Why me?

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I've been feeling very envious of people around me lately, because they just have that social knack. My mum is a shy NT, and hates socialising, but her social skills are there when she needs them. And I just envy everybody because I can't help taking too much notice of the NT world, and I actually play a part in the NT world, but there's always that difficulty there, where I'm too ''scared'' to make conversation with people to build friendships. And you should never be too confident - I've learnt that being too confident when you're not wired to be confident is no good because you end up making a fool of yourself. I've learnt that from many mistakes. But it's just that I can't run or hide from the social world, unless I lock myself in my room for the rest of my life and not have any social contact with anybody, and that won't help me at all. Anyway, I've got no choice - I have to get a job. Can't get out of it - I'm not disabled enough and I want to work anyways.

As I was writing this, I burst into tears, and almost broke down. I just thought, ''why me? Why was I born with this horrible cruel disability? Why me? Me, me ME? How come all of my 12 cousins don't have a trait of AS and I do?'' It's so cruel for a person to suffer with this. I don't like having a blank expression on my face and being stared at by horrible judgemental people all day long. The other day someone said, ''think yourself lucky you ain't deformed'', but I might aswell be because of the way people stare at me, and I can't be doing with it. Why can't I just be born normal, like I was supposed to be? I am invested in this body and this life, and I've got no choice but to deal with it. I'm the only soul in this whole wide world who see out of these eyes, and has this horrible brain what prevents me doing all the things I want to do, which is socialise. I want to be the type who chats to anybody and has that social knack, and can be popular and liked by all. But I won't ever be. Not in a million years.

In my next life I want to come back as NT. I am not suffering another life with this miserable s**t called Autism. Knowing my luck I would probably live til I'm about 120 so that I can have forever to suffer in emotional pain.

I can say that you're not alone about having these views on society and its 'demands' from everyone to have graceful social skills.

I'm pretty much like you in how we see the world, really. So my only advice is that you can try to have interests or hobbies, to distract yourself from seeing life in such a pessimistic view.

It may seem difficult, but you could always try.

I am so sorry to hear that. I had a milder form of autism growing up, but I often felt I lacked direction in interactions. I perfectly relate to what you are saying.

Just remember that NTs aren't some form of social geniuses because they have better social skills. They can gather cues, but sometimes their interpretation of them can be dead wrong. People can be decieved. No one can tell what's going on inside the other's head, even if he thinks he knows.

There are real social geniuses out there, the ones who come pretty damn close to mind reading. Most will take the time to listen to you.

If you believe in reincarnation, then maybe that's the answer to your question "Why me?" You must have done something in a previous life for which you deserved autism in this one...

Yeah, well a relative of mine has Alzheimer's now, and I reckon it's because she might have neglected someone in her past life who was dying of Alzheimer's. Maybe it's similar to me - maybe in my past life I shunned Autistic people and severely bullied them/laughed at them for innocently walking in the street, so now I got what I desserved.

That means the control-freak peadophile who I know of will become a victim in his next life.

A psychic once told me that in my previous life, I had EVERYTHING-rich parents with a Marin County estate, good looks, intelligence, everything-and threw it all away to become a hippie in San Francisco. Then I overdosed on mind-altering drugs, and died. So now I get to have autism, and be poor and neglected. I have to take psychotropic drugs to be normal now. I get to be ugly, and have whatever intelligence I have locked away and inaccessible. You're English, right? Maybe in your past life you were a chav and beat up the disabled.

Why not you? I don't mean that to sound mean, but the "why me" thing is often self pity, AND believing that there are other people it should happen to who might deserve it more.

The world is not a fair place, life is not fair, there are many many people much much worse off than you are right now. It helps me to remember that when I find myself thinking "why me".

Or go the reincarnation route, and accept that you did some really crappy things in your past lives, and this is your opportunity to learn, whichever helps.