Backstabbed

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Ever been totally backstabbed by somebody you thought was your friend? I have been "friends" with somebody, lets call him "G", for about 12 years. I live with my mum at the moment after a bad patch a few years ago meant I had to move back here. I was recently looking for a shared house to rent with G and a couple of other "friends". I get terrible anxiety and on the day we were going to look at the first house (two Saturdays ago) I had the worst anxiety attack. I let them know and apologised. They organised another viewing on Tuesday without getting in touch with me and I wasn't able to make it. The people didn't show up to that viewing so we organised *another* one for Friday. I went on Friday and the landlord didn't show up again. So my "friend" spoke to them on the following Saturday and arranged another viewing for that day. I wasn't informed of this until about 2 hours before by which point my mother had gone out in my car and I didn't have any money. The house is about 20 miles away from me so without a car or money to take the train it was impossible to get there. I told this to my "friend" who's immediate response was to tell me that I was "whingeing" and that I wasn't making enough of an effort and that I couldn't be arsed. I called him out on this, pointing out that the reason for my non-attendance at the first appointment was an anxiety attack (a problem which he knew about before and *claimed* to be understanding about) and pointing out that, as his supposed "friend", I didn't appreciate being spoken to in the way he was speaking to me. I was totally polite but at this stage he hung up the phone on me. I sent him a text telling him he needs to show me some respect - he had basically been speaking to me like a total piece of s**t, he was really out of order. This precipitated several texts from him in which he properly insulted me and mocked me for the anxiety whilst also implying that I was using it as an excuse because I couldn't be bothered.

For me, that is the worst possible betrayal somebody could have made. I have spent my entire life desperately fighting against anxiety and desperately trying to live some kind of a normal life. He is fully aware of that and yet, when it came down to it, rather than choosing to show a little understanding about the problem he chose to use the privileged information which I shared with him in confidence to attack me. I can't explain just how betrayed and angry this makes me feel... even two weeks later I am crying my eyes out typing this out. The others have sided with him (probably because he has been telling them some poisonous BS while I have been too upset to speak to anybody or just because of my low social status). These people were the last people I spoke to as friends - over the past several years it became clear that those people I had called friends in the past were anything but. So now that is it. I, literally do not speak to anybody else apart from these people. Since this all happened I have spent the entire week in the house on my own and I am going increasingly crazier. I was so miserable about how much time I used to spend alone but now, literally, I have to spend all of my time alone. I'm so f*****g pissed off and miserable right now and I have no idea how to fix it. If I have to spend my entire life alone I really don't see the point.

Turncoats and fair-weather friends are a staple of the experience of my life as a social pariah. That along with bullying, parental abuse and abject misery. Regretfully this situation is not going to be helpful for your anxiety attacks. The best advice I can give is to move on, cut-off your "friend" and the people who are helping him harass you and try to get on with your life.

You know what's kind of sad is that I've been through what you're going through at least a dozen times, if not more. Sadly, I really haven't found any way to deal with it properly. I certainly hope your able to get past it though, I mean, just because I can't doesn't mean you won't be able.

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time - I think it is harder for people with anxiety because you struggle to make friends.
The first thing I'd like to say, however, is for you to take a step back and look at the situation. Maybe these aren't the right people for you to be moving in with - aren't you glad you found out now and not when you were already living together? Secondly, your friend is clearly also dealing with some frustration and issues - I don't think it was right for him to take them out on you, but you should also try to be understanding if you expect understanding in return - it's harder than it sounds, right?! Maybe this isn't about you, but it probably was a hassle to keep arranging new meetings - and there were probably other issues involved in that which you weren't aware of.
I have to move back home (at least not back into the house, I'll be staying in a flat outside the house!) and I think it will be a challenge as well - so perhaps I will see things differently in a few months time, but for the time being, maybe you should take it easy and try to find a new place to live. You don't have to spend the rest of your life alone - that's not the only option - but maybe you do need to find friends who can understand your situation better, preferably people who have had experience with anxiety themselves. You never know, it might help? Good luck though - I hope everything works out in the end.

Yes, I know the feeling. I have never had a great relationship with my older brother, but we were at least tolerating one another while living together for a while. I was out of work, but looking, while also dealing with some health issues. Because of these and my Asperger's I'd always had a spotty work history, and I have only low end types of work on my resume. I had also gone through a long period of unemployment due to the early 2000s job slump, and then had stayed out of work to take care of my mother until she died. Finding a job proved to be impossible after that, but I kept trying. Unfortunately, my brother's then fiancee started bad mouthing me to him behind my back, while being very nice to me in person. I finally figured out what was going on after he called me several times during visits to her house and started ranting at me over the phone. Once I figured out what was going on, I wasn't able to do anything because I was living with him and couldn't afford to move, so I was trying not to rock the boat. In the end playing stupid and being nice didn't help. He kicked me out and I was homeless for several months because of her.

I'm in a better situation now. However, my brother is in a worse situation--he married her. It has not turned out well for him. Turns out she has mental issues (not kidding--for real). They have had one or two break ups, and several near breaks, and he regrets marrying her. However, his religion discourages divorce. I too, don't advocate divorce at the drop of a hat, however, there are times when two people should not have to stay together. I believe their case qualifies for such an exception, but my brother doesn't see it that way. Well, if he wants to suffer, that's his choice.

In your case, yes, your friend was out of line, however you need to remember that most people don't have the patience to deal with the chronic problems of other people. Your friend is probably fed up with dealing with your anxiety issues. We here at WP know that this is a real problem for you, but NTs don't understand that, because they usually don't suffer from such problems to the extent that we do. They understand things like broken bones, and failed kidneys, and other "solid" health issues, but you can't see the neurological problems caused by Autism spectrum disorders, only their effects. These problems are very real, as they are caused by a very real disorder in the brain, but NTs have trouble taking seriously something that they can't see.

I don't have any solutions to offer you regarding your friend, as it looks like the friendship is over, but there are alternatives out there. Give these a try:

Take courses, either in person, or online. Some of the online ones are free. The in person ones are a good way to meet people.

- Volunteer. There are people worse off than we are, who would really appreciate the help. It's also a good way to meet people, and boost your self image and mood.

- Take up a hobby or join a club. These are good ways to meet people who share your interests.

- Get involved in community activities. Attend town meetings, events at local libraries and other local organizations. Attend local sporting events, fairs, and art shows. Attend and/or participate in local theater groups. Attend events held at local houses of worship. These are all great ways to meet people and boost your self image and mood.

- If you are out of work try employment/or self employment. Great way to meet people, boost self image, put money in your wallet, gain experience. Perhaps you should consider self employment. There are many types to choose from.

>> Lawn mowing/yard work/gardening.
>> House cleaning.
>> Errand/shopping service.
>> Wait for service people, so the home owner/renter doesn't have to take time off from work.
>> House/pet sitting.
>> House chores for the elderly/disabled.
>> Handyman.
>> Tutor.
>> Computer maintenance/repair.
>> Website design.
>> Other website based businesses.
>> Paint houses indoor/outdoor.

There are many other self employment opportunities. Your local libraries will have books with lists and descriptions of them, so look into it.

In the mean time there are some things you can do to improve your mood:

- Exercise. It generates mood boosting endorphins.

- Read funny stories and watch funny shows. Humor also generates endorphins.

- Eat healthy, and enough of it. A healthier diet will boost your immune system and is also good for your mind. Skimping on amount of food leads to depression, crankiness, and being more prone to get sick.

- Get enough rest. Being tired leads to depression, crankiness, and being more prone to get sick, too.

- Listen to and/or play music. This is mood boosting.

Hope this all helps!

Thanks for the replies people. I think I probably just needed to rant last night. As somebody else said, most people are able to very easily to dismiss a health problem which they can't see. I can't imagine he would have said the same things if the reason I couldn't come was because I was a wheelchair user and needed help to get in the car or something (not that that actually makes me forgive him - he is dead as far as I am concerned - spent a year dealing with this s**t from my ex-girlfriend and I'm NOT gonna deal with it from anyone else, EVER!). What I didn't say in the post was that G (G stands for "gobsh**e" by the way, lol) recently suffered some anxiety and depression himself which I made a really special effort to be around for him during. So I suppose I feel particularly betrayed because of that. Yea it is good that this happened now as opposed to after (oh and hi Saraip!). I still wanna stomp his ugly face though :p (not actually gonna do that but I'm allowed to dream, right?).

Howdy Glad to hear you're seeing things in a "clearer" light - and good that you came here to vent as well...
I personally made an effort to get rid of all the friends who weren't good for me this year and to my surprise, when I made that committment, it excluded most people from my life! I don't necessarily think you should be as strict or abrupt as I have been, but it helps to know that you don't have to take crap from other people. What makes it even worse is when you gave freely of your time to help others out and when you ask for the same understanding in return, they can't give it. I know I must have made poor friend choices at various points during my life, but I'm happy to know that I won't be doing that from now on - and I think you have reached that same point as well - you seem to have reached the point where you're OK saying "You know what? I don't need this!" and that's a really great thing!

I've been in similar situations a lot. I knew this one girl that I was friends with for a year. I used to do a lot of things for her like give her rides, be a sholder to cry on, help her out when she didn't have money, give her back messages, and was there for her when she was stressed out and had drama in her life. But as time when on, it was clear that she wasn't treating me the same and when I got stressesd out she would get upset that I got stressed and scolded me not to act that way and it really offended me. I got even more upset when she wouldn't do things like I did to her back and the fact that she went out of her way to help others but not me really multiplied my outraged feelings i had towards her until one day I blew up and tried to break her and her new boyfriend up in retaliation of built up anger of her treating me wrong and suddenly coming to the conclusion that she was a narcissist. When she found out I did that we weren't friends anymore and I was glad to not see her ever again.