Is it too late?

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This is going to be a long post, but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

Firstly I need to talk about how lucky I am. I have great parents. After being expelled from my first school I was fortunate to land in a different school that, while not being great from an education standpoint, had a good history of dealing with problem children. While I was terrible in social situations, I was good at sports and good at music and between my basketball team and the band I joined, I had a lot of people who were willing to back me up because I was "their" weirdo. I got through University and because I was bright I had no issue finding friends. Well, people who wanted to be in my group for the various projects and for revision. I also spent a lot of time in a local rock club where I was accepted as a musician and because pretty much everyone there was socially inept or otherwise considered too strange for the real world.

As soon as I left school, I lost touch with all my "friends"...same thing when I left University. I didn't call/text/email them and they didn't call/text/email me.

I got a job straight out of University (in IT...feel the typecasting) and I was pretty good at it. I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone and had no way of making friends. I worked a few jobs, surviving by making myself invaluable, working long hours and generally being useful. I played in a couple of reasonably successful (ie we got paid) local bands and had a string of dysfunctional relationships with whatever self-hating women I could convince to date me at the time.

I got diagnosed with Aspergers at 30 (it should have been obvious) after a lifetime of various diagnoses of depression, manic depression, cyclothamia and being "an angsty, whining teen" from various mental health professionals. Armed with this and a large number of books and white papers on social interaction, body language and the like and a plethora of self-help books, I set about trying to improve my lot.

I'm currently 33. I'm in a stable relationship with a very nice young lady. I've just been promoted to Director of IT at a multinational IT security company. I have a nice flat (rented for now) and I'm still playing guitar (just for fun). I have a car, I have my books, I have my computer games and so on. I think on many levels I'm a poster child for how Aspergers doesn't have to ruin your life.

And yet...

Aspergers has totally ruined my life. I'm miserable. I hate my job but I'm stuck there because I've got into massive unsecured personal debt through impulse purchases and terrible financial discipline. I've constructed a sham life for myself with a flat, a girlfriend, some hobbies. I play football because I think I should. I have a girlfriend because that's what a guy my age should be doing. I rent a flat because it seems more "right" for a young, unmarried guy than a house. I hate myself because I can't bring myself to believe I'm good at anything. I play guitar because I feel like it makes me more "interesting" and because I feel I should have hobbies. Every time I touch it I cringe at how terrible I am and have to resist the urge to smash it to pieces. I hate playing football, but I feel like I should have a social outlet, so I do.

I live in constant fear I'll be found out in my job and fired, even though all the evidence points to the fact that I'm generally excellent at it. I hate myself for being so useless and I can't give myself the slightest sense of achievement, despite knowing on a rational level that I've achieved a great deal given the problems I face.

I'm with my girlfriend not because I love her, but because she puts up with me and because she's understanding enough (or has low enough self-esteem) that she makes no demands on me, understands when I don't want to talk to her for days at a time (we live in the same flat...talk about awkward) or that I have zero sex drive. We have nothing in common, nothing to talk about, no shared interests (except football, sort of) and if I'm honest she's not on my level intellectually and she's not well-read so even finding anything we can discuss where I don't feel like I'm bullying her (religion, politics, books, current events, films) is nigh-on impossible.

So on one hand, I have more than I could ever have expected to get in my life; a career with real prospects and good income, a steady relationship, hobbies and interests, my own place. On the other hand, I have trapped myself in my twisted vision of what my life should be like and I can't see any way out. I'm in city where after 10 years I still have no friends and no social life outside of playing football once a week. I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope and one mis-step will see my life crash down around me and, if I'm honest, I'm not even sure I care. Even if I could find a way to make friends and improve my social life, could I really cope with it?

Basically I guess the question is this; am I lucky to have what I do and should I be thankful that I've managed to salvage a comfortable existence from what could have been a horrible life? Or should I be striving to find things that can make me *happy*? I have everything I think I should want and I can honestly say I've never been happy.

I thought i'd post an opinion.. my opinion anyway.

I think.. everything we do and how we take things is our perception. I personally could've been beyond happy to have graduated from college and got a promotion at what sounds like a big company. But I mean as good as your job is--you're at no means ever limited to strive higher.

A basic, stereotypical, cliche rule of dating is that you must "LOVE" your boyfriend or girlfriend. This isn't true, love is wonderful and great and some people have it but people date casually as well. It just seems like you're being a heck of a lot more stabilized in your casual relationship.

If you're unhappy with the relationship tho, you shouldn't be in it. I wasn't sure if thats what you were getting at in your post. She seems to give you a lot of leeway, which is rare.. relationships are sometimes demanding. Any relationship will come with flaws--if you hook up with someone who is more on your level intellectually or shares your interests, that same person might also expect conversation, be awfully touchy feely and love sex. There will always be a trade off, the thing it comes down to is which flaws are you okay with dealing with. I'll say this much.. you might be wrong on the perspective of your relationship (people sometimes are) but if you're being realistic in how you feel about it, settling for less than you want will always make you miserable.

On the job security thing--I understand, I feel as if i'll be fired like once a week but I never am. (I am apparently good at my job too)

You're very lucky (in my opinion) but even if you feel what you have isn't enough--this is nowhere near the end of your potential. Not as far as a friendships or relationships go or even as far as your career. You can be happy.

You sound like I did when I hit 50. I think you are too young to be having a midlife crisis, but it certainly sounds like one.

These are really heavy issues and I don't think you should deal with them on your own. My advice is to talk to a counselor. Shop for one, interview them, find someone you feel you can talk to and dig in. You seem to really not like yourself, and when something good does happen to you, you feel unentitled to it.

You can't be as awful as you think you are. Someone who would ask these tough questions of himself must be very insightful and intelligent. I also think you are ready to do something about your pain.

Good luck.

P.S. You are lucky. There are opportunities for a better life for you, and you can afford to pursue them.

Sweet Pea hugs

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I think something I hear in your post that is true for me is that a lot of us can fake it enough that people don't even realize. I heard a quote once that basically says that success is how we as individuals define it and if the world says we are a success but we aren't in our eyes, it isn't real.

I think you need to figure out what would make you happy. Even if no one else gets it. I think it is one of the scariest things to walk away from a sure thing (whether that be a job, a relationship, whatever) for an uncertain future.