horrific day

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Ugh this day has just clawed its way under my skin and into my veins and is crawling through my body gnawing on me. None of the people in my life, who are all "normal," will understand and feeling so completely alone and like such a freak is compounding how awful I already feel.

I had to attend two classes today and for some reason during the second one I started having complete sensory misery. I don't even know what happened; it's a long class and usually bores me to death but today I just felt like I was going to catch on fire. All I kept thinking was how much I wanted to be home where I would be safe, quiet and alone and could control what was happening to me. I felt like breaking down and crying in front of everyone but I kept it together.

Then I caught the bus thinking "lucky me, I will be home soon" and sat my bag next to me to block someone from sitting there, like I always do, but that would have been too easy, it seems. An older man with an oxygen tank walked up and said "Can I sit next to you?" I don't know why; there were plenty of empty seats on the bus but he wanted to sit next to me. I panicked and didn't know how to respond and so I gave in, like I tend to do in such situations. I just moved my bag and let him sit there, even though I felt like I was going to die.

When he sat down I realized that he reeked of tobacco and marijuana. What someone on oxygen is doing smoking anything I'm not sure, but regardless, I can't stand those smells and I started to feel very sick. Also, he didn't just sit in the seat next to me, he basically sat in my seat as well, spreading his legs out so much that I had to plaster myself to the wall and his leg was still touching mine, which was disgusting and painful. I absolutely can not bear to be touched unless I am wanting and expecting it, and I am also claustrophobic and have had panic attacks when I feel I am trapped. However, I could not see how to get away. Worst of all he immediately started talking to me and even insisted on shaking my hand and introducing himself: more revulsion and pain for me. Once he started talking he did not shut up; he was asking me personal questions that I didn't want to answer, about my finances and my family and university, and telling me about his personal life, and I had no idea what to say so I just kept on looking straight ahead and vaguely nodding and silently praying for either him or me to drop dead. Finally he rang the bell to get off the bus, but when he got up, he dropped a bottle of vodka out of his pocket and it spilled on the floor, the seat, my bag, and me. I literally retched at that point; because of past experiences I cannot be around alcohol and vodka in particular.

Well, I'm not sure how, but obviously I finally made it off the bus and got home, because here I am. I feel completely violated, disgusted, confused and in pain. I am terrified of getting back on the bus tomorrow because I might encounter that man again or someone else might try to interact with me. It is four miles to my university but I am planning to start walking rather than ride the bus anymore, even though I have an expensive bus pass. I am also scared that my mother is going to contact me and want to talk to me or see me today. She is not understanding in the slightest about my sensory and interpersonal difficulties and is always cruel to me if I repulse her social advances and unwanted physical affection. I do not know how I can handle dealing with another person for a long time, let alone an intrusive and disrespectful one. I need to study for my final exams but I have just been sitting here moaning and covering my face and I don't know what I will be able to do now.

Why do there have to be so many inconsiderate, aggressive people in the world? I feel so violated and overstimulated that my skin is still crawling as if someone is touching me, and I can still smell vodka, tobacco and marijuana. I feel like I need to vomit and scrub myself raw to get rid of the sensation and the odors. Why can people not just leave me alone? I don't ask for that much, honestly. I just so often wish that I had an Elven cloak and could avoid the attention of the world as much as I liked. I think I might move to Antarctica.

Ugh I hate buses. I went on a 45 minute bus ride into downtown (city name) the other day, and this really large man in very dirty formerly white sweatpants and an rust colored sweatshirt (I HATE that color) sat half on top of me and smelled like death and rotting everything and I almost threw up right there Which has never happened to me on the bus. I was fighting nausea the entire ride and he smelled SO bad and he was watching me.
Then an older gentlewoman got on and I leapt to my feet and gallantly offered her my place.
Her: "Thank you, young lady."
Woman, you have no idea how much of a moral gray area this is.
Me: "You're welcome "
In short, public transit is horrifying and I feel your pain and I hope your day got better.