Depressed and have to fake being happy tomorrow (RANT)

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Well, today actually. Since it's 12:18. Ugh.
Not that anybody truly cares out there, but I feel like s***. Since I'm not actually suicidal or have the energy to self harm (there's so much planning if you want to hide it), nobody really cares. I just want to smash something or sleep through it all. And I'm not sure what's causing this. Well, I do. I just have nothing going for me, and everybody's dogging on me like they think that mocking me and putting me down is going to help. YES, I KNOW I F***ING HAVE NOTHING GOING ON FOR ME, AND IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE JUST BECAUSE YOU MAKE A PARTICULARLY GREAT JAB AT ME, YOU F***ING b***h! I'm still in high school, while all my friends are in their 2nd year of uni. I have one credit left, and I just can't make myself finish it. That would mean getting a job, making myself do things that are scary and make my stomach hurt, so I fake sick and procrastinate and it's all pointless anyway because it'll eventually come and I'll have to be an adult. But I'm not ready, I don't know if I will, and I'm scared.
F***, I have to go to my sister's tomorrow and act like I don't feel like I'm about to cry at the slightest thing. And of course, I'm going to be tossed aside again as my niece acts like a brat even though she isn't and hogs up all the attention. I love her, and she's so good with me and mom (her gramma), but she's a living freaking nightmare with my sister and sister-in-law (mom and mama), and it's just getting worse. And now she thinks it's alright for her to HIT ME when I'm over there, she wouldn't dare do it at our place. And I just don't have the f***ing coping skills to deal with this screaming brat that is so sweet but is getting away with so much and now is turning bratty But if I try to skip out, my sister's going to think I hate her and can't stand her child. I LOVE her, love my niece, but it's just so bad there now. I mean, I can't cope well with loud noises, at all, and usually I can tune her out a bit, but then my sister gets on me for not responding, but HOW THE F*** CAN I TELL SHE'S TALKING TO ME WHEN SHE'S SCREAMING LIKE A BLOODY BANSHEE AND NOBODY STOPS HER? Ugh, she knows better then this, she's a smart girl, and that's what frustrates me the most. SHE KNOWS SHE'S BEING A BRAT, BUT SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. And I feel so guilty for thinking these thoughts, since I LOVE her, but I can't deal with the screaming and the crying and the hitting. I just can't, especially right now. I love being her aunt, but another baby's coming, and I can't deal with two screamers, two of this. Why should I have to cope, even if it's just for a night. WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE A DAY VISIT, LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE? But NOOOOO, they want to "spend time" with me, which is maybe a half an hour of fun before they're too tired. Well, that's not worth all the screaming and crying that I'm going through there.
And now I'm crying. Great. I'm so tired of this, I hate that I feel like I'm made of lead, that I have no energy, it comes for like two seconds and everybody has hope for me, but I just can't keep it. I'm tired of being depressed, and lying about being depressed, and smushing those bad thoughts away because I can't put them through anymore pain, because I'm already f***ed their lives up enough. And therapy is pointless, because I can't trust any of them, they just abandon me. I don't know if I even believe half the stuff I'm writing here, I love my niece, I love my sister, I love my family. But I just can't take it, and I don't know why, and I should be better and I'm better, I want to be better, but I'm just so sad and angry and it hurts.

I'm sorry you are going through so much, Well being at a family gathering can be hard if your niece hogs all the attention. I don't get why she would hit you when your there but when your at home she doesn't? Maybe she has some issues she needs to have sorted out? If I were in your situation, I would not go and just fake an excuse or something, she will probably buy it. I guess she has alot of mood swings, she will be happy one moment and be a brat the next, seems very unpredictable.

Does it seem your family doesn't understand you for who you are? Some people may not understand ASD's as they should, when you get a good moment, you should tell your family how you feel, they can help you if they are willing to understand you. I'm not sure what else to add to my reply but I think it's good enough to start.

If you need a friend to talk to, i'm available via PM. Good luck to you!

She's young though, my niece. She's around 2 1/2, and while I would say temper tantrums are normal...not like this. It really hurt my feelings when she hit me, and there were no consequences for her doing that. It's just bad, and it's unbearable for me to listen with my auditory stuff. My sister gets Autism, but she doesn't really "get" it for me. Not anymore at least. She just doesn't seem to care. I used to spend the night there a lot, but she sent all my stuff back here and now it's so infrequent, and I sleep on a foam mattress on the basement floor. Which sucks, because I hear my niece scream and stomp and cry when I'm trying to sleep. I have such trouble falling asleep, I don't need to wake up any earlier. But she's little, so I get it, but it doesn't make me want to go over there. She thinks I just use it as an excuse to not come over or something, I dunno. I can't get out of it, I haven't seen them since Christmas (oh god, CHRISTMAS). And we're supposed to be close, and I want things back the way they were. You know, where I actually wanted to see my sister without feeling dread. And now I'm crying again. Great.

I don't know what made your sister think differently of you, i'm guessing you don't get along with her very well, you can have siblings who get along with you great or ones who don't. I have 2 siblings and I don't really get along with one of them so I just live my life and I let her live hers I guess.

I'm sorry your upset, I know you want things the way they once were. Take a deep breath. You should tell your sister how you feel and that you deserve respect, she should not treat you this way. You may not get along with her well but she needs to respect you as a person and a family member, it's a way to try and make amends with her. Could it change her ways? I don't know but telling her how you feel is what you need to do to get your point across.

@ebec11
I'm sorry but I don't have any advise about your sister and neice

With regards to the noise though. Have you considered hearing protection, like the foam ear plugs ot the head set type. I use some made by Peltor. they are the type used in industry, aviation, motorsports, and gun shooters

Guess who's lost their earplugs? I'm buying more, but I didn't have time before I went over.
Though I think if I put earplugs in while I'm awake at my sister's, she would be super offended.
I did have an alright time there, my niece was sick and so she was much quieter then normal. Still some crying fits, but no hitting, which is good, and I was able to avoid being in the same room (which helps) when she was crying. And I understand those ones were more that she's sick, though I still feel like they could have been handled better.
I think I was just frustrated and tired. I still think my niece is being a bit bratty right now, and my relationship with my sister and I is far from perfect, but my emotions were being rather melodramatic. I dunno, maybe sometimes you need to rant and cry about something to make it seem less dramatic then it is? I dunno.

Our relationship has been broken even before my niece was born, probably when the "demon dog" (as I used to call him, NOT in front of her) put a wedge between our relationship. It was probably breaking down before that though.
To be fair to my sister, she's also preggers with baby #2. I feel more hurt by the fact that I don't feel included at all anymore, I'm not allowed to leave stuff (why can't I leave a few PJs in a bag so I don't have to go on a mad hunt every time my sister suddenly wants to pick me up) there and it's just weird. Like I'm a houseguest there. Which is probably part of them growing their family and everything, but still, I feel rejected from their family or something. I feel like I shouldn't be there or something.

I'm sorry to hear things are rough now Ebec. But I also want to say I have not seen you post for a while and it's great to see you back.

Social and emotional issues are never easy for AS and feeling the way you do is normal. I can't really suggest anything for this particular issue but I can suggest that you could try and finish your high school and enter university as it could be a tremendous change in how you experience the world. Who knows, maybe university is where you find an environment you can enjoy being in. Its very different from home and school. Whether you believe you are ready or not, you are an adult now and that opens a lot of options on how you live your life.