Merciless depression

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I have to say I am so very frustrated with my depression... it feels relentless, and when I clear things and get some motivation back, I feel like I have to be constantly mindful to stop depression happening again... without specialist effort, I get depressed... without some kind of mental effort, or Spiritual lifestyle, wisdom, resting a lot during the day, depression just inevitably happens, and drains me of my will to do anything... not to mention I get tortured in my mind.
It feels terrible that in order for me to have fulfilment in life I actually HAVE TO apply some clever strategies... why can't I simply just go through a few days without having to do something that keeps it away? Why the constant need for strategy? It feels like depression is just always somewhere, probing for cracks in the wall, and that every day I have to apply maintenance to the damage done... if depression enters the fortress, for a few days I am totally without progress, unless I make an effort to apply strategies, again, but it would be even harder to do so when actually depressed and not just fending off depression.
It's just that... I know strategies, I know tactics, I know good ways to stop the stuff but I seem to ALWAYS have to use them... that is difficult.

Right now I am depressed... I have been depressed and non progressive for close to a week now and my goodness it is so difficult when it lasts a while.

Hey. I gotcha. I'm going through the same thing.

The constant vigilance can be almost as depressing as the depression.
But, you just have to cling to the hope that you will improve. You seem to be in a good place where you KNOW the strategies to use and have specialist help, I assume?

I'm still waiting to get help, and it's torture. I don't know of any strategies, and cliché advice rolls like water off my emotional back.

Hi EstherJ.

Well I don't have help yet, but I am going to try some CBT soon.

*Hugs kindly* I do hope you are well today, EstherJ. I hope you get the help you want soon.

I guess I depend heavily on my Risperdal and my writing to keep my depression from dragging me into the abyss. I hate it, I really do. I want to be out there with the happy people enjoying life. Oy! I just don't know how long this is gonna last. At least we have each other on WP to lend some support.

I kind of know what you mean...I kind of feel my depression is lurking around as well just waiting for a chance to bother me. As a result I have been trying to keep myself busy as I had a short period of feeling better long enough to get more busy with things but now I kind of feel the depression coming back. Anyways I am trying to just figure out my life anyways and just deal with it but at the same time I am worried I'm probably straining myself too much mentally. Even so I want to try and find part time work or something, maybe participate in clinical research studies if I qualify for any just really trying to figure out ways to make money so I can save up some or whatever and move out and possibly get closer to whatever it is I am supposed to get out of life.

I really know what you mean feels like you fighting just to have the energy to fight the fight. I'm not the most eloquent at the key board but you are definitely in good company here!

I definitely have been where you are now. However, my depression has gotten so bad that I don't even feel it anymore. I just have the lack of desire to do anything and am just going through the motions of working, sleeping and eating. I'm almost afraid to try medication because I can see it making me worse before it gets better as I think I would have to progress back through the heavy depression before I saw any improvement.