Outsider

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I work in a cafe. There is a festival in town, and business is quite heavy. I had to work late into the night today, and I just got home.

In order to cope with the constant stream of people ordering things, I take on a persona. I think this is a part of the job to begin with - the service industry is essentially an acting job. There are all the lines you can use - "so what can I get for you today?" and the like - you can talk about the weather - whenever someone says some weird colloquialism, I just smile at them meekly, and that usually works. Anyway, I come off as a very capable waitress/bartender because I am a damn good actor.

I left and wandered around the busy streets. I started to feel a familiar screaming emptiness as I looked around and realized that no one else was walking alone. There was me in my impenetrable bubble, just like so many other times. So many people I wish I could talk to.

I went to bike home, and I saw 3 teenage boys biking down the path with a flashlight. I thought how fun that would be, and how I wanted to be their friend. I wanted to approach them and talk to them. I didn't, because I realized it would be strange and inappropriate for me to try and make friends with 3 random boys 10 years my junior on a darkened path at night. I just wanted them to include me. Any time I see a group of people having fun, I desperately want to be included. In the past, I've changed my mask so many times, and completely hidden/ignored my true self, just so that I could be included.

Inclusion never seemed so important when I was a kid. I was happy playing alone. I don't know what changed.

I JUST WANT TO BE A MEMBER OF A COMMUNITY. This f***ing kills. I am so tired of being an outsider. I have so many things I want to share, and no one to share them with. I love myself now more than I ever have. After lots of hard work and years of self-loathing, I think I can finally say that I love myself... I just want others to love me too, for my best qualities... for my real substance... who I actually am... not for the mask I put on. I want to have a place and that is all. I am tired of being an impartial observer.

There is an empty place inside of me. I am so lonely.

i like music, too most kinds except rap, hard jazz, discordant modern classical, and twangy country. favorites are easy listening, folk rock, and classical. what do you like?

I'm like you In many ways. I need space but also to communicate and have more fiends.