A very personal post.

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Usually I am extremely secretive about my personal life, but hyperlexian's thread regrading her mother's suicide got me to thinking about an eerily similar situation I went through in June of this year.

On June 13, 2011, my mother committed suicide by overdosing on morphine pills. I did not find out until a day later when I got a call from a friend that my mother used to work with. My first reaction was that of relief. I had said reaction because my mother was very abusive and my life pre-18 was a living hell.

I was abused in every way imaginable (except sexually) when I was growing up. In late 2007 to early 2008 my grades started to slip as i was more worried about staying alive as half of our utilities were disconnected. Finally in January 2008, I left her courtesy of the state.

I'm relieved that she is no longer around to cause trouble for me or my family, but I still find myself thinking about her and her death has bought back negative memories that I have tried to repress. Is this normal?

The point of all of this is that this is affecting me when I thought it would not.

Last edited by PM on 07 Dec 2011, 12:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Your feelings are normal. After an abusive childhood, it is to be expected.

Yes.

In cases of abuse; it's healthy to pick oneself up and go onward saying; What was done was not my fault and I refuse to suffer over it anymore.

But damage was done to you and from time to time you will notice the damage in how you're functioning and reacting to situations. Then it's healthy to reflect on the past and how it's continuing to affect you. To a point.

I know this because I had an abusive father who died a lonely frightening death.

Here's the deal. Abusive situations force kids to take on extraordinary coping mechanisms to survive. But as that child matures and moves out of the abusive situation; the old coping mechanisms are maladjusted to more normal life.

From time to time the vestiges of the abuse have reared it's ugly head in my life and I sought counseling which was to great benefit to me. It took an educated experienced councilor to guide me to see my maladjusted coping mechanisms and replace them with appropriate coping.

All the best to you.

My mother died five months ago.
I was severely abused as a child for my
AS. Consequently, I have spent half
my adult life trying to come to terms with
what I call, "that of my mother in me".

I have come far, healed much, forgiven
, and feel great compassion for myself
and my mother.

My mothers death brought forth such
deep grief. Not for her as a person, but
for the child within me who ached to be
loved and yet was cruelly abandoned.

From time to timey wounded past decends
upon me, no positive thinking, techniques
nor loving friend can fix that pain of the
innocent little boy still within me.

My mothers death is a complicated grief
and I wished to share this with you.

The most healing thing for me is when people
can listen to my pain and not offer me
'their way out' a persons fear of their
own sence of powerlessness generally
interfears with their ability to listen to
another's suffering.

Go gently with your grief.

My father, who has abused me in every way imaginable (incl. sexually) is still alive, in his 70's, and suffering form Parkinson's disease. Although i don't talk to him for approximately 30 years now, each time my sister tells me something about his decay, i'm deeply pleased.

I don't feel compassion. Parts of his brain don't work the way they should ... well, i can understand this.

However, i wouldn't beat him up for it. I wouldn't even stop to piss on him if he was on fire.

Given your situation, it seems normal.

i am sorry to hear about your mother. even if you are not sad, i hope it is ok if i feel some sadness for your situation at least. no child should have to suffer abuse, and it sounds like she had some very deep-seated issues.

my mother was also abusive and neglectful, though not exclusively; she was also caring and attentive at times but she struggled at knowing how to properly demonstrate her love as she was also abused as a child. after some of her suicide attempts i wished she had died, just so that her suffering would end (and ours too).

i don't think there is any "normal" reaction to be expected - we are all individuals and have different feelings about our experiences. you may have different feelings as you get older, or if you ever have kids of your own. or you might always feel the same way. i've found my own feelings have been rather unpredictable.

i think that nobody would fault you for being strong enough to be able to move on with your life in spite of your mother's abuse and suicide. i applaud your openness at posting your story.

my last step dad was abusive to me, mainly mentally and emotionally abusive and borderline physically abusive, for the better part of a decade while my mom just stood by and watched she finally left him a little over a year ago claiming to have never known he was an a**hole until the end of the relationship

his daughter would yell at him and scream in his face and he would just tell her to go away i would give him a look he didn't like and that would warrant getting beaten, im pretty sure the only reason he wasn't completely abusive to me is because of my Degenerative Eye Disease called Keritoconus, its a rare eye disease and its even rarer for it to progress to the point of surgery, in me it went from minor to severe within a year and i have had 2 eye surgeries and will need to keep getting Keritoplasties(cornea transplants) for the rest of my life, anyway if i suffer even minor head trauma i risk immediately going blind so Aaron never physically abused me that bad because it would be hard to explain to the cops why i suddenly went blind without getting himself caught so yeah

Thank you hyper, and yes she had some very deep seated issues. I am trying to move on, but memories I have tried to repress involving her pop in my head every now and again.

My we went through some similar issues in my family when my grandmother, who none of us was particularly fond of, finally passed away some years back. She was a profoundly unhappy person who actively spread the misery, with multiple "suicidal gestures" (her doctor's term) over the years when she didn't think she was being paid enough attention or affection. I know my mom in particular had some real guilt issues about not feeling sad that she was gone, though that's mostly passed at this point. My siblings and I all felt relief, not so much for our sake as for our mother's, as she was stuck taking care of our grandmother and the prolonged exposure to her personality was really taking a toll. My point here is that I think most people feel pretty conflicted when a less than loved relative passes away, and seemingly inappropriate emotions like relief or even happiness are not causes for guilt. Dying doesn't turn sinners into saints, and no one should have to pretend otherwise.