An interest to trot my psyche back into the first grade.

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I wish my WP blog was working instead of saying "You cannot post clickable links until you have been a member for 5 days", or some lame nonsence like that. I guess I'll type it here, since I am after a form of therapy, where you mentaly travel to the past you and try weaving a new slate.

From the start of my attendance to public school, I have struggled with certain forms of memory and comprehension. It was worse during my childhood, so I didn’t learn a lot of things. I forged or cheated every science report with no help. Every science project I entered, I made the volcano. Yep. I had no creative ideas, because I learned early on that a lot of my thoughts and feelings meant little to nothing. I also expected a religious figure to save the day for everything. Naturally, he never did squat to help my family, because he was never there in the first place.

I did dream about demons early in childhood, and very shortly before I attended school. It was a (What’s that word where you dream something and it comes to pass?) kind of dream, only I saw my teenaged self in the same weight and cloths years from then. That’s another matter, or is it? ‘shrug’ I don’t know yet. Some things the brain does pick up without us knowing about it. Grammar was always an issue, because I just have trouble understanding the way the semicolons and such work. It’s hard for me to understand certain symbols there.

With reading, my difficulties with sound got right in the way of my attention, and certain comprehension skills I should have had were grounded down a bit because of it. As I get better at coping with the sounds interfering, it’s pretty obvious to me that my comprehension is improving to. I can read faster, but to really understand the text I have to slow down. It’s sort of like how your eyes scan the words, and you remember them, but you can’t form opinion about those words till you slow down and go over it more deeply. I’m very slow on that, for sure. I’m thinking about using one of my three dictionaries to practice my terrible pace.

It’s not that I can’t read the words and what each says either. I get the English words alone most of the time. If the author has written an idea or point for me to grasp, that’s where the real problem is, and the unexpected sounds have always caused trouble in that part of my mind.

Math is a sort of different. I find it easier to remember how I did math than how I did Reading and English. I have to go over math fewer times before remembering it in my long term. I know when it goes there to. If I have to read instead of practice, I have to go over it many, many times, so it turns into quite a chore, even at the age I am now. Typing and writing are practice, and I had quite a bit of that, but it’s still a lot slower than math practice. I don’t know why that is, but there we are.

I didn’t know how to communicate with my peers very well. I’m getting better at that to, but it’s still difficult sometimes, of course. It depends on the situation, and how familiar I am with the patterns. Then it depends on what we do. Yep. How fast I get the situation depends on what I take in or do.

Anyway, it’s time to type why this is being posted in the Haven, right? I was thinking about how I kept forgetting about what little education I learned, and I realized that stress and emotionally learning the wrong things was a huge chunk of why I struggled or got lazy about practice. Nothing I did seemed to have a purpose at all. I went to school, tried to block the bullies out of my mind, and accepted that I couldn’t play with anyone without them shunning and leaving me alone. I learned to be alone, and think inside a little day dream box. Most recesses I liked to think about gory death. (Not murder, but accidents and such.) Colorful objects like jump ropes, balls, bean bags, etc. were fun in physical education class more mentally than physically.

We all had our favorite colors, but I think they were more likely to be playing with the items than staring at it, taking in the texture of the rope’s colors, stripes, and defiantly how the beads sounded when hitting the floor in the midst of their vocal racket. This is the same reason I love marbles in a cardboard box slamming around, and the sounds of a high pitched baby rattle. A coworker at the garage I worked in brought a Hello Kitty rattle, and I kept shaking it next to my ears for hours. It gave me a tingle in the back of my neck and up into the back of my ears. Other sounds just did other things. I didn’t like being tired, so there were beads that the school counselor had that were large and had typical colors under the rainbow. The colors I liked were red and yellow. Orange was good to. Green didn’t get my attention very strongly. I saw shades of green almost all the time, because they were one of my Father’s two favorite colors. (Brown and green) I subconsciously ignored the blue and purple easily, because they did nothing for me emotionally.

The visual stuff was weird like that. That was also much more definite in my youth than now. It’s like some sensory exploring mechanisms are slow or something. You know how babies explore their sensory? Yeah. I got my speech about the right age, but I walked quite early. It just seems to me that the sensory explore thing went on longer. I guess I “connected the dots” and solved some things but not others. When I went into school some of the negative feelings got the better of me, and some solving skills were put to sleep for a while. I do want to get some of them going again. I don’t need to ‘emotionally survive’ like I used to, so certain parts of my brain need to be a little more exercised. I know that looks like a lot of work. It wouldn’t be an overnight attempt to help myself change that much, but there are some negative illnesses that I do need to be removed.

They are down in there quite a bit, so I thought about starting at a starting point, since I don’t understand all the little problem threads in my brain. I thought “well, if we forgot just about everything we learned. Start at the bottom of the latter like a person does for employers.” I looked at children’s materials and it was kind of nice. I had a tiny little connection with back then, but she was different. Now I thought “Ok, so what if we looked at some more children’s stuff and tried to connect with another child self. Make her life a little different and tell her different things about her worth, and so on.” So now I have these two books from the library that I grabbed out of the kid’s section, but the web site’s do a tiny bit better connecting my half role-play here. I’m left feeling a little dry and confused about where to educate mini-Lienda further.

Yes I have plenty of college books here. I have English, different math categories, Chemistry, biology, and even accounting books for adults. I'm going to try going through them again. I feel the desire to dig into childish things as an examination of my past feelings, and use that to do things with the current ones I have.