I just keep feeling worse and worse and it's happening so quickly. I am getting towards the point of exhausting my personal coping mechanisms and I don't know how to help myself. I've been trying to distract myself until this passes but my distractions aren't able to compete with my emotions and thoughts. I've been watching silly stuff on tv, drawing, listening to upbeat music, I took a long bath, I've been drinking meal replacements so I can still get my nutrition since food is repulsing me, I spent awhile looking at projects on Instructables, watched some cat videos on Youtube and tried to take a nap. I don't seem to have the concentration to read or research, which is a bit frustrating. I even did a relaxation tape, although I had a hard time staying still through the whole thing. It seems like I don't ease into depression, but rather experience a "depression attack". I don't know if that makes sense. It's like I'm doing OK, not great but OK, and then suddenly I'm plagued by suicidal thoughts and violent images. These bouts don't always end as quickly as they begin, though, and tend to last weeks to months. I hope that is not the case this time. I haven't had a bout in a while, the last one lasted 7 months and ended last March. I did not deal with that one particularly well and spent a month in a psychiatric hospital after attempting suicide. My bouts don't always lead to me giving in to suicidal impulses, but because they have before it scares me. Last year was a very close call and I nearly died. I can't imagine what that would have done to my parents and fiance had I been successful. My suicide attempts have always been sudden and without any real planning, I'll have suicidal thoughts for a long time and not act on them but then suddenly I do without having an increase in the thoughts or any external event. I wish I could understand why I have done that, maybe then I would be less scared of it happening again. I see my case worker on Thursday, I called to see if I could see her sooner but she's away until then. I don't know what else to do, I don't know how to deal with these feelings. Every minute feels like an hour and I can't even sleep it away. I feel like I should be used to this by now, that I should know that this will eventually pass. It just feels like the end of the world, it feels like I can't cope with this and that it will somehow kill me. It feels more intolerable than terrible physical pain. It feels like I am going crazy. The images in my mind are awful and I wish they would stop. I wish I knew how to help myself. I wish I could feel my feelings before they get this bad and then maybe I could do something to stop them from getting worse. I wish my mind would just shut up.
