I can't do this.

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I can't deal with all that is happening. Depression came back last November. It got to the point where I asked for medicine. The anti-depressant made me much worse and started me in an addiction for self-injury. I'm sick of the temptations. I'm sick of fighting them. I'm sick of giving in and self-injureing. I tired Lithium and it just made things worse.

Besides AS, I have epilepsy (controlled), learning disabiltiy-NOS, Schizoid Personality Disorder, and bipolar type two. I have also been diagnosed as dysthemia. So I have moods of mild depression that swtich with severe depression. Occasionally there will be a normal good mood thrown in but rarely.

I take Lamictal for seizures, the highest dose I can, Ativan as needed, and tylenol three (prescription) as needed.

And I got a letter yesterday afternoon (too late to call) which said they are closing my PCN. PCN is a state Medicaid. I have no idea why and it didn't say and it's a weekend so there is nothing I can do but wonder.

I have very low income in the summer and in the school year I teach a few hours a day so don't have much of an income then either.

I'm sick of life.

Wow, with a capital wow.

Don't kill yourself. I don't have any non-stoopid reasons though.

An old guy once said to me (before I knew I had PTSD) that I never quite followed through w/suicide (even though I couldn't think of any reason why not to) because I somehow knew that I'd have NO other options after that.

Kind of a 'duh' statement but it really hit home.

I was touch-n-go for years on that subject, but not for about the last 10 years.
huh, about the time I started seriously standing up for myself, now that I think about it.
When I stopped letting others convince me they were automatically and unquestionably right and correct;
that I was automatically and questionably wrong;
that I started submitting their 'logic' to the same testing I submitted mine to;
and when I finally admitted they were actually morons and not really possessors of some secret smirking truth.

When I put my foot down and said, 'I am NOT wrong. Do not say that I am.' (repeat as necessary)
funny thing is: they did shut-up, they did cave, they didn't really know/believe what they said. They simply got confidence from me truly paying attn and considering. They took it as validation and then they knew their guessing must be correct.

Be strong Uhura, you are provably durable just to have made it this far.

but I have no platitudes that wouldn't make you wanna hunt me down and stick a spear through my head...

Exercise or get your hands on a funny movie. They say that helps.

Excercise does nothing to help. I do it anyway for my body but depression isn't changed.

Movies are ok as a distraction. I am a Star Trek fan. So those movies and books as well as a few other books/authors helps but only burries things in my mind.

I agree with the statement that there would be no other options if I did. I don't plan on doing it but struggle with the temptation. I did just talk to someone and can go to my therapist on Tuesday.
At least I can see her but it is the church that pays them so it will be a limited amount of sessions I am allowed to have.

There are some things besides exercise that you can do, although that is a help for some people.

- Eat healthy, and enough of it. A healthier diet will boost your immune system and is also good for your mind. Skimping on amount of food leads to depression, crankiness, and being more prone to get sick.

- Get enough rest. Being tired leads to depression, crankiness, and being more prone to get sick, too.

- Listen to and/or play music. This is mood boosting.

- Take courses, either in person, or online. Some of the online ones are free. The in person ones are a good way to meet people.

- Volunteer. There are people worse off than we are, who would really appreciate the help. It's also a good way to meet people, and boost your self image and mood.

- Take up a hobby or join a club. These are good ways to meet people who share your interests.

- Get involved in community activities. Attend town meetings, events at local libraries and other local organizations. Attend local sporting events, fairs, and art shows. Attend and/or participate in local theater groups. These are all great ways to meet people and boost your self image and mood.

- Employment/or self employment. Great way to meet people, boost self image, put money in your wallet, gain experience. Since you have been having trouble finding work as an employee, perhaps you should consider self employment. There are many types to choose from.

Hope this helps, and hope you get your medical coverage situation straightened out soon.

Sweet Pea hugs