I overdosed today

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This morning my anxieties and frustrations got the better and I took an overdose - finishing off all my prescribed meds. I had an Occupational Health appointment this morning and the doctor guessed what I had done because I couldn't walk straight, my hands were shaking a lot and I had to hang on to her desk to stop me falling off the chair...plus she knew about my regular suicidal thoughts. She took me down to A&E where I ended up having 3 ECGs which showed my heart rate significantly raised and my heart having a slight arrythmia. There were several doctors and nurses coming in checking on me and running various tests, and the duty psychiatrist was called to evaluate me. They decided I was safe and wouldn't be tempted to take another overdose anytime soon because having taken all my pills I had no more to take so they didn't admit me to psych ward. I fell asleep and was completely out of it for 4 hours. Then they let me go when my heart rate was normal and the arrythmia had settled. I was home before my husband came home, and zi had requested that the A&E staff did not call him so he is still unaware.

At home this evening I have been so tired that I've slept through most if it. What happened today seems very surreal very much like it was a dream because I don't really remember the sequence of the events or who I told what. It's a very odd feeling. The only clue I know it was real is by the marks on my hand where I had a drip attached.

I was supposed to have an appointment with my GP this afternoon but I understand that the OH doc called him to explain what had happened and rescheduled it for Tuesday morning. I also have a follow up with the OH doc in two weeks.

The OH doc emailed me the report she sent to my workplace stating that I was unfit for work which I guess means two weeks off until I see her again. I hate the fact that I've been signed off again because it will reinforce that I am liability who can't cope with the demands of her job. I hate that because I do an exemplary job, which is more than I can say for some of my colleagues. And I don't believe this event had anything to do with my job. So this makes it even more frustrating.

I feel quite pathetic that I let things get this far without any awareness of how I was.

Well first of all the most important good thing is that you're still alive. Secondly, you said that you're a good worker so while it may be a bit embarrassing for you I highly doubt you'll get fired. The most important thing right now is self healing. Work will come later. Do you have a support system? You should maybe think about telling your husband what happened unless he's part of the reason you did what you did. You need family and friends to support you in a time like this.

I'm very sorry that you felt the need to do what you did. I've been suicidal and engaged in self-harming behaviors before, so I understand how you feel. I'm glad that you're still alive. Just remember that things will get better. If they're already bad, then they can't get any worse. (hugs you) I agree with lostgirl1986's recommendation that you get a good support system. That's one of the most important things that a person can have when they're struggling inside.

Sweet Pea hugs

Oh crap. Just wrote a huge reply and then lost it.

Lets's see if I can remember the gist..

I'm remembering that my ability to speak coherently was messed up by the overdose so I am suprised that I managed to get across that I did not want the hospital to call my husband. I find it very difficult to speak to my husband when I am struggling because he gets upset (sad, not angry) and I hate being the cause of that.

My support system is fairly non existent. I don't speak to my family much, and the few people I count as my friends all live very far away (different continents) so are not much help in a crisis. I have one line of support locally who is a very senior colleague of mine at work ... but every time I go to her I feel bad because in her senior position she has so much to do work wise that she should not have to deal with me too. She says it's OK, but I don't feel that way.

I hope you are right that my job is not in jeopardy. I had four months off sick at the end of last year, and have had a couple of weeks off sick since then - all due to stress - and now I am off again. Before I went off sick last year I had never taken any sick days in the 7 years I have worked this job. If my job is not at risk, the way people view me at work certainly is and I hate the thought of being seen as unreliable... especially when we are heading towards our busiest time of year.

Oh and CockneyRebel ... Those peas of yours always make me smile when I see them on other threads, so they are especially appreciated here.

You should really talk to your husband and your friend from work. I think they'd be more hurt if you didn't tell them. That's part of what being friends and family are, a support system. If your husband was in this situation, would you want to know? How would you feel if he didn't tell you? Same with your friend.

If my husband was in this situation I would probably want to know. If he didn't tell me, I wouldn't know about it. But if I found out later I would totally understand why he found it so difficult to tell me. I mean, it's not like you can say to husband "Hi sweetie, dinner's ready and by the way I tried to kill myself today..."

I have emailed my colleague though. She knows more about what I've been dealing with than anybody as she was the one who called my GP, paid for a taxi and came into the doctors with me when I had my major shutdown at work last September. She also believes I should be telling my husband more but she also realises how important for me it is to have a sense of "normalcy" in my home life wother everything else feels like it is out of control.

No, I don't go to counselling.

We have a free service in our workplace, which I tried at the start of this year but really didn't find helpful at all so I stopped going.

I've been on the NHS waiting list for psychotherapy since the end of April (wait time ~6 months, so I still have at least two months to wait).

Last time I saw the psychiatrist, mid June, she felt I was doing well and said that she did not need to see me any more especially as the autism specialist I had met in May had recommended that I have weekly support sessions with an experienced member of staff from the local autistic society which she felt would be more valuable to me than more sessions with her. Unfortunately funding for these support sessions was turned down and we cannot afford to pay for them privately.

My GP has been really good and I see him about once a week - which I actually feel quite bad about because it's pretty hard to get an appointment to see a GP within the NHS ... typically you phone up and ask for an appointment and there is nothing for 3 weeks, and here is my GP always finding time for me.

I was supposed to see him on Friday afternoon, but obviously was in the hospital so could not go. When I left the hospital one of the nurses handed me a note with a new appointment time for my GP written on it (on Tuesday morning) ... I had apparently told the OH doctor that I was supposed to see my GP that afternoon so she called him, explained what had happened and made a new appointment for me.