Oxygen thief and a bullet.

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I feel like I'm only breathing to see how long I can hold out. The dice laid cruelly in my favor too many times.

I have one friend I can connect with on only a small level. I never actually talk to anyone, I go weeks only saying single words when necessary. My already bad conversation ability has atrophied into uselessness. I can make money but I want nothing it can give me. I've seen it all, just like the bjork song. The one friend I should have kept moved away and died, the friend I did keep ended up with my girlfriend of 6 years. Anyone new that I could possibly meet in person, and who would talk to me, is not someone I would want anything to do with. I don't have a public identity or affiliation with any kind of niche, I'm just universally outside of everything.

The internet opened the floodgates. It's no longer an escape, it's just as bad as the real world. Some days I can distract myself with pointless ventures, planning for things that may make me a little happier. The payoff is short lived.

It's hard to keep breathing when I see clearly that things are solidly downhill and much that I enjoyed is gone and never returning.

This is just as pointless as anything else. Suffering anonymously public to people who also just want to be heard and compare their pain and struggles. No good can come out of any of this.

I could've written the post above, except the bit about Bjork because I'm not a fan. Still, I know what painful loneliness is. It's me. It's what I am. I can't stand it. Weeks and weeks of talking to no one except on the internet. Some days my voice is hoarse, like cobwebs stretched across my pharynx. Yeah. I drink too much. I probably write too much. My depression comes and goes, and no, I don't have a clue what is to come. I'm lost. That is the definition of me right now.