Why cant i find a Method.

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I promised, PROMISED myself i'd be dead by the end of April, and its the last day, and i still cant find an effective method to kill myself.

I've spent these past three weeks searching the internet for every kind of method available and all of them usually cost something, are too painful, or just won't work.
I've tried over 50 times to make a noose, and still cant get it right. I've used belts (which snap when i put pressure on them), String, torn bedsheets, electric cords (which aren't flexible enough to make a ligature).
I dont want to suffer any pain, but all the painless methods usually cost something, or are out of my range.
I would love to use a gun, but i live in the UK. And im 17 so i can't get prescribed sleeping pills/benzos etc. The only Pills i have are my Sertraline/Zoloft Medication which i have not been taking, but have still been prescribed. I only have about 30 Pills and it is not a high dose/large quantity enough to cause anything more than vomiting.
I have no money to spend on stuff like helium tanks (exit bag), nor do i have money to travel, which i intended to do as i live in a small town with no high buildings etc. And the only tall place in the town where i live is a railway bridge, but its only about 2 storeys tall and would most likely just break my legs or put me in a wheelchair.

It seems like i just can't find any f*****g painless or economic way out.

i dont even know why im asking you guys, as your not likely to give me any methods which is what i want.

i'd love someone to PM me info on how i can commit suicide painlessly etc, but im worried the mods might ban me or something.

If only i lived in the US where id have access to guns.

You must have a good reason for it. You should trust your instincts. If you want to talk to us, we're willing to listen.

Maybe you should try to describe your situation. Write a post which summarises everything that is wrong with your life. That way, we can try to figure out whether it can be fixed.

Don't be self-conscious about it. Don't be embarrassed if your problems seem silly. We all have problems which might seem silly to other people, but which are very real problems for us.

Here's an idea: how about everyone who finds this thread goes to:

http://us7.chatzy.com/83247089856419
PASSWORD: dozenredroses

And we can chat about it.

It's a private chat room just for HammorHorror and for people who want to listen to his story.

Come on, HammorHorror, at least say something! Don't you even want to have a chat before you die? We all want to hear your story.

No decent human being is going to tell a 17 year old how to commit suicide. But there are people here who would like to try and help you, like Declension has offered. Actively thinking about ways to take your life is very serious and I am very concerned for you. In the long term I think you should discuss things with your GP. You say you have medication but haven't been taking it, did you stop suddenly? Sometimes that can make you feel even worse than before you started to take it. In the short term, I urge you either to speak to us and let us help you or call the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90.

Okay, I'm leaving the chat room now; HammorHorror's internet connection is bad and it's cutting in and out, so this thread might be a better idea.

Since your internet connection is dodgy, you should use another method to talk to somebody. I agree with the lemur: call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

Even if you're feeling better at the moment, it is still a very good idea to call the Samaritans. They might be able to help prevent this from happening again.

I'm sorry i ever even posted this. Its just made things worse.
It makes me seem like an attention whore, which is the complete opposite of my personality.

I stopped my medication because i felt like this whilst being on it, contradicting the purpose of it. I've been on it since Nov 10, and at first it really was a miracle cure, but i think its become ineffective to my body. maybe its because the dose was too low (50mg). I have asked my doctor to increase it to 200mg many times, but she refuses. I have been storing it up, but i heard an overdose on Sertraline/Zoloft is rarely fatal. Apparently you get Serotonin Syndrome, which i am not sure is fatal or not. I think an overdose on the particular drug would not be quick or painless.

being 17 sucks, as i have no money nor am i of legal age to get prescribed sleeping pills/benzos.

i should never have posted anything. im sorry.

I'm sure you're not an 'attention whore' and that isn't what I thought when I read your post. I just thought 'Here is a person who is very unhappy and asking for help'.

Your doctor won't jump from 50mg of something to 200mg. But it might be worth discussing your feelings as perhaps there is something different that could be tried. No anti-depressant is a miracle drug. They can help you keep your head above water (so to speak) but they can't do anything to fix any underlying problems. I think you should be honest with your doctor. Print off what you've written here and give her it to read. She needs to know that you feel suicidal and that you are storing up your meds. Then she can think of a solution, change medications or find you the help you need.

I understand the urge to end your life, I have been there and at the time I was completely convinced that I was making the correct decision. But now, years later, I am very thankful that I failed. I would have missed out on so many good things, things that I would never have imagined could happen to me. You are right, being 17 does suck. Life can suck at any age, but the pain at 17 is acute. Try and realise that you won't always feel like this, that things will get better (you are at rock bottom, they can only get better from here). If you would like to talk about what is making you depressed then you can do that here and people will listen and try to help. I've seen lots of good advice given on WP - there are a lot of kind and good people here.

I think posting here was very brave (you are a lot braver than I was when I felt as you do) and you have nothing to feel sorry for.

Like you I have also put pressure on myself to be dead / commit suicide during a particular time period, and towards the end of that period I get frantic because I haven't found a way. I don't tend to blurt it out here but there are people who have received emails just like the one you wrote at the start of the thread, and like you it always makes me feel worse and I end up apologising profusely. Fortunately for me the people I send this stuff to always advise to go to my GP right away - they have even taken me there - I struggle with the phone so I just show up at the medical practice and tell them I need help (with a note because I can't speak when I'm like this).

My GP & psychiatrist have told me the reason I can't find the way when I am this point and want to so badly is because there's a tiny part of me stopping myself from doing it. I think they are right (because logically, I know how to kill myself and could do it easily & quickly - not painlessly) but as I have told them on numerous occasions, that tiny part annoys the hell out of me ...

I understand you stopping the SSRIs as I never felt better on them either. It may be that you haven't found the right one, that you need a different dose or that you need a different type of medication. You really should speak to your doctor. When I have been where you are now my doctors decided I needed respite from these thoughts so prescribed me a short course of diazepam. It worked well to break the cycle. I now take amisulpride when I'm feeling as you do now, and that also helps - again, it breaks the cycle. These are not a long term fix, but they can help you get through a crisis period. You are young and they will be cautious with the medication - because it can make things worse - but they will want to help you.

If you can't talk to your GP, write it down. Or print off the first post in this thread. If you are able to talk when you feel like this - unlike me - then the suggestion to call the Samaritans or similar is a very very good one.

Hang in there.
YB.

I still can't find a way out. I shouldn't be here, I should have been dead 2 weeks ago.
The only thing I have to hang myself with is a belt, as i am incompetent at making a noose/slip knot. I wish there were no gun laws in this country, F**k the UK. My biggest worry is that i'll f**k my hanging up and end up a being a brain dead zombie. If i only owned a gun, i could kill myself quickly and painlessly.

Please consider speaking to someone about how you are feeling - it can be your doctor, or a helpline, or someone you trust who will help you find a way through this. It may just help to break the cycle of wishing you were dead or wondering how to kill yourself.

It sounds to me like you need to get on the right antidepressant - it's important that you tell your doctor that you've stopped the tablets and why you've stopped them. Some antidepressants are known to cause suicidal thoughts in teenagers, but there are other ones that don't provoke that reaction. Your body/mind is telling you that it needs help so listen to its plea and try some other medication - you don't have to carry on feeling the way you do right now.

No matter how dreadful things are at the moment, there is always the prospect of change and improvement. It may take a while and involve lots of small steps, and it will probably mean trusting someone else to help you along the way. But surely anything has to be better than that awful desire to end your life.

By the way, a word about drug overdoses. I've discussed this with my doctor before (I kept having suicidal thoughts and wanting to overdose). He explained that overdosing would be unlikely to actually kill me - more likely it would cause serious liver damage, possible brain damage etc.

I have kids your age and I know it would kill me if something happened to them like that. Can you talk to your parents at all about this? Before you do anything that can't be changed, would you consider a short stay in the hospital to try some meds and see if you can find one that makes you feel better?

I've been suicidal before and actually attempted it once, and looking back I can see that if I had a choice between feeling better and dying I would have chosen feeling better, I just didn't think it was possible. If there are no meds that can make you feel better then the worst that can happen is that you have lost a few weeks trying them and you can always commit suicide at some point in the future.

Can you give it a little time and try some different meds? Talk to a doctor about it and see, sometimes there are meds that can help and you don't lose anything by trying. If you really want to kill yourself, it doesn't have to be today does it? I know that I would want to exhaust all possibilities of getting better before I threw in the towel like that. See whats out there that might work for you to feel better before you give up. That option will always be there, and you have all the time in the world for it, there's no rush. If it's truly hopeless then trying to get better can't hurt anything, and if nothing else, you will know that you did everything you could first.

Talk to your parents or your doctor or someone face to face about this please. Don't do it without trying everything you can to get better.

I agree that the jump from 50mg to 200mg is too drastic, your doctor would probably want to go to 75mg and see how that works first. I know this is not a fast process and it's so hard when you're in pain to wait. It's a horrible feeling. I really think you should talk to your doctor and tell him/her what's going on with your feelings.

Did you stop taking your medication all of a sudden? This can have a bad effect on your judgement. Try to put the energy you are using to figure out how to die into trying to find help.

I really feel for you, depression is a horrible. But you can make your way out of it.

I don't think you're an attention whore.

IMO, people consider suicide when they are in so much emotional pain that they cannot cope. They want to find a way to end the pain--which makes sense and is only natural.

However, there are so many other ways to end your pain. Since you're only 17 you haven't had that much experience in this world. It's so full of possibility.

It's hard to see those possibilities sometimes, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. An analogy is that sometimes depression (or suicidal desires) is like a dark room. In that room, you can't see any doors (because it's all dark), yet that doesn't mean there aren't any. And I don't mean that suicide is one of the doors, btw.

I attempted suicide too when I was a teenager. It was kind of a rash thing--but I'm glad it didn't work because as I grew older I began to see that there were so many other possibilities out there, and that I'd been better off maxing out a credit card on a vacation to some island than committing suicide. Not that I'm going to max out a credit card...or that I'm saying you should. Just consider that there are other options...and SO many possibilities in life that you just can't see when you're young and when you're depressed.

Oh, also. I remember life was HORRIBLE in high school.

The thing is, it gets better.

College is way better than high school--in fact, almost everything is way better than high school. I would rather be stung by an entire hive of bees, rolled in honey, and put in front of a honey badger than re-do high school. I would rather have leeches cover my entire body, and be dumped in a vampire-bat cave with a TV running re-runs of "Days of our Lives", than have to go back to high school.

But life gets so much better as you get older. And don't think that if you do poorly in high school that you can't go to college. I dropped out of high school and then went back to college to get a BA.

So, it's just one of those things I wish I could tell myself back when I was a teenager. Life gets better.

You do know that some of those meds, particularly the ones like Zoloft etc, can cause suicidal feelings in teenagers don't you? When it's a med that isn't working right or that causes you to feel suicidal it feels very, very real. I was once forced by a new dr into trying a med that wasn't my usual antidepressant and it' made me very suicidal. In fact I was ready to do it when I realized that it must be the med and called my doctor and stopped the med right then. After a few days I felt better, but because you were on it so long it could take longer for you to feel better.

I'm sure you can see what a tragedy it would be to actually kill yourself when it was a side effect of the medicine that caused you to feel that way. Seriously, you should talk to a dr about this ASAP. If it's from the meds, it's going to feel very, very real, but it's actually a false feeling induced by the medicine. They can also give you something now to stop that feeling I believe. Please see the dr about it now. Going to the emergency room would even be an appropriate thing to do, as they could start treating this right away.