I hate internalizing things.

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So over the past few days, things happened and now I feel even more down on myself....my mom got me shoes which I was in need of and we sceduled a physical appointment and she was getting more info for psychological help from someone calling back or whatever. So I guess some things have been accomplished or whatever.

But now for why this is in this forum, I went over to my moms for her birthday and my grandparents and other people where there, anyways the topic of what I've been up to lately came up with my grandma. I am sick of always trying to play it off like everythings going good so I said I was actually in the process of trying to get some psychological issues adressed and was not sure what I was going to do about getting a job or anything like that. So the PTSD came up and lucky for me just like so many others she basically implied I was choosing to dwell on it and focus on the negatives just like my mom has been trying to imply over the past two days we even got into an argument over that and me having a headache and wanting my brother to turn down his keyboard piano thing.

I guess my mom is trying to be helpful I mean she did help with some stuff today, but I just don't feel like her or anyone else understand or even want to understand. Not that i want them to understand either I mean I am glad they have all found ways to find happiness at least some of the time I don't want them to know what its like not to have that ability. I mean I just keep feeling more and more like I should leave them to their lives...if only they would just let go of me, they don't even know who I am anymore they only know who I was before.....I don't even know so how would they?


Oh and I hung out with this dude who I thought was really intrested in me as a person, I guess he was more intrested in my body....I mean to me its a turn off when I am trying to talk about rather serious things snd the guy I'm talking to is so focused on flirting they don't hear a word I am actually saying and try and reassure me I'm fine without understanding I am trying to explain I do have some serious mental issues like PTSD that will interfere with any friendship and/or intimate relationship and they need to take it seriously. I guess he found out the results of that. I didn't answer his last call or listen to the vioicemail he probably left I mean the dude clearly does not need someone to bring him down which is all I would end up being....not to mention I just wasn't very intrested in a relationship in general.

So yeah I cannot seem to let go of the frusteration of most people I talk to seeming to misunderstand completely.

I internalize lots of issues, too, sweetleaf. It sucks. I feel like people are telling me I am able to stop thinking things I worry about by thinking positive thoughts. Well, sometimes I do think positiev thoughts, but the worry is still behind in the back of my mind.

Exactly I mean I am postive about some things but if I express that I am feeling bad everyone wants to jump on you're always negative, never try and uhh I'm choosing to dwell on it. I just get fed up with it even if these things are indicated with the best of intentions.

Sweet Pea hugs