Sick of explaining how I'm different

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Hey there I was wondering if anyone else goes through this. Life for me was much worse before my DX when friends and family couldn't understand how I communicate or feel about the world. I know that legally I don't really have to disclose my diagnosis to anyone, but I've noticed that disclosing it has a far better outcome for me than if I don't. That kinda makes me sad. If I didn't disclose to my employer I'd have more unnecessary difficulties to deal with at work and probably a bad relationship with my boss. If I don't tell my friends than they think I'm not having fun when I'm with them because I don't express myself the same as them. Tonight I had to explain to some new people I met how I'm different and they excepted me, but took pity on the DX. I don't like that people take pity on it or that I have to tell people I'm not normal just so that they don't misunderstand me and not talk to me ever again because they often don't think I want to continue to hanging out with them. If body language wasn't important my life would be so much easier. I hate disclosing , but I noticed it's often for the better.

I haven't run into this problem only because I haven't told anyone. I don't know if it'd make things easier or worse for me. It'd probably be dependent on who I tell.

I for the most part have a huge fear of telling anyone because while they might not judge me on that forever.. I feel they'd judge me for a long time.

Then again, by not knowing.. instead they'd just judge me as some weird person instead of judging me as being on the autistic spectrum.

What makes it worse for me is not having the official diagnosis.. yet having a job that unfortunately requires heavy social interaction to thrive and having a thick skin. Faking it is a tough thing on a day to day basis and fairly draining. Its not even faking, its being myself (barely), hoping no one notices and then using preplanned dialogue when approaching customers.

I'm glad that you feel that its for the better, maybe if I were to get officially diagnosed I could have the option of disclosing.

I do know what you mean. I've entirely changed my mind about this issue as well. Now I am in a professional position (half-way through my PhD programme ) and I'll be going on in science/academics. I present as a shy person and that I am an Aspie would not be overtly noticable to another who would never know otherwise. They might just think I'm just quiet (true) and science-oriented geeky (true). The common grounds of research is what matters, not personal idiosyncracies.

Before, maybe a couple of years ago or so, I believed one should be really candid. After all, AS can have real advantages and no harm in telling your supervisor, colleagues, etc. Right? Well, in so far as my scenario, no! (Granted, it might work for another in other situations).

The fact of the matter (in my case anyhow) is that nobody would give a rat's arse that my mind might work differently or that I am analytical, etc. In fact, disclosure is an opening for misinterpretation which could then morph into discrimination, exclusion, or worse. Could even be used as arsenal against you. It just raises questions. So I tell nobody.

Further, the damage of gossip in a professional capacity is very real. I hate that we live in a world of gossip and rumours, but we do. Bigotry is very real. Like you two have already stated, it's a slippery slope. And I'll not take that gamble.

Now, my academic supervisor is aware - that's alright and he's professional/courteous. We've not discussed, nor will we ever, what AS is about and any implications, and we have no need to at all either. In actuality, in retrospect, I wouldn't even tell him since it's extranous personal information. Personally, I'd be mortified to tell anybody else. And I'll not. If I were a supervisory position, I am unsure what I'd do with somebody's private/personal trusted information, such as a medical disclosure, etc. In truth, I might not want to know. I think it's great when an Aspie can freely trust their colleagues with disclosure but I think it's more the exception than the rule.

I guess the exception: If, and only if, I've (1) known somebody a long time that has (2) demonstrated trust to me, and (3) is not in any position, or will be, to cause me harm or otherwise has influence. These conditions are not met in any professional capacity and therefore I might only tell somebody in a personal/private intimate relationship: e.g. a male-friend. From my experience on the Wrong Planet, I've read so many personal stories from Aspies whom I consider my best of friends.....heartbreaking to hear that one of us has been crushed by a boyfriend/girlfried that finds out and then proceeds to really hurt by being self-righteous, demeaning, and critical. Personally, I'd never trust somebody in a professional position with this information.

Well, Angel_ryan, you stated the case....it's hard to say, isn't it? Disclosure is hard too because once another knows you can never take it back. I know Aspies (including yours truly) can be so very trusting and as a result we are supremely vulnerable to getting hurt badly. I guess I've learned to not ever give somebody this opportunity and why I keep it secret. But I do respect another's decision, of course, and each situation differs. Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a world where bigotry was not an issue?

Do like me, just say 'je suis comme je suis', and stop explaining.

I'm going with the 'no disclosure' side of things, from personal experience and somewhat advancing years wisdom....

Honestly, people really don't want to understand each other, it's an illusion, some conformist bullcrap I suppose.... the more I used to tell people about myself the better they would feel but the worse I'd feel in the long run. (I figured if I could tell them/show them everything up front they could make the decision to like me or not right there so I didn't have to deal with the buildup then letdown)

I wish I knew what really worked because I've been to both sides of the coin so to speak.... (I've not disclosed and been considered weird-- a new friend once asked if I was "having fun" bc I didn't seem like I was to her; and I've disclosed and was treated like I had mental retardation.)

So, it's lonely to "be yourself" without allowing whatever it is you need to be yourself; get me? I speak in these messed up analogy riddle things that I can't help, so if I can explain further I will!


edit: to clarify, meet in the middle and use your best judgement for who to disclose to; schools expect it, employers are tricky, and friends can be the best support when they understand you.