I am smothered---too much going on

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Just as my topic implies---I am smothered and there is too much going on.

First, my schedule:
Monday thru Friday get up shortly after 5 AM to get ready for school (wife and I get 2 kids ready and I teach).
Monday thru Friday I teach school and am at work from shortly after 7 AM until about 3 PM.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday my oldest son has band practice from 6-8 PM---need to drive back to school (20 minutes).
Wednesday my youngest son has piano lessons from 6-6:30 PM 30 minutes away.
Friday we have to go to the football games in the evening to see our son in the band.
Sunday I play the church organ and get to church around 7:30 AM to get things set up---home at 11:15 AM.
Sunday evening from 7:30-9 PM my oldest son has youth group 30 minutes away.

All of this running cost 80$ in gas a week.

The only day free of anything is Saturday.

Now, why I am smothered. I can't get any time to my self---I need that.

Last week I was planning on getting this much needed time to myself. My wife's family had a family reunion this past Saturday and I planned on staying home since my wife would take the kids there. And since my back has started giving me problems, it was a legitimate excuse to stay home by myself. But---she decided to stay home to be with me since I wasn't feeling well. So---no time to myself. Then Today (Sunday) I thought that I would leave church after the offertory as I sometimes do (the pianist covers the ending of the service for me when I leave early---because I often go to my wife's church service) and go home to be alone. But since our pianist was absent, I had to stay until the end and get home the same time that my wife does. Then I thought that I would stay home and let my wife take our oldest son to his youth group meeting (and I would let our youngest son spend the evening at my parents' house), but she wanted to go out to dinner with me at a Japanese restaurant while he was at the meeting. I give up. This is now a typical pattern in my life---I can't get anytime to myself. Usually during the summer (during summer vacation from school) I let my parents watch our youngest son who like me has Asperger's, and the oldest son can stay home. But, my parents often go to Walmart and stuff and don't seem to watch the youngest son as well as he needs to be watched---he wanders and they can lose track of him. So, I had one day to myself this past summer vacation.

I feel like I am in a cave that I can't escape from. I love my family dearly. But I have to have private time. I need it. I get smothered in all the stuff going on around me. I feel like I am getting really close to a mental breakdown.

My new teaching position requires me to stand most of the time (Title reading where I must move from student desk to student desk most of the time). I have a bad back. The extended standing has caused my back to go out. And I have been placed on middle school lunch duty during my prep period. I don't get the same amount of prep time as the other teachers because I have to eat my own lunch on what time remains of the prep period. The noise level in there is driving me nuts. All the movement everywhere is cracking me up. It's 30 minutes of physical pain from my back and mental hell. Then I got placed on two 4th grade restroom duties that are 500 feet from the room (one way) I am assigned to. That is 190 steps thru busy hall traffic. Then I have to backtrack 500 feet back to the same room after class has started. I seriously can't see how I can get thru this lifestyle. Everyday feels like I have had to climb Mount Everest. And as soon as I get down from the mountain, it starts all over again. I can't relax anymore without thinking about what all I have to do.

The only solace I have is that I have an Airstream camper that I plan to use as my private retreat (to work on my writings). I am searching for a comfy foam lounger type chair where I can work on my laptop for my writing in the Airstream. It is a cozy 26 foot long camper that I bought in 2004. And you know what, I have never spent a night in it in all 7 of the years that I have had it. Just days after I bought it in 2004 I had to go for back surgery. Then I threw a blood clot from the surgery and had a pulmonary embolism---so camping out in my Airstream left my picture.

Gee---what a rant. But I had to unload this. It feels better to get it out. But folks, I am smothering. I wish I didn't have to work and be able to stay home as a house husband and work full time on my writing projects. So---being a teacher I can always take a sick day or personal day from time to time can't I? Well, it's not that easy. Both of our kids go to the school where I teach that is 20 minutes from where we live. And guess what? Since my wife has to be leave the house at 6 AM---if I get sick, I have to get the kids to school and pick them up since she works later than school dismissal time. So to take a day off backfires in a way because I can't sleep in even if I am sick.

Again, I love my family dearly. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But all I am saying is that I am in desperate need of some time to my self---private time where I am not hearing televisions, rattling dishes, and other family noises.

Thank you for listening to me. And I usually feel compelled to proofread everything I write here at the Wrongplanet---but I am too stressed to do that. If I have mistakes in this writing, then I have mistakes---I am human.

glider18

I have to get to bed---I just noticed it's after midnight. So if anyone posts a comment I appreciate it, but I won't be able to read it until tomorrow evening---I like to respond to those who respond to me. Thank you again for your care here.

I think you need to talk to your wife about this because wives have a need to know when their husbands need things and it might eventually cause relationship problems if you don't. She might be able to help you figure something out.

Instead of going home on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, can you stay at school or go do something by yourself nearby and then take your son home after his band practice?

Can your son have piano lessons at home or closer to the house so you don't have to drive him?

Do you have to attend everyone one of the football games or play the organ at your church?

Also, the school should be able to make some accommodations for you due to your back.

I see a lot of feasible ways to improve your situation. It just takes some communicating with your wife, the school and logistics.

But in trying to make some alone time for yourself, also let your wife know that you want to make some time just for the two of you as well, so she doesn't feel like her needs are being ignored.

It should go something like "Honey, we need to have a talk. This schedule is very overwhelming for me. I really need to have some scheduled time to myself, and some scheduled time for us too. I have some ideas and I think we should talk them over together."

Wives generally love when husbands want to work out a problem as a team.

Did you mention what happens on Saturdays?

Also could you possibly step back a bit from your role in church?

Otherwise Chronos has said most of the other ideas I had.

In response to questions and suggestions:

About staying after school rather than go home---I have a younger son that needs to be taken home after school, so I can't stay at school.

The lady that gives the piano lessons is like the only reputable piano teacher in our local vicinity. She is 80+ years old so you have to go to her. And she keeps a booked schedule at her house for students.

The band halftime shows at the football games means the world to our son. He has finally found his niche in school. It has taken him 9 years to find it. So I feel obligated to see him. The guilt of not attending all of his games would outweigh my current problems.

About church organ---although church also ties up time, it at least brings me comfort. I love playing the organ. I enjoy church because it brings me closer to my faith. But still, it does add to my closed in schedule. But I don't want to give it up any. As for stepping back---the early church service has been abandoned now, so I only have to worry about the late morning service---that is a help there.

Yes, I feel the school should make adjustments for me on my back. I have to stand too much. I am planning on going through a thorough back exam to see what is going on---then I will have paper work to hopefully help me there.

I have just begun setting up my own private "writer's studio" in my Airstream. I am actually planning on working out there in an hour or so after it cools off in there.

As for Saturdays---that is the only day that is usually free. And since it's the only day free for all of us, for one to go out on their own appears to be abandoning the family ship so to speak---or at least that's how I think others here at home feel.

In looking over this situation, I have probably caused a lot of it to happen. I believe my true problem is lying at work. It's a new job for me and I cannot get used to it. I don't feel like I am fitting in although I am doing my job well. But the lunch duty is really getting to me severely. I truly feel like if I did not have lunch duty I would be alright now. I think it is the thing that has caused me to feel like all this other stuff is overwhelming. The noise level is terrible and the movement everywhere is terrible. I can't watch in all the areas we are supposed to at once. I tend to only be able to zone in on one small area.

Thank you both for your help here. Just unloading this and having someone to listen to it helps. I still feel very smothered, but hopefully I will get through it.

I am sorry to read that you are finding things difficult at the moment. That is the thing about AS, it is hard once certain limitations of being in the world present themselves.

Many decisions need to be made, I know of other people who have found themselves in these sorts of situations too. I myself am in a situation where I have no idea how to structure my life in order to create the balance I want.

I hope you talk to your wife, hopefully you will be able to make some compromises. Is there any way you could find another way to do things at work? Perhaps you could call individual students to your desk and get them to bring their work and that way you could remain seated.

Re: Lunch duty, it sounds a bit unfair that you have to do it so often. I thought teachers were supposed to take turns and share it

I think you should take advantage of your Saturday's. Continue to do things with your family of course but it couldn't hurt to take an hour or two or more to yourself throughout the day. I believe your family would understand.

It sounds like this would be hard for you, but try to explain to your family that you're stressed out and need some alone time. Perhaps it doesn't have to be a weekly thing. Perhaps maybe every fortnight you take some extra time to yourself somehow. I don't know how much time you need.

You've got to find a way man or you're going to burn out.

To be honest---I just have to get use to this schedule. After it becomes routine I should be fine. I feel better today about it.

About staying after school----that wouldn't be fair to my youngest son nor me. I don't want to stay there any more than I have to. The drive to and from outweighs having to stay there any longer than I have to. When the bell rings, I head out with the other teachers.

Although it may be hard to believe---she is the only piano teacher around. The other ones have died. Her schedule is booked. And my son has made a great connection to her---they understand each other. I will not take that away from him. I live in an area where there isn't much around. Seriously---she is it.

I want to attend the band performances. I would feel awful not attending them. I enjoy seeing my son have a good time.

I have analyzed my situation carefully, and the answer is that I need to get used to it. Someday I will look back and miss these times. It's just I am having to adjust to it now. It was the same when I entered college years ago---horrible, but got used to it.

It just felt better being able to unload my feelings here. But I am not going to make any changes to this schedule because although it is rough at the moment---I am keeping this up. I am strong. When I look back at my college years, I had no days off because I was with a southern gospel quartet that traveled on weekends and practiced two nights a week. I got used to that. Thank you to all that have offered help here. Just being listened to is enough.

Hope it works out glider.

Thank you to all of you that responded here. I haven't had a lot of time to read through what you have written since my last time looking here, but have just run across it tonight. In agreeing with Leejosepho, back pain does seem to play a significant role in stressing the day (with those activities that cause the pain). I have managed to get the section of the lunch room that appears to be the best behaved as my section. That has helped---although my back still hurts, lunch duty isn't quite as stressful.