Can Self Hatred Ever be a Good Thing?

Post Reply New Topic

I have a lot of reasons to hate myself: I have no friends, I didn't do well in school, I have a questionable job, and so on and so forth. There are others in my situation who wish to blame everything bad on other people. I chose myself. I am not smart enough to know how other people could have made my life worse, so blaming myself for everything is just easier for me to wrap my head around (and prevents the guilt I feel every time I blame someone else).

I used to fight self-hatred because, when I expressed my feelings, most people I told said it was better if I liked myself. But I wonder if self-hatred can ever be productive. I mean, it makes me constantly insecure about myself, and leads me to innovate.

What do you guys think?

I think it's walking a fine line.

There are three basic views you might have about yourself: You might think you are great and generally don't need to change; you might think you are worthless and that it's hopeless to try to change; or you might see yourself in a realistic, middle-of-the-road manner, as a flawed person with the potential for improvement.

Only the third way allows you to make changes in yourself, and self-acceptance, including acceptance of one's flaws, is necessary to see yourself that way. You can't see yourself as hopeless and still try to change--you'll be too easily discouraged to get past the inevitable setbacks.

It's a mistake to equate self improvement with self hatred, IMO. If I tell myself, "I need to get in better shape," I can motivate myself by saying, "OK, the IPod's set on my favorite songs, I got my comfy shoes on, so let's get running!", or, "You damn slug! Get up off your butt and work off those pop-tarts you keep shoving in your mouth!" Personally, I respond MUCH better to the first type.

What you're really asking is if you can use self hatred as a motivation to become the type of person you don't hate. If you feel that hatred works for you as a impetus for change, then I won't tell you not to use it. But I'd never recommend it, as sustained hatred of anything or anyone will tear you apart inside before long. You don't HAVE to hate yourself to decide you need to be better.

moved from General Autism Discussion to The Haven

In my experience no, I still experience it quite often though.

It can light a fire under your arse to perform and get your goals to action but past that, especially when you start finding your own limits, its only as positive as you can turn it into self-improvement and upward mobility. Past that it just causes your mind to sort of cannibalize itself.

As some have already said...

A certain amount of self criticism can be a useful thing. Looking at yourself, judging your virtues and your flaws, and making a realistic assessment of who you are and where you can be improved can be an effective way to set goals and make plans to improve your skills or behavior.

But self hatred simply looks at oneself in a bad light without necessarily drawing any realistic conclusions. In fact it can be used as a crutch so you can excuse yourself for not accomplishing much. If you look at yourself and conclude that you are a perpetual failure, a loser in the game of life, not much good for anything, then you don't have to try. If you are such an awful person that no good can come of you, then why bother trying to succeed at anything?

When I have indulged in self hatred, and then analyzed my motivations for the self hatred, I realized that it allowed me to not do my best work. But when I have looked at myself critically, assessed my strengths and weaknesses, it has provided me with clues to how to become better at what I do. And because I had some idea of how I could improve, I knew I had no excuse to not make the effort to be better.

So my conclusion is that self hatred is always detrimental. Just like too much self esteem can lead you down the wrong path. But having a balanced view of oneself, if you are honest and you make good use of your conclusions, can be very helpful.

I only hate myself because I don't trust myself. I know I'm going to be odd to the next person I meet, and it just makes me angry that I know I do or sometimes say odd things but I still can't seem to do anything about it. I promise myself not to say these stupid things, but I still unintentionally go and say something stupid, then immediately afterwards I think, ''oh why did I go and say that for?!'' And then I start beating myself up inside about it.

And I don't go and blame other people either. If somebody laughs at me in a nasty way, I don't think, ''oh they're just being nasty, I'm a good person, it's them who aren't'', because I know it's me personally who they're laughing at, if they don't do it to anyone else. Or if somebody's aloof to me but chatting and laughing with everybody else (which is usually the case), I do start to wonder that they have a problem with me, even if I try to be nice to them (which I always am). But if somebody was aloof to everybody, then I would not take it personally, and I would just think it's just them being awkward and not me, since they are not speaking to anyone else either. In fact - when there is somebody else causing an atmosphere and upsetting everyone else and drawing negative attention to themselves, I actually feel quite proud in myself in a strange way, because I think ''oh thank god it isn't me this time who is making other people's day a misery!'' because it usually is me who is being the awkward one, and when it's not, I can feel better and possibly even act more NT too. (I might start a seperate thread on this).

I find it hard to ''hold my head up high''. It's something I've always struggled with. If people laugh at me or glare at me or tell me off, I get really upset, and dwell on it for days or weeks or possibly even months or years (depending on how badly I got upset). It's probably because I'm convinced that I'm supposed to give off weird vibes or be doing something odd because I'm an Aspie, and so that is why people are nasty and disrespectful to me. And it feels worse when you haven't got many friends. Usually people who are popular can find it easier to hold their head up high and not worry about what other people think. But I can't. I'm meek and quiet and sensitive, and all I deserve is a bit of respect.

Also, going back to not trusting myself, I may be an Aspie but I can read body language and other non-verbal cues quite well - but I am very slow to react verbally. So if somebody was being nasty to me, I immediately know that they're being nasty to me, but I don't know what to do, so (without thinking beforehand), I kind of let out a friendly laugh, which makes the nasty person think that I will put up with anything. Then about a minute or so later, I finally think of what I should of said to stand up for myself, but I can never think of what to say at the time.

But also, whenever I do stand up for myself, it always backfires anyway.

I'd think it unlikely that self-loathing can do any good, except maybe as venting. But I think there might be a danger of reinforcing low self-esteem, and it may even be a slippery slope to suicidal tendencies - it's said that suicide happens when aggression that cannot be directed at the soruce of the problem is redirected towards the self.

I guess if you find yourself feeling that way though, it migth help to vent the feelings, preferably to a friend who might be able to help talk you down by putting your criticisms in perspective and arguing rationally that you might not be such a badass as all that.

I think that if you hate yourself for hurting others, then it would be better to foster remorse and try to make amends. If you've only hurt yourself, then I guess much the same applies.

I think a lot of unhappiness stems from self-loathing and poor self-esteem I don't think such tendencies motivate us very wisely, because if we believe we're useless or evil, we will probably act useless or evil.

I think unacknowledged self-loathing is worse than acknowledged self-loathing. I think it needs rooting out and addressing, with a view to seeing it off. That might be through a robust effort to improve the things you don't like about yourself.

I think it's fine to be aware of your perceived shortcomings, as long as there's at least an equal awareness of your good points. Though maybe if you really can't see much good in yourself, you might have to start with a self-image as a beginner with a long road ahead. I think it's good to try to push the envelope in small ways, to keep checking the boundaries of what you can and can't achieve, to force your defeatism to reconsider.

It's interesting that you feel the need to blame either others or yourself. I think bad results are mostly nobody's particular fault. Anger and frustration would be very understandable, but I suspect it would be unwise to turn the anger in on yourself (or out against others). But I don't mean to underestimate the need to just let it rip occasionally....just that if you can stomach the idea of a relatively harmless outlet for the anger, you'll have less to mop up later.

It can motivate you to change.

I think I stay with this mindset because I have no real alternative to replace it with. I do like to talk out some of my problems, but my experience is that few people I know want to hear me. Take my mother, whom I tell everything. Mother cannot stand when I talk about myself this way because we think so differently. I tend to be cerebral, whereas she is not. She attributes my feelings to "overthinking", which it clearly is not. Few of my friends are interested in hearing about this, and my siblings have their own lives to lead. I've tried seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but both are just moneypits.

So that's why I'm lulled into thinking that the status quo is best.

Prior to causing self harm and during I temporarily think yes but afterwards I say no.

I don't think that self-hatred, or any hatred really, can ever be a good thing. You say that you have plenty of reasons to hate yourself, but I see none listed. What I do see are mistakes and perceived inadequacies, both of which all of us have experienced in varying degrees. The best way to combat these in my experience is to try to learn from your mistakes and make improvements. Additionally, changing your mindset is a tremendous help in my opinion. There was a time when I was had a much more "doom and gloom" outlook on some of the issues in my life. However, simply changing my way of thinking to a more positive one has made an absolutely huge impact not only on my personal satisfaction with life, but also in helping me to achieve my personal goals. Not an easy thing to do at times I know, but a helpful one!

Only if you learn from the mistakes you make after finishing your self hatred.

If you have no friends, either try to get into contact with your old ones or obtain new hobbies to make new ones!

I had a bad habit of putting myself down on Facebook, like posting nasty things about myself on my wall, for all to read. My uncle says that's not a good thing because it isn't giving a good impression of yourself to other people. It's nice to sometimes have a rant, but when you keep writing negative things about yourself nearly every day on Facebook, people will start getting fed up with you, and if you show that you hate yourself, it draws other people to stop wanting to be your friend because in the end they just think you're trying to get sympathy or attention, and so writing bad things about yourself is not the right way to go about it. So I've stopped doing it, even if I feel in a bad mood, I have still tried stopping myself from writing awful things about myself.

I think the reason why I put myself down is because each time I come up with something good, people doubt me on it. Like when i say, ''I often get men smiling at me and I got asked out by 2 different men last week'', people always say, ''no, that might be because you look vulnerable'', so in other words, they are trying to say, ''you are not attractive, they just ask you out because they want to use you''. Then, when I put myself down and say, ''oh I don't think I'm very attractive, no-one likes me'', people say, ''I thought you said you got asked out by a man last week?'' So I can't win either way. And it's not just NTs who say that - it's other Aspies too. Why can't somebody just agree with me for once when I say something positive?! !! !