Anxious, afraid, worthless, and empty

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I'm beginning to hate myself...again. I think I've always hated myself. This might just be stress from coming exams and the workload I'm getting towards the end of the semester, but I'm not really seeing the point to life right now.

I don't remember the last time I was comfortable in a social situation, and I always seem to go out of my way to avoid contact with others when I can. I've always thought of myself as just seeming shy to others, but I think I generally come off as arrogant and stand-off-ish. I'm only ever really concerned with my own problems and only care about other people's issues if their problems effect me in some way. I seem very good at taking advantage of others, and am probably not as good at it as I think I am. I think I'm just afraid of people because I'm afraid they might think lowly of me, but I don't even really interact with them for long most of the time. I've also recently lost a lot of weight and find myself "admiring" myself in the mirror rather often now.

I feel like a worthless bum as well. I go to a community college and am taking 13 credits this semester. I took 12 my previous 3 semesters. The only job I've had was one a few years ago at a daycare which my mother basically got for me. I'm doing well grade wise, but I always feel a terrible low feeling whenever I don't do as well as I wish. For example I just got an 84 on an exam which I thought I had gotten at least an 88 on. This made me feel like garbage and I think is what set off a lot of my built up stress. Also, with my light course load each semester I feel like my grades make me seem much smarter than I really am.

Overall, at school I feel totally worthless and...kind of unworthy. Almost everybody else there seems has a job and is taking more credits than I am, living on their own or at least pays for a lot of their own stuff. The people majoring in engineering (my intended major) especially seem to have a great idea of what they're doing with their lives. They seem to have a great confidence about them and seem so bright, and none of them seem to have the kinds of insecure baggage I have. It seems like with engineers you absolutely have to be perfect or you just aren't good enough. Even now as I write this I probably should be studying.

So here I am, just taking classes and not really knowing what the hell I'm doing with my life, living with my parents, selling stuff on ebay to make a little money, no friends, and feeling completely overwhelmed by the world. I feel like a 10 year old in a 20 year old's body. I feel devoid of meaning, like I'm just a shell existing. Both my parents seem preoccupied with their own problems and stuck having pity parties of their own, and I feel like I need some kind of support or encouragement or something, anything. I've just felt defective for so long now, I feel like I need some kind of validation.

Even if I do manage to transfer to a real university and get a degree in engineering, I don't know what I'd do. I feel too broken to maintain a job. I feel overwhelmed just by taking 13 freaking credits. It all just seems pointless. I almost feel like just getting up and leaving my home, not even knowing where I would be going. I would just keep going, and see what happened from there.

Hang in there!

In way of a suggestion, have you ever considered doing volunteer service or something like that? It might be a good way to practice thinking about other people's needs, as you mentioned that your have trouble with in your post. It is also quite validating and it could help build job skills, too.

I am pretty much going through exactly what you are with these feelings of worthlessness in regard to who I am and what I am going to do. I am enrolled in community college going fulltime, no job, no social life, relationship problems and so on. You're not alone in this battle. I too beat myself up over not doing "well" enough. I have to have all A's, otherwise I feel like I accomplished nothing.

Community College is to transfer; you're not pointlessly taking it. You'll be transferring to a university and be halfway done with your Bachelors. Be happy for that. You won't owe as much now.

I know that just knowing there are others who are dealing with the same stuff I am helped me tremendously. Tons of us are facing these same problems, and you need to remember you're not alone and your life will not always be like it is. Be happy with what you have right now. Appreciate it all. Take a deep breath and let yourself relax. Everything will be okay. This is only temporary and you have to remember that.

I hope I can help to comfort you a little.

I have definitely considered volunteer work, and if I can convince myself to, I'm going to try and volunteer at an animal shelter this summer. I have to admit though, the thought of walking into the place and asking "Can I be a volunteer here?" is terrifying, and probably what has kept me from doing so in the past.
Knowing that there are other people like me does help, but I have yet to get to know anybody who I know feels the same things. I know that my situation is temporary, but that is part of what terrifies me. From what I have seen of the way the "real world" works, it makes me wonder why anybody would bother wanting to live in it.

I appreciate the responses, but I can't help but feel so...alone. The more I think about it, the more I find I have been a generally bad person to be around, and I don't really know how else to be. I can see the kind of person I am becoming and I hate it. I crave some kind of guidance, as I would probably never admit it in person, but I have the emotional maturity of a little kid and no real self confidence, just baseless arrogance. I also hate to admit, but the thought of "growing up" and facing the world just plain scares the **** out of me, to the point where I almost would prefer to just crawl under a rock and die.

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do, and I can relate to pretty much everything you've said. I feel hopeless, lost, without anyone to talk to... That kinda stuff. I feel the same way a lot of the time- the real world and all its WONDERFUL events that I don't understand. That's what suicide is made of, sadly. I'm glad I'm not gone, though, because my family would be unhappy, and I wouldn't want that.

I feel alone, too. And I feel exceptionally alone today. I have been for months now. And now someone close to me has walked away and broken my heart on his way out. A part of myself was ripped and thrown away. I can relate, like I said. It's almost like there isn't anyone to talk to about these things, but here we are, talking on this forum full of fantastic people who've lived these same things for a lot longer than either of us. That's how it is sometimes. Keep your inner child, and don't let all of life get you down. You're growing up and doing fine. You're not being rushed, and you won't die if you don't do it RIGHT away. It's a slow process; you'll keep the childish innocence and have the maturity of an adult eventually. This isn't going to last forever, and you will be happy once you look back at all that you've accomplished.