of my coping skills. I live with a permanently high level of stress (according to my psych because of living in a world not designed for people like me), but thought I had good enough coping skills to deal with this holiday which is something somewhere I really wanted to do. It turns out, however, that I don't and the result is a level of stress that my mind clearly is struggling to cope with.



I wish my brain did not deal with stress by turning to thoughts of permanent escape (because at heart I don't feel suicidal - I'm not depressed), but it does and it shows me pictures of doing it so clear and simple that it looks a very tempting way to end the stress. It is torture to live with this. I am concerned that I just might lose the impulse control which right now is the only thing that has stopped me from doing it. It really is as simple as that - it feels like if I take my mind off watching my thoughts for a second then that control could be lost and then ...

Yet watching my thoughts all the time also clearly makes these thoughts come more strongly.



Would love to just end the holiday and go home, but I cannot afford the cost to change the flight.

Travel insurance is unlikely to cover it due to it being a "mental health" problem and I think that is excluded from the cover in my case due to my history.

Just got to make it through the next few days.

Can you get to a phone? Suicide Prevention Hotlines provide free phone counseling.

To solve a problem you must trace it down to its root..and attack those roots.

Stress is the issue. What causes that stress? Knowing yourself, what can you do to take care of it (besides the easy way out you mention of course!)? Can it be turned into something good for you?

Personally I find that when I'm very stressed about something I cannot control I try to find something new I'd enjoy. Last time I looked up the local theatres and found a medieval music group that was playing ...and I went there. I hardly listen to music (any kind) at home or anywhere but going there and feeling the music in the place was amazingly relaxing.

You're on holiday so... what can you do where you are?

Hi folks,

Just to let you know that found some help to reduce the stress and am now feeling much better (for today anyway).

Thanks to those who took the time to read and post on this thread, and to WrongPlanet for giving me a place to write stuff like this. I'm sure just writing it helped a little also.

YB

That doesn't sound nuts—just a little unusual, but I've felt that way before too.
I used to get stressed out on just Boy Scout camping vacations.

Oh good! Glad to hear you're feeling better. Write back again if anything changes.

I'm glad you found the way to relieve stress, Yellow Banana, and hope you will be OK until you get home.

Your explanation of how you get suicidal thoughts is very helpful to me because my 14 year old son, Mars, talks of suicide when he is stressed too. And he is a happy person who gets stressed sometimes but not depressed.

Do you have any advice you might want to offer him?

OP-- it sounds like you have been getting help for this, but beware! Suicide ideation almost always leads to suicidal thoughts, even if it's years down the road. It festers in you for a really long time, and it seems harmless, but it isn't. It means you're depressed and need to work on your depression.

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You say you are not depressed...but these images keep coming to you.

It sounds in a way like OCD.

I have OCD as well as ASD and I would have horrible thoughts of hurting myself, someone else, or something totally horrible was going to happen to me. I did not want these thoughts, but they just pop in my head without me seeking them.
They are called intrusive thoughts. There are different kinds of OCD...the kind I have is called pure obessional or pure O which has powerful intrusive thoughts, but little or no compulsions.

I was deeply suicidal once because of OCD...I didn't want to die...I just wanted the intrusive thoughts to stop.
Well guess what? I discovered that they have medication for that, I take zoloft...which helps with both anxiety and OCD as well as depression. It really helps keep me sane and functional.
Paxil did not work.
Prozac which is used for OCD now days...works ok, but has a very short half life and when it wears off the intrusive thoughts hit like a semi truck out of the blue.
There are other drugs for OCD.
They also have behavioral therapy for OCD too. The best treatment is a combo of both, drugs and behavioral therapy.

Anyway...till you can get to a doctor to see if that is what you have...cause I am not a doctor, just you sound alot like me 10 years ago. ...but in the meantime, you need to distract yourself. Distraction is the key with obessions like that.

But please dont kill yourself. It really hurts those who love you...they are often filled with intense guilt and grief they cant get over.
My mom tried to kill herself last week...I am still fighting the intense guilt. I was really messed up bad mentally after she did that. Luckily, she did not know how to cut herself fatally...and she clotted, but not after making a real bloody mess all over the house that I had to clean up.
Even though she drives me nuts, I love her and would miss her terribly.

Anyway look into pure obessional OCD and see if that sounds like you.

Jojo