Lost my temper just now..my self hatred knows no depths

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I ran a lousy road race today. I tried to wear a smile, and be social and talk with other running acquaintances. But all the while I was hurting, seeing all these beautiful women in couples and knowing they are not for me, that I have no chance at love.

I got home to fix a late breakfast, and I dropped an egg. I flew off. I threw a bowl that had other eggs in it, and got egg all over dishes I'd just cleaned. I got even angrier and I smashed a plate. I instantly regretted it. That plate was part of a set I had since college. Now the set is uneven, so I had to put away one small plate, bowl and mug so everything would be even.

But worse still I felt like i betrayed the plate now, because it served its purpose well and I smashed it. How f****d up is that that I'm so socially isolated that I feel loyalty to a f*****g plate?

Or is it I empathize with it. After all isn't that what I am? An object, a tool? Something only useful to other people when they need me, then put away and forgotten about until another need? I feel more in common with plates and bugs and little things, and with people my own age. I feel in a way like i committed a murder.

I just have so much hate toward myself. I feel useless to everyone, a hindrance. If i were to die right now, what would the impact be? Oh sure some people might be briefly sad, but they'd move on, and that'd be it. My life and death would be utterly meaningless.

The only thing that keeps me from ending it all is I know there is nothing after this life, and I'm terrified of death. So I'm effectively trapped with nowhere to go to alleviate the pain.

Hey, you were just having a bad day, that's all.
Everyone's allowed to feel angry at themselves or others once in a while otherwise we wouldn't be human.

It must be pretty tough seeing "happy couples" but sometimes you just got to look at the positives to stop you from dragging yourself down. Relationships hardly work these days and I know from experience it's better to be friends than in a relationship with someone. I wish I knew this couple of years ago.

As for your plate, It's not outrageously abnormal to feel loyalty to an object. Everyone's different and we all have our different values.

You know you're not useless. I know it's a bit cheesy but I actually believe everyone is special in their own way. Today's just a day. You will have better days/weeks/months to come.

Don't be so hard on yourself about the plate. There is a zen koan about teacups in which it is said that a favorite, beautiful, teacup "is already broken", so you might as well enjoy it and use it for your tea, because if you just keep it in a safe place so it never gets broken, it never gets used and appreciated either, which is worse than using it and eventually losing it. Something like that.

It sounds super cheesy, but my therapist loves to say "You can get happy in the same pants you got mad in", which I think just means that feelings are temporary, even terrible ones, and maybe you will feel better in a short amount of time than you imagine.

Hope you feel better soon.

You sound like your average NT. Get angry and smash something. Though it's usually a release and things look a bit rosier after. You seem to have that bit of it to get right. Still, could be worse. The plate could have dropped you. Nothing worse than a miserable plate.

Everyone has bad days. We all voted, and today was your turn. I sometimes apologize to inanimate objects, like if I bump into them,--out of habit. I don't get bent out of shape over, I have a private chuckle out of it. As for loyalty to an object, I too appreciate things that have served me well. There is nothing wrong or really weird about that. I have a few items of clothing that I have had for decades. They are very worn, and too snug for me to really wear anywhere, but I can wear them around the house if I want, and I appreciate that they have lasted this long.

You need to do stuff to keep occupied and distracted.

- Exercise, it will release endorphins that will boost your mood.
- Listen to and/or play music.
- Read funny stories. Laughter also releases endorphins.
- Take up a hobby.
- Take courses, either in person, or online.
- Join a club dealing with one or more of your interests.
- Volunteer with charities. There are people out there that are worse off than we are.
- Surf the I-net.
- Play computer games.
- Watch funny shows on TV/DVDs.

Now, go do something!

Yes I can relate to this kind of feeling. If you didn't dispose of your garbage yet, I suggest you get the broken plate out and keep it at some place. Even though you will not be able to eat out of it, obviously, at least you are not ''betraying'' it further by throwing it away. On the contrary you will show loyalty to your plate by sticking by its side at its worst time, when it is broken.

You made the plate feel like a loss because that's how you felt - like you'd been thrown away. Or maybe not, I'm just speculating. But chalk it up to a bad day. I feel like this a lot at work - like everybody is part of something that I'm aware of but can't penetrate. It's a horrible, isolating feeling; but it does pass.